Self Exposed to Self

New Chapter

2010-09-05T11:26:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since I have written. This is largely because some folks were reading my blog that I really didn’t want to have a view into my world. It was also because I felt like I was finishing that chapter of my life.

Since then, I have completed my Master of Arts degree in Counseling, have been accepted to a doctorate program in Seattle (slated to begin in January), and I have moved to Seattle. Just as I was when I last wrote, I am looking for a job in a really slow economy. Yikes.

I am not sure what has possessed me to write again, but I felt the urge. I am not sure I have anything to say. It feels good to be in a city where I have never been associated with AA. It feels good to be away from a small town where I ran into people who knew me from AA and were always asking me, “How are you?” and never believing the answer that I was doing well.

Time will tell if the resurrection of this blog will last. It’s a new chapter, and I am delighted to be here.

Too Much Time on My Hands

2009-06-19T07:49:00.000-07:00

It has been really strange for me, not working. It is also interesting to see that I am getting about as much done as I did when I was working. It makes you start to realize that you value the same things when you are not busy that you did when you were busy. There are so many household things that I always said I wish I had time to do that I am not doing now that I do have time to do them. I find that somewhat fascinating.

It is a little after 7:00 a.m. on Friday and I have not yet heard about the job I interviewed for last Thursday. The woman who interviewed me said that they planned to hire for all 3 positions this week, but several people who work at the agency have told me that this does not necessarily mean they will. I sent a thank you note on Monday and then called and had to leave a message yesterday morning. No return call yet.

I have been observing myself as I wait to hear about this job. It is interesting to see the changes that my self-esteem goes through as I wait. The range goes from being the best employee they would ever have to being the biggest pile of crap that they would never want. I am happy to report that I do not stay in either extreme for very long. I must admit, however, that I wish I did not have so much time on my hands to think about this job opportunity. I am also sick of fantasizing about what will happen if I do not get this job.

Celebrating my sobriety anniversary and my birthday both last week has also caused me to contemplate where I am in my life. I hate that I am unemployed and that I am looking at the very real possibility of having to move out of my apartment. Yet, at the same time, I am pretty charmed by the adventure of life with all the lessons in humility that being a returning student brings. There is simply no drama left in it. It is what it is, and I am where I am. No matter what happens I am going to be okay. I am grateful for the knowledge of this.

When Being Nice is Self-Destructive

2009-06-14T12:44:00.000-07:00

I had a wonderful therapist in California who gave me a fateful warning. She said, “If you spend your time with crazy people, you are going to feel crazy.” This was after I had been telling her about my friendships in Alcoholics Anonymous. She went on to tell me how crucial it was for counselors to have equal peers. Those who have been reading my blog have read previous posts that mention this.

In the past week two of my dearest friends have expressed feelings of guilt for not being more compassionate with people who seem (to me) to be addicted to drama. One friend had someone close to him abandon him and then the abandoner continued to contact him trying to create drama and keep him engaged. My other friend has a friend who is in an emotionally abusive relationship. This woman calls my friend for support when her boyfriend is abusive. My friend is tired of riding the merry-go-round with this woman. This is, in part, because my friend escaped an abusive relationship years ago and does not particularly want to relive the drama. Who could blame her?

Both of my friends expressed disapproval of their own anger. I think I am coming to embrace anger. I think it serves a purpose and that purpose is to wake us up. I also believe that anger is a part of grief. When I left AA, there was definitely a lot of grief. I was leaving many (not just one) long-term relationships. I was losing most of the intimacy I had. When you are building new relationships the level of intimacy is not very deep. I was lonely, very lonely; and desperate to connect with like-minded others.

I want to get back to the wake-up call that anger is trying to give us. I disagree with the AA theory that when we are angry that something is wrong with us. I believe that anger is trying to tell us that we are not taking care of ourselves. I have to preface this with the fact that I am assuming the people I am addressing have enough insight to see when they are being completely selfish or immature. For example, if I am angry because the waiter got my order wrong, I might need to take a look at myself.

My friend who left the abusive relationship has worked long and hard on herself to eliminate the manufactured drama in her life. She is aware that it was her work to do and that she had people around to support her. However, she still did the work. No one did it for her. I whole-heartedly disagree with the concept that we have to continually be there for others who are living the same hell we once lived. Holy good god, that means that we would never, ever truly leave that hell. Even if we are not the person actually living the hell, it continues to permeate our lives. The work I was doing with the last few sponsees I had put me right back in the madness I was living before I got sober. It stopped being rewarding; and I simply did not want alcoholism to be ever-present in my life anymore. In addition, I do not believe that we should feel guilty about wanting to surround ourselves with people who are on the same page as we are.

If spending time with crazy people is making us crazy, do we not have the right to eliminate those people from our lives and set about creating a more emotionally balanced circle of friends? If we have successfully overcome predicaments, does that automatically sentence us to a life of ensuring that others overcome it as well—even when they seem to have no inclination to do so? This seems self-defeating to me. Why would we want to continue to live with a problem once we have effectively solved it for ourselves? It becomes a road block to a better life, a life without the compulsion to repeat the past.

I read this amazing post on the blog 8 hours & a Lunch entitled, Crazymakers Make You Crazy. In this post, the author refers to these drama-queens or kings as “energy vampires”. Poignant and valid, I think. I wish to be clear that if anyone is ready to solve their dilemma, I am willing to be supportive. However, I am not willing to enable someone to stay in the problem. I do not believe that is supportive, compassionate, or helpful. It is codependence. I have more productive things to do with my time and energy. If the fact that I expect the people in my inner circle to rise to a high level of functioning makes me an awful and terrible person, I will own it. I am an awful and terrible person that continues to reduce the amount of manufactured drama in her life. Hallelujah!

Defectors Unite

2009-06-12T08:52:00.000-07:00

I am loving the Counseling Processes class I am taking right now. I am actually doing the deal—a new deal. I had the opportunity to give and have counseling with that AA member that I talked about in my last post, What Has Gotten Into Me? I find that being the client in the sessions is more difficult than being the counselor. As the client, I have to bring an issue to the session. What issues are current for me? Well, there is being jobless in a desolate job market. But I used that issue in the previous session. What would I choose to discuss with the AA member? I had an idea . . .

I called PJ to ask her what she thought about me choosing the topic of leaving AA. She checked my motives. I think my motive was mostly to see if this aspiring counselor could rein in her inclination to spout AA rhetoric with a client who had an aversion to AA. It may seem unlikely to some, but I truly wanted it to be a learning experience for her. Another honest motive is that I really do not have any other pressing issues and I did not feel like role-playing. PJ simply asked me to check myself and be sure that I was not trying to challenge the woman’s beliefs or that I was not trying to take care of her by pushing her to deal with an AA defector so she could be a better counselor.

I went into the counseling lab and I counseled her first, then she counseled me. I decided to use the topic. Much to my surprise, she did very well at not trying to convince me that I needed to go back to meetings. She did not probe about my mental well-being and seemed to respect that I was not in need of “saving”. I never had to assert myself with her, but I do not feel like she ever really got where I was coming from. She was empathetic about the treatment I have received from a lot of 12-steppers and acknowledged that people tend to recoil when you question their beliefs. I could tell at a few points during our session that she really had to think about responses as to not use AA language.

After our session was over, she thanked me for sharing with her. She also said that she could not believe that people were treating me like I had the plague. I said, “Really? You can’t believe that?” She conceded that she was not surprised. Then she went into a speech that anyone who has left AA is familiar with. It was the contrived benevolence, “I do not care if you are not going to meetings. You can call me any time. I will be there for you.” First of all, this assumes that I am somehow in distress or inevitably will be. Secondly, if I did call, I am quite certain that I would be faced with a barrage of AA rhetoric. The next thing that happened is she justified why she was still going to meetings for about 10 minutes. Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z. Why do people always need to do that? I already know why they are still going to meetings. Are they trying to convince me that it is good to go to meetings? Do they feel dumb after having asked me my reasons for not going? If it is still working for them, I will not try to convince them otherwise. In this blog, I do write about people being stuck in AA, but I would never corner an AA member and (no matter how subtly or subconsciously) try to convince them that leaving AA was the only right choice. All I really want from them is the same consideration.

I met with a friend of mine on Tuesday who is an on-the-fringe meeting attendee. He was never immersed the way I was. He told me that his sponsor dumped him similarly to the way my last sponsor dumped me. He said that he was initially angry about it, but had come to agreement with it. He also validated some of the things that I have written about, which made me feel good. I respect his mind and the way he thinks so his opinion means something to me. He also told me that he was not going to meetings anymore. He talked about how long-time members in meetings are covering the same ground over and over and over—like hamsters on a wheel.

We also talked about how AA is such a codependent venture and how dependent people become on their sponsors and AA as a whole. We both agreed that we wanted to be free from that and accept the fact that we have everything we need within ourselves to be successful in our sobriety. We also agreed that a social support system is necessary for everyone’s well-being, but that that system did not have to be AA for alcoholics. What a refreshing discussion we had. There are now 5 defectors in my little circle and I feel incredibly rich! I reached 15 years of sobriety on June 10.

On another note, I had a job interview at the agency that I have been trying to get into. The job seems perfect for what I need to achieve in my last year of my masters program. So, please do whatever you do to send good juju my way. I will hear by the end of next week.

What Has Gotten Into Me?

2009-06-03T12:02:00.000-07:00

While I was in class today, the topic of self-disclosure in counseling came up. Should you, or shouldn’t you? One young woman who works with substance abusers said that the counselors who are in recovery in her agency always disclose because it builds a stronger relationship with their clients. Really?

There is another woman in this class who I know to be a member of AA. After the other woman said her piece, she piped in, “I make no secret about my recovery. I have been sober in Alcoholics Anonymous for many years. In fact, I just celebrated 27 years of sobriety. (Applause from the class, which she fully intended to evoke. Why else would she say it?) Yes, I think you should disclose because the client will trust you more and because you know how to stay sober, they will feel more confident that you can teach them how to do so. Also, I can tell when they are bullshiting better than someone who hasn’t been there could. Because I know the program, I can ask them if they have talked with their sponsor or if they are going to meetings. It will just be better for the client to be working with someone who actually gets them.” So, counselors who aren’t in recovery cannot possibly understand addicts? Really?

There is no research to support that recovering addicts are more effective substance abuse counselors. In fact, even the professor pointed out that substance abuse counselors in recovery are only marginally more successful with substance abusers than their counterparts. During the period of time that I was doing substance abuse counseling, I found that the counselors who were not in recovery were often more effective. They had more rounded skills to offer their clients.

We all know by now that I cannot shut up. So, I commented after the AA member. I said that during my education in substance abuse counseling that several of our instructors suggested that if we were in recovery that we should not disclose that to the clients. They pointed out that many times this is an attempt of the client to take the focus off of themselves and put it on the counselor. The instructors pointed out that the fact that we were in recovery (or not) was irrelevant to the kind of counselor we were, it was about our education, our skill set, and our compassion. With sharp frankness, one instructor stated, “If AA is all you have, you haven’t got enough.”

I described scenarios to the class where the counselor in recovery often was not doing counseling at all, but instead given AA directives. I said many clients resented that. I told the class that AA was not the only way to get sober and when a counselor is only offering the 12-Step option, they are limiting the clients’ opportunities for recovery and their right to self-determination. Then I simply said, “Counselors in recovery do not make better counselors. Honestly, counselors who are not in recovery typically have more abundant resources, they actually draw on their counseling skills more than those who are in AA, and they do not try to ‘program’ people.”

After I finally shut up, I thought, “Wow! What has gotten into you?” A moment later I thought, “I don’t know, but I like it.” Still in disbelief over the AAer’s assertion, I bolted out of the class at the break. I was surprised to see two of the women in my class hurrying behind me. One was the young woman who currently works as a substance abuse counselor. She caught up to me and said, “Gosh, I just had to thank you for what you said in there. The recovering counselors at my agency always make me feel like I will never be as good as they are because I am not a recovering addict. You made me feel like I can be just as good.” I told her she could be; probably even better. Then the other woman stepped in and said, “I also wanted to thank you because I never felt like I would be able to be an effective counselor with substance abusers because I don’t know what it is like to be one. Now I feel like I can help them.” I smiled at her, squeezed her hand and said, “You can help them, just as you can help a person who suffers from an anxiety disorder. You don’t need to have an anxiety disorder to be effective with people who do. It’s no different with addiction.” She thanked me again.

People in AA are not the cat’s meow. They do not have any edge over other people. When you run into anyone who thinks they have the way, run! There is no one way. Does the elitism ever end?

Freedom

2009-06-02T05:55:00.000-07:00

I think there's something you should know
I think it's time I told you so
There's something deep inside of me
There's someone I forgot to be
Take back [my] picture in a frame
Don’t think that I’ll be back again

Choir comes in:
Freedom!
You've gotta give what you take
Hold onto my Freedom!
You've gotta give what you take

Oh my god, I had the most perfect day yesterday! I started a summer class that seems like it is going to be very interesting. My academic advisor is teaching it and I was able to talk to him about getting a job at an agency that would be a very good opportunity to advance my career. I also talked with one of my favorite classmates who works there and he gave me great information about the flexibility that he has there and how perfect it works with his class schedule and how the benefits are great. My advisor gave me a contact name there and he told me to use his name. He is on the board at the agency.

I left school and did NOT go to work! That felt so amazing, to not have to go to that dark, dark place. Instead, after class I met with a friend who is letting me use her books for the class (saved me about $175) and had a nice talk with her about her sky-diving weekend. It was a warm and nourishing conversation. I felt so content as I left her and went home. I took my dog for a long walk and just as I was arriving home, Fed Ex pulled up and delivered my new computer. I had great fun setting the beautiful new machine up and discovered that I have a free 60-day trail of Microsoft Office, which buys me some time for having to purchase it. Amazing way the universe is working for me.

I worked on my computer for most of the day and then met with two friends for dinner to discuss our plans for our San Diego trip this weekend. We’re going to see Brandi Carlile. I can hardly wait to get out of town, and with these two there is sure to be lots of laughs. I went camping with them a few weeks ago and we laughed until we cried many times.

I turn in my exit comments to Human Resources today, which I had to rewrite 4 times, taking some more venom out with each revision. I cannot tell you how much relief it gives me to not have to interact with that unbelievably inauthentic woman I had to call my boss for 16 months. Even more comforting is the fact that I will not have to be inauthentic with her, nor will I have to deal with the relationship dynamics that are either hostile or inappropriate in some other way.

For now, I feel free and it is blissful!

Here's the crooner that we are willing to drive 500 miles to see:

New Computer Tomorrow

2009-05-31T18:21:00.000-07:00

I should be receiving my new computer tomorrow and I will be back up and running. Isn't it just classic that everything blows up just as you become unemployed? Yay! I turned in my lanyard that had become a noose last Friday!

My Ambiguous Self

2009-05-20T21:56:00.000-07:00

I have been slowly reading this book, Buddhism Without Beliefs by Stephen Batchelor. It is a short book, but one that I feel like I really need to savor. There is so much for me to contemplate. There are so many validations in it, yet there are also many points that I do not agree with.

In my last post I wrote about this drive to achieve that I have. I have been questioning this since I wrote the post. This is the way this desire manifests for me: finish the masters program, get into a doctoral program, write the dissertation, get published, get licensed, buy a house, etc., etc. Why can’t I just do things for the shear joy of doing them? For example, I know many artists who create their art simply because it is what brings them pleasure. They seem unconcerned if anyone ever buys their art, if their writing ever gets published, if their music is ever signed to a label. They do it for the pleasure doing it brings to them. I want to be more like them because I do find joy in learning. I do find joy in doing the best that I can in a situation and then moving on to the next situation. I do find joy in the process of becoming. Somehow I forget to recognize that and often times focus on outcomes. Now, let’s see if I can not become attached to the outcome of trying not to be attached to outcomes. Ha!

Back to the Batchelor book and the points that I do not agree with: I have been intrigued with myself and this need I seem to have to connect with some philosophy wholly. There is this desire to find something that mirrors me completely. As I write these words, I see the ridiculousness of the idea that there is anything exactly like me. I also see the fallacy in believing that anything would move and evolve exactly as I do.

The problem with connecting to something entirely is that I am constantly changing. My therapist has said that just as soon as we think we know who we are, we change. Who we are is not fixed. Batchelor writes about this, “The self may not be something, but neither is nothing. It is simply ungraspable, unfindable. I am who I am not because of an essential self hidden away in the core of my being, but because of the unprecedented and unrepeatable matrix of conditions that have formed me. The more I delve into this mystery of who I am (or what anything is), the more I just keep going [and changing]. There is no end to it, only an infinite trajectory that avoids falling into the extremes of being and nonbeing.”

When I look at how much I have changed over the last couple of years, it seems so unbelievable to me. What I believe has dramatically changed from even 6 months ago. I look at all of my years in AA and how steadfast I held to that belief system. At the time, it appeared unshakable. Only now do I see how afraid I was to consider the possibility that they might not be right about everything. I was a prisoner of my own fear and the fellowship more than willingly endorsed that fear. They told me it was a healthy fear and I bought it, hook, line, and sinker.

As I was coming to terms with the fact that AA members were reinforcing dysfunction in each other, I was able to watch people like PJ and Chris and others who had moved away from AA and had not lost their minds. This gave me the courage to forge my own path and to become whatever I wanted to become. In the light of this, I find it amusing that I still seem to have this desire to immerse myself fully in some other philosophy. Wait. What?

If who I am is ephemeral, why then am I always trying to cling to something that appears permanent? The only plausible answer that I can come up with is for security. It makes me wonder how much I have missed out on in my quest for safety. In my subjective reality, every philosophy that I have clung to has, at some time of awakening, fallen flat and lost its meaning and purpose in my life. I hope that I can now accept that my philosophy is always evolving and that there is no such thing as permanency when it comes to me or what I believe. I think this is a good thing. I never want to be so set in my ways that I cannot be open to new ideas.

Batchelor: As we become aware of all this, we can begin to assume greater responsibility for the course of our lives. Instead of clinging to habitual behavior and routines as a means to secure this sense of self, we realize the freedom to create who we are. Instead of being bewitched by impressions, we start to create them. Instead of taking ourselves so seriously, we discover the playful irony of a story that has never been told in quite this way before.

Compulsive Becoming

2009-05-19T06:32:00.000-07:00

A world of contingency and change can offer only simulacra of perfection. When driven by craving, I am convinced that if only I were to achieve this goal, all would be well. While creating the illusion of a purposeful life, craving is really the loss of direction. It is a process of compulsive becoming. It spins me around in circles, covering the same ground again and again. Each time I think I have found a situation that solves all my problems, it suddenly turns out to be a reconfiguration of the very situation I thought I was escaping from. My sense of having found a new lease on life turns out to be merely a repetition of the past. I realize I am running on the spot frantically going nowhere.
–Stephen Batchelor, Buddhism Without Beliefs

Wow, this passage really struck a cord in me. I am definitely compulsively becoming. I am aware that I spend very little time just being. At the same time, I really do believe that to cease becoming would be death for me. I am not the kind of person who can find comfort in the status quo. I need change and evolution and diversity; things to stimulate my mind. I become bored when I wake up to the same thing day after day. I think that is why I love going to school so much. I learn new things, have new professors, meet new people, and know that there will be something new tomorrow.

The problem I have is with allowing myself to be. I have this insatiable drive to do better. Let me be clear, this is not a drive to do more, because that is definitely not me. It is a desire to achieve. I also do not believe that this desire to achieve has anything to do with how I feel about my value as a person. I understand my value. I know that I do good things that mean a lot to a lot of people. I am satisfied with that. What I am not comfortable with is being idle. Intellectually, I know that it is okay, even good, to be still for periods of time. Emotionally, it is maddening.

In the paragraph by Batchelor at the beginning of this post he talks about covering the same ground again and again. I see the truth in that and oh, how I do hate that. I think this might be what my therapist was talking about when he suggested that I may be on the wrong continuum and that it was quite possibly time to transcend that continuum. Words seem completely inadequate to describe how much I believe that this very truth is the essence of my angst. I feel trapped on a continuum which I no longer belong on. I know where I want to be, but have no viable idea how to get there, though I keep trying.

Feeling Like a Little Kidd

2009-05-16T06:34:00.000-07:00

Oooooooooo, I'm going camping today! It's so exciting!

Why Can't You Just Get Along?

2009-05-15T07:28:00.000-07:00

This is a question I heard much from my mother as an adolescent. It seems as if I have always been a person with authority issues. My friend, NY, and I still laugh whenever we say that. She is one of the most outspoken people I know. In fact, there have been times when I have thought, “Why can’t she just get along?” about her. Funny. She worked for a major newspaper for 25 years and always had to reel in her liberal ideas because the paper had to appear impartial. You can’t have any pinko commies working for the paper.

When I was a child, there were things that I lived with which were very oppressive and I was powerless over them. As I came into adolescence, I started to feel powerful and I started to speak out. I have written about the fact that I cannot shut up in this blog. I think that is a crude way of saying that I am no longer willing to be oppressed. Additionally, I am no longer willing to sit quietly by and watch others be oppressed.

Lately, I feel like I am fighting everything and everyone. Now, mind you, this is absolute thinking and it simply is not true. However, I am fighting a lot. The apartment complex that I live in has been slowly turning into a slum over the past couple of years and the managers harass the tenants over small things, while letting much worse maintenance issues go. I have been vocal about some of the more unsightly things around the complex. Then there have been the friends who have demanded too much of me that I have had to confront and say good-bye to some. The AAer bullshit still pops up from time to time, but less and less frequently. The big one right now is work.

That little Supervisory Action about my tardiness resurfaced yesterday when my boss’s boss came in and interrogated me, trying to convince me to say that my tardiness did indeed affect the services we provide. I am sure you will be surprised, but I baulked. She spent between five and ten minutes trying to persuade me that my coworkers were trying to find me and could not, and that they had to make copies of information for me because I was not there, etc., etc. None of it ever happened. And that is what I said to her over and over, with each new suggestion she made about how my tardiness affected my team, “That never happened.”

I continue to be astonished by how my boss and her boss simply expect me to roll over and play dead, like it is ever going to happen. I am a person who is willing to look at my side of the street. I said to my grandboss yesterday, “I was regularly 10 to 15 minutes late. I will take the heat for that. Punctuality has never been my strong suit. However, there is no way I am going to take heat for something I did not do. My integrity with clients is extremely high, and if I ever thought that my tardiness was going to affect them, it would have never happened. I have never been late for a scheduled appointment. Never.” You could see the frustration in her face. It seems to me that they are scrambling to make it look like it was not my boss’s fault that I quit. No, they want it to look like it was my insubordinance that was the trouble. Clever girl that I am, I have a paper trail saying otherwise. Each day, I find more documentation that I had tucked away that exhibits my boss’s incompetence as a supervisor. It’s delightful.

Okay, so what is all this conflict about? What comes to mind for me is that I am establishing myself at a different level. One of the things I have always admired about my mother is that when she walks into a room, she commands respect. I mean it; people sit up and pay attention. My stoner friends were all terrified of her and she did not do anything to prompt that reaction. I am simply establishing that I will not cower to being anyone’s pawn. My boss needs to take responsibility for her own shortcomings as a supervisor. I have my own flaws, and I will take responsibility for that; but the days of me taking responsibility for anybody else’s shit are over.

So why can’t I just get along? Because I deserve better than that. It is a new day, a new life for me.

You Got Nothing on Me

2009-05-13T07:16:00.000-07:00

I love this little song by Shawn Colvin. Can you guess why?

Well I don't tell jokes
And I don't take notes
You been sayin' there ain't much hope
You got nothin' on me

I got friends uptown
And they don't talk down
They been keepin' me safe and sound
We got somethin' to be

So in case you hadn't noticed I'm alright
Not like I was before
Things used to be so hopeless
But not tonight
Tonight I'm walkin' out that door

I'm not gonna cry
I'm wavin' goodbye
And I know this time
You got nothin' on me

Well it ain't that tough
Just more of the usual stuff
One heartache is more than enough
There ain't nothin' to see

I got friends uptown
And they still come 'round
They been keepin' me safe and sound
We got somethin' to be

So don't you try to save me
With your advice
Or turn me into somebody else
Because I'm not crazy
And you're not nice
Keep it to, keep it to yourself

I'm not gonna cry
And I'm wavin' goodbye
And I know this time
You got nothin' on me
No

Dr. Jekyll Makes an Appearance

2009-05-08T08:00:00.000-07:00

A lot of people do not know this, but when Robert Louis Stevenson wrote the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide, he was writing about himself and his alcoholism. However, that is not the Dr. Jekyll that I am referring to in the title of this post. I am talking about my boss who has been sticky, sappy sweet to my coworkers in the office. Our staff meeting this past week was full of accolades and encouraging comments to my coworkers. Our staff meetings are notorious two and a half hour employee deprecation sessions.

There are many reasons why I am going into the field of psychology and observing human behavior is absolutely one of them. My boss knows I gave my resignation because she was an asshole to me, and she knows that the rest of the staff knows that I gave my notice because she was an asshole to me. Now, she is trying to establish that she is not an asshole. Even if a duck has an intermission from walking like and quacking like a duck, it’s still a duck.

Don’t you hate those people who spontaneously combust into the syrupy voice and talk to you like you are the best little child in the whole world? “Yes you are, yes you are!” She came into my office yesterday afternoon to say good-bye to one of my coworkers and told her 3 times within 2 minutes to drive safe on her road trip to Phoenix. The entire interaction was with said syrupy voice. I felt a little nauseous. I had already had more than my quota of sugar for the day.

Once upon a time, her behavior would have filled me with self doubts. I would have been questioning myself and thinking, “Wow, she is really not so bad.” Not today. Today, I can see through her thin veil of sweetness. Today, I expect consistency in my relationships. This does not mean that someone cannot have a bad day. It does mean that people cannot cover up their offenses with some sweet tasting words. Essentially, I am not going to eat a pile of crap with maple syrup on it.

It has been a very rewarding week for me. I have had quite a bit of interaction with professors who want to talk with me about my future and my topic idea for a dissertation. They want to introduce me to other professionals who may be able to help me with the research design. I have also had several people who have told me that they admire me for not letting my boss cross my boundaries and for my determination to not let anything get in the way of my education. The best part is that I realize that I respect and admire myself. How else would I have been able to take this leap? I am so glad that I did. There are many things to look forward to with excitement.

May 5th is a Good Day!

2009-05-06T06:14:00.000-07:00

Sure, May 5th is Cinco de Mayo, but it is also my dog’s birthday. He turned 5 yesterday. I’m going to have cake for he and his friends this weekend. He’s my kid. Also, it is PJ’s sobriety anniversary and she celebrated 15 years yesterday. My anniversary is coming up next month, on June 10. It will be 15 years for me too, and I will celebrate that milestone with people who genuinely care about my sobriety. Fifteen is pretty cool, but I am more excited about 16 because I drank for 16 years and I will be delighted to have balanced it out.

I also finished finals yesterday. I went to the university a bit early because I knew other classmates would be studying together in a common area in the Education building. There were about 15 of us there, calling out questions to each other. I was moved as I sat there looking at everyone. I feel really bonded with some of these people and others I just admire for their ambition to help other people. Quite often, I get choked up listening to class discussions when I hear the wisdom of my classmates and just how very much they (we) care about other people. Everyone seems to have this attitude of, “How can we improve services for people?” It is a pretty poignant experience. I am so grateful for moments like the one I had last night before we all herded into the class, and like the ones while we were taking the exam when many of us looked up from our exams and smiled at each other. I know I picked the right field of study. These people are amazing individuals.

Today will be the cherry on top because I get to go to the last staff meeting I will ever have to go to at this agency. I do not recall if I have ever mentioned these staff meetings in this blog, but they are so painful and long that you want to stick a fork in your eye just to get out of them. That would be a dinner sized fork, not a dessert fork! Hallelujah!

Loving life!

I've Had All I Can Stand and I Can't Stands No Mo

2009-05-04T20:39:00.000-07:00

Life really is an adventure, isn’t it? Last Tuesday, I had a friend call me who I used to work with. She’s a few years younger than me. She has been working at a retail job because the market is so tight. Her supervisor is 20 years old. She told me, very nonchalantly, “I gave my two weeks notice today.” I felt like a dog whose ears perked up. I asked her if she had another job. She said she did not. She said, “I am just too old for this shit, Timi. I have worked in retail before and I just could not take any more grief from this 20-year-old nitwit that does not know a lot about anything.” I asked her, “Aren’t you scared?” She wasn’t. I felt inspired by her courageousness.

My supervisor, after 15-months of virtually no supervision, has decided to have weekly supervision meetings with me. Of course, she has never mentioned to me that we were going to have weekly supervision meetings. She has just been scheduling them through email with me. It was her supervisor who informed me that this was something they planned. In the meeting last Wednesday, she pulled out a supervisory action form for my tardiness. Punctuality has never been my strong point. I am a 10 to 15 minute late kind of person. There are a lot worse flaws to have. She wanted me to sign it without reading it, but I declined and told her that I would read it and give it back to her later. There was some nonsense in it about my tardiness affecting the entire department’s ability to provide child abuse services. Are you kidding me? My tardiness has never, ever impacted services we provide. So, I crossed through the statement and wrote that my tardiness never impacted services and put the form in her box.

Thursday evening another friend called me while I was watching brain-numbing television. I answered the phone and the first thing she said was, “I love me life!” I became acutely aware of myself in the present moment: sulking about my job, terribly slumped on my couch, numbing my brain out. So I sat up straight and clicked the tv off. I said, “Good. That’s a really good thing.” She told me that she had just taught the last class of the semester in her Women, Gender, Ethnicity, and Identity class. She was excited because this semester’s class was very engaged. She was also excited about the progress she was making in therapy and her realization that the possibilities for her life were limitless. She was telling me about an opportunity she was looking at to teach in Chile for the summer. I felt inspired by her enthusiasm about possibilities and change!

I went to bed late on Thursday night because my head was spinning about the predicament I was in at work. I kept going over the many levels of dysfunction at my agency. This also led me to think about the Ethics class I just completed and how aspects of the way I am required to do my job are unethical. The last lesson we had was about what our choices were if our agency had unethical practices: 1) Subvert the practice any way we can; 2) Conform to institutional policies out of fear; 3) Make compromises between institutional demands and personal standards; or 4) We might have to leave the agency.

I had a nightmare that night that was seemingly unrelated to my job. In it, I was trying to help a woman in a abusive situation for which there was no relief. I woke up at 3:30 a.m. and starting sobbing. The first thought that came into my head was, “I need to quit my job.” I don’t know why, but that is what I thought . . . and that morning, that is what I did. I wrote a letter of resignation and met with my boss’s boss on Friday afternoon and extended 4 weeks notice. It was better than an orgasm. It might have been an orgasm.

Eleanor Roosevelt wrote, “Do one thing every day that scares you.” That is sound advice in my opinion. It may be foolhardy to quit a job in these economic times when you do not have one to go to, but I will tell you it was worth it. Even if the worst case scenario happens, and I have to drop out of my masters program so I can work to support myself, I will have more self-respect than I have had allowing myself to be treated the way I was being treated in this job.

I completed two finals tonight and had one of the professors tell me that I was receiving an A in his class. I have one more tomorrow. I may have a 4.0 semester, but even if it’s a 3.7 semester, I will be plenty satisfied with that. I agree with my friend, “I love my life!” I love it a lot more when I am willing to take risks. Truth be known, I was growing bored with my current job. When a person does not have a guiding mentor in their work, their ability to blossom suffers. When something becomes stagnant, it is time for me to move on.

I am tremendously excited for what is next and that is a good indication that I have done the right thing. I may be a freak of nature, but I like change . . . it always means growth and I never want to stop growing.

Transcending the Continuum

2009-04-29T17:26:00.000-07:00

I am reading this most amazing book. It is called Buddhism Without Beliefs by Stephen Batchelor, who is a former monk. The following is an except from it:

Anguish emerges from craving for life to be other than it is. In the face of a changing world, such craving seeks consolation in something permanent and reliable, in a self that is in control of things, in a God who is in charge of destiny. The irony of this strategy is that it turns out to be the cause of what it seeks to dispel. In yearning for anguish to be assuaged in such ways, we reinforce what creates anguish in the first place: the craving for life to be other than it is. We find ourselves spinning in a vicious circle. The more acute the anguish, the more we want to be rid of it, but the more we want to be rid of it, the more acute it gets.

Such behavior is not just a silly mistake we can shrug off. It is an ingrained habit, an addiction. […] To counter it requires resolve of equivalent force to live in another way. This is unlikely, though, to lead to an immediate change in the way we feel. What changes is our resolve.

And that is a good starting place. This is precisely what made me understand that I had to leave meetings. “I found myself spinning in a vicious circle,” making believe that there was some permanency to who I am or what life is. I have definitely been on some circular continuum that no longer suits me. My therapist has suggested that all of my frustration as of late is related to trying to transcend that continuum. I will definitely write more about this later.

Misconceptions and Generalizations

2009-04-22T06:34:00.000-07:00

I have mentioned the paper I had to write about what made me, me. This paper was for my Personality Adjustment class. What I did not know about this paper, as I was baring my soul in it, is that I have to present to the class about my experience with writing the paper. I will be doing that next Tuesday and am mulling over how I can do this without too much self disclosure.

In that paper, I wrote about my alcoholism. The paper was supposed to be confidential. During class last night the professor pointed out a common misconception about schizophrenia and then told the class that we could look very smart by correcting this misconception at a cocktail party. He then quickly looked at me and said, “Punch party! I mean punch party.” What an ass. First of all, he made a public display about my not drinking, but what really bothers me is the generalization that people make about recovering alcoholics.

Why is it that people think that recovering alcoholics cannot be around alcohol? I suppose it is because some alcoholics do still have difficulty being around alcohol. This is not my case and I guess I feel insulted when people make that sweeping generalization. I am not bothered in the least by being around alcohol. The classmate that recently told me he was an alcoholic said to me after class, “Do you think he will put that punch in a sippy cup for you?”

My classmate and I talked about how we were not bothered by being around people who are having cocktails, but both agreed we hated being around people who were stupid drunk. This is not because we feel like we are in danger of drinking, but rather because stupid drunk people are just plain unpleasant to be around for anyone who has a modicum of maturity and self-respect. Who isn’t irritated by someone telling you the same story five times in 20 minutes? Who likes it when someone is yelling two inches from your face, while alcohol-laden spittle hits you in the face?

I do like this professor, but sometimes, wow, he is just so inappropriate. I am going to send him an email and mention this to him in a gentle way. He is a psychologist for god’s sake. He should know better than to make such generalizations.

Finding Each Other

2009-04-19T15:46:00.000-07:00

I found out that one of my favorite classmates is also a sober alcoholic who left AA. This seems to be happening more and more for me. I really am enjoying the connections and the shared views. Feeling less isolated is a good thing.

Vulnerable Social Being

2009-04-05T11:37:00.000-07:00

I recently wrote a paper for my Personality class that was about significant life events that made me, me. I was really surprised by how much I railed against writing it. In general, I do not have difficulty discussing my past. I wrote about my experience in AA. I talked about how much I was able to change my view of the world and how I related to it by going through the steps. A common theory about personality in the world of psychology is that it is fixed. My text (Human Adjustment, Santrock, 2006) defines it as a pattern of enduring, distinctive thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that characterize the way an individual adapts to the world. I tend to disagree with this theory and think that if it was true that I would not be interested in a career in psychology. But I digress.

I also wrote about leaving AA and how I felt that I needed to do so in order to continue to grow into the person I wish to be. I wrote about feeling caught in a mindset that was no longer propelling me forward. When I received comments on the paper from the professor, he wrote, “I admire your strength to find yourself, quit drinking, and actually move beyond what AA teaches. Most people eventually become stunted there if they do not move on.” That’s the fourth psychologist, and yes, I am counting. The validation is important.

I spoke with PJ this morning. We have both been really busy living life, and I miss her. We talked mostly about vulnerability. We talked about my inability to write that paper before it was due and why it is sometimes harder to talk about my personal tragedies than it is at others. PJ suggested it might be about vulnerability. It is true that when I feel vulnerable that I do not want to expose myself to others. I have been feeling vulnerable, so this makes sense to me.

PJ expressed that she had also been feeling vulnerable. She is working at an art show this weekend and some guy from AA came up to her and shamed her for not attending meetings. He started “fire-hosing” her with information about people they both knew and how well they were doing and that they were going to meetings. My favorite was the mention of a man in his 80s who was still going to several meetings a week. “Blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.” I think PJ was feeling surprised that she had an emotional reaction to it, but as we talked about it, she realized that it was probably due to her feeling vulnerable. PJ was left asking about them, “Is that all there is? Really, is that all there is?”

You know, I think I could get along a lot better with AAers if they would stop pulling this nonsense. I do not need to be saved, and neither does PJ. One would think that if I was behaving in an unstable manner that any one of the dozens of psychologists, therapists, psych grads, or psych grad students that I am surrounded by would speak up. But no, it is all the fanatical AA whackos who believe themselves qualified to make assessments about my mental condition. Hmmm, who to rely on?

I am aware that there are many program folks out there who assume that PJ and I take offense to their unsolicited opinions because deep down, we know they are right, or because we are wobbly on our decision to leave. No, no, no. It is because we are human, and that means we are social beings, and that means we are vulnerable to the influences of other people. We are vulnerable. All of this shitty nonsense about not doing it right is wearing. I am counting the number of highly trained and skilled psychology professionals that support me because they make logical sense to me, and program rhetoric is lofty and not cogent.

Good Enough

2009-04-02T07:48:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about this idea of “good enough.” There is this concept of parenting that is called Good Enough Parenting. The general idea is that if a parent is meeting a child’s needs, that is good enough. I suppose it is, but it still rubs me the wrong way. I also suppose it is easy for me to judge this, not being a parent myself. However, I have seen a lot of “good enough” parents come through my agency, and well . . . .

Parenting is not the only area where I have been wondering if good enough really is good enough. I think about it with school work too. Sadly, at my current institution, my good enough and their good enough are different things. I once argued with a professor for giving me an A on a paper because I knew it was not A work. Everyone laughed at me and the professor told me that it was good enough. I tend to lose my motivation when I do not feel challenged or do not feel like I am learning anything new. I know you would never believe that about me. I also worry about being prepared for a doctoral program away from this school because I sense that these other schools’ “good enough” is also going to be entirely different from NAU. I have a friend who graduated from NAU with a bachelor degree in Criminal Justice. She then went on to Law School at Northeastern in Boston. She did say that her education at NAU in no way prepared her for Northeastern. I wonder if I will feel lost when I enter a doctoral program, “Whoa, they never taught me that!”

I work with two women who are complete opposites when it comes to the type of work they do. One is a perfectionist and the other is, well, a “good enough” kind of person. One comes to work immaculately groomed every day and the other often looks disheveled with dirt on her clothes or clothes inside out, etc. One is an overachiever and the other likes to pretend that she is, when the truth is that she does not do anything well. It is blatantly obvious who is the more effective of the two. Now, I am not saying that perfectionism is a good thing. I do think it should be tempered, but I also think it’s better than a “good enough” attitude, and especially when you are dealing with human services.

The last thing that I have been thinking about is relationships. Oh yeah. I know so many people who are in “good enough” relationships. I have one friend who is married to an alcoholic who is verbally abusive when he is drunk. She recently told me that she just ignores him when he is like that and declared that is not her battle to fight. That is probably the worst of it, but there are other people I know whose resignation is much more subtle. They are not genuinely happy with their partners, but the relationship is good enough for them. There seems to be this “good enough” mentality that they will not be able to meet someone who might be better suited for them. Some also think it awful to have to be alone with themselves. Take it from me, it is not so bad. Now, I have no illusions about meeting the perfect mate. That is preposterous. However, I also know that I will never be in a satisfying relationship as long as I have settled for Mr. Good Enough.

I have really been studying people (myself included) related to this concept. We talk so much about our growth and about how we are making better choices for ourselves since we began to recover our authentic selves. What I have witnessed is that along with our growth we continue to settle. I am not saying that we have not grown, because we definitely have. The relationship, school, job, friendships, etc. we are in are likely to be better than anything we have experienced before, but typically it still does not match our growth. It may have been in the past that we chose situations that were a measure (say an inch) away from what is suitable for us, and while we have grown and the choices we make are better, they are still an inch from suitable for us. All we focus on is that the choice is better and we dismiss the fact that we still have not closed the gap. It still is not the best we can do. We do convince ourselves of that though. We tell ourselves in various forms that this is good enough because it is better than before. But so are we.

For me, only for me, I no longer wish to call something that is lower than my ability/right/desire “good enough”. If actions speak louder than words, then succumbing to this idea surely screams that I do not believe in myself or my right to do and have the very best I can. It is resignation.

To Practice, or Not to Practice

2009-03-29T07:51:00.000-07:00

Ernest Hemmingway said that all thinking men are atheists. Arthur C. Clarke said that religion is the most malevolent of all mind viruses. Stephen Weinberg said, “Without religion, we'd have good people doing good things, and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion."

Recently, I asked a couple of Buddhist friends if they had any information on Buddhism for beginners. By the end of the week I had 3 books, and after about 10 pages into each of the books, I knew I was not Buddhist.

Whenever I look back to my time spent attending a Navajo sweat lodge, I feel like we were just a bunch of white people playing Indians. First of all, the way this group practiced it was not how the Navajo people traditionally practice it. The sweat lodge is meant for ceremonial occasions and this one happens like clock work twice a week, just like the white people’s church. The majority of the people in that lodge were not praying, but rather sharing, just as they would in a meeting. Many times, people were grand-standing about how spiritual they were, addressing the group, not some spiritual entity. I also often recognized member’s disclosures as attention-seeking. The keeper of the lodge seemed to encourage that. The lodge is intended for prayer and for being as humble as possible as you give thanks to the Great Spirit or Spirits. There was one Navajo woman that would come to that lodge from time to time and I was always astonished at her level of humility in the lodge. She showed absolutely no ego. I also participated in a Lakota lodge once (again, mostly white folks who practiced with regularity like a church) and also felt an amazing amount of ego, along with sexism in that lodge. No thank you.

That behavior always reminded me of a guy I knew who tattooed the ohm symbol on his arm. “Look at how spiritual I am.” It makes me wonder where the humility is because aren’t all religions supposed to be based on humility? Yet every religious person I know (they can call it spiritual if they want, but it is religious) finds it necessary to be recognized for the good they are doing.

After being a member of the religion of AA for so many years, I find it discomforting to not have some sort of spiritual practice. It feels like that aspect is missing. I inquired about Buddhism because I know Buddhists do not typically believe in a God. As I have said before, I consider myself agnostic. However, I am leaning more toward atheism these days. I was at the gym last week, in the middle of an intense cardio workout and wondered, “Could I make taking care of my health my religion?”

I have studied most religions to a degree. I have been a seeker. It did not matter what religion I was considering, I always hit some sort of a snag. In all forms of Christianity I could not believe in a God that was going to wipe out 75% of the world’s population because they were not “saved,” and I never really saw how churches were anything like Christ. He was much more inclusive than any church I have ever been to. Additionally, the patriarchy in Christianity is completely unpalatable. With Hinduism, I could not endorse the Cast System. With Islam, the sexism was never going to work for me. I find too much dogma in Buddhism and I think seeking a constant state of tranquility is not only impossible, but also undesirable. With Judaism, they claim to be the “chosen” people. I do not believe in chosen people. Quakers believe that there is absolutely no justification for violence. I believe that there are definitely times when violence is justified.

I know that there are a lot of people out there who would tell me that they do not agree completely with the tenets of their chosen religion, but they simply take what works and leave the rest. I feel like I do that too, but I do not claim that I follow Native American traditions or that I am a Christian, a Hindu, a Muslim, a Buddhist, a Jew, or a Quaker. If I disagree with any of their doctrine then I believe it is inauthentic to call myself one of them. Repeat after me, “What I least want to be is inauthentic.” How can anyone ever really know me if I am claiming to be something I am not? Is that really spiritual?

I wonder if this need for a spiritual practice is just another social construct. Is what I am feeling simply a mindless compulsion to follow the norm? Is it merely another consequence of indoctrination? Are there any spiritual doctrines that value complete authenticity? Can I claim Rogerianism as a religion?

Oh, the great mysteries of life . . . .

Don't Think. Whatever You Do, Don't Think!

2009-03-25T07:08:00.000-07:00

A dear friend of mine sent me an article from the Grapevine that made her blood boil. The Grapevine is the AA magazine for those who do not know. As I read the article, I was laughing out loud through most of it. The article was entitled, "A Saying for All Seasons." The article revolved around how useful AA slogans are, and the writer gave a litany of them. Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z!

Some of my favorite aspects of the article were when the author talked about his friend who had been sober for 9 years and told him that he did not go to meetings anymore and that the rhetoric and slogans were mind-numbing. His friend said, "I'm tired of going to rooms where over and over again I hear sayings designed to be understood by people with an average I.Q. of 58." Needless to say, I related to this. Then the author went on to write, "I don't know what happened to Jim. I can only guess." He also offered up a saying he valued, "I've never met a man too dumb to get the program, but I have met people too smart." What kind of horse shit is that?

Here's another precious piece of this article, "Coming into a group session one day, my counselor heard me carrying-on about the "paradoxes" of the program: "How can you take full responsibility for your feelings and actions and at the same time, 'Let Go and Let God?' How can you build your self-esteem if you are constantly praising 'the Father who doeth the works?' Bo, smiling gently, said, 'For most people, Don, we say don't drink and go to meetings. For you, however, I say, 'Don't think, don't drink, and go to meetings!'"

Is it just me, or is this a asinine suggestion that we do not use our rational, logical mind? Check please! I am laughing my ass off!

The Value of Discomfort

2009-03-21T13:27:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about discomfort lately. Yes, because I have been experiencing it. I was walking with my dog one day this past week and I was thinking about some of the challenges I have been going through and wishing I knew what it was about so I could get through it. In that moment, I felt a sense of calm wash over me. I thought, “It is okay that you feel like this, it is not going to kill you.”

I started to think about what a good thing discomfort is. We, as a culture, do not tend to look at discomfort that way. As I have been looking back on my life, I had to concede that most, if not all, of the good things that have happened in my life came through discomfort. I have ended unhealthy relationships because of discomfort. I quit drinking because of discomfort. I went back to school because of discomfort. I quit jobs that no longer suited me because of discomfort. I went to therapy because of discomfort. I have moved from places because of discomfort.

The way I see it, discomfort has a very natural function. Discomfort is a useful emotional state, if we are willing to take a serious look at why we feel uncomfortable. Rather than choosing any option to get out of discomfort, I feel it is better to sit with it and ponder the nature of it. We all know innumerable ways to distract ourselves from discomfort. Lately, I have realized just how important it is to let my discomfort teach me and propel me in the direction that will naturally and gradually make my angst subside. Quick fixes do not work. Sooner or later the discomfort returns. I am more interested in getting to the bottom of my discomfort than I am with temporarily feeling better.

I have recently written about being haunted by my former, younger self. I wrote about the possibility of writing a eulogy for her. I also wrote about the possibility of embracing her and integrating her. Intuitively, I knew that I just needed to sit with the discomfort of her creating turmoil in my life. She has been appearing in various parts of my life. Initially, I was frantic about the mayhem she was creating and about the pain memories of her were causing me. All I could think about was how I could make her stop. I wanted to kill her.

I forced myself to not do anything. I let the memories, reminders, and turmoil come. I started to have other memories about her. I remembered that she was the bold and unabashed one who found ways to stop the abuse and to stop the pain of the abuse. She was the one who stood up and roared, “NO!” I started to see her as a hero. I stopped trying to disown her. I have actually thanked her.

The most amazing thing has happened. She has started to cooperate with me, and I have become willing to hear her. In the past few days I have been able to accomplish much and still find time to do things that are important to her. I have taken care of her in the same way that she took care of me.

You know what? I would have never recognized her value if I had consistently tried to quiet or mask the discomfort she was exposing me to. She would have only screamed louder and wreaked more havoc in my life. Now, that I have acknowledged her, I am more grounded, more able to focus on the important things in my life. I took a couple of days off from work over Spring Break and am amazed by how focused I was and how much I accomplished. I wrote that paper I had been struggling with, and it was good. In fact, writing that paper gave me a lot of new insights into my former self.

Yes, there is much value in discomfort. Discomfort has almost always led me to better things. Our culture medicates discomfort instead of paying attention to what it’s about. So often, we deny the beauty of nature. How often do people go on anti-depressants rather than paying attention to what their depression is about and then doing something that would change it? Our discomfort is trying to tell us something. I intend to listen.

Clammed Up

2009-03-17T06:53:00.000-07:00

I have a paper to write for my Personality Adjustment class. It is a very personal paper. I am supposed to write about what made me, me. What were major events in my life that had huge impacts on me and “adjusted” my personality? I wish I could just write, “child abuse, ensuing alcoholism, and recovery.” But no, that won’t span 7 to 10 pages . . . unless . . . I use really big, maybe 125, type font.

What is this? I am rarely at a loss for words. Even this very personal and sometimes painful subject matter usually does not clam me up. Last semester, I had to write a 10-page genogram narrative. It was a piece of cake. After all, what subject do I know any better?

Just last week a friend and I were having a chuckle over how difficult it was for both of us to reel in our verbosity. Right now, I am like a clam. I do not want to write it. I sit down at my computer, type a sentence, and close the document. It is causing me a lot of stress and grief. How do I get around this? I am grateful for any suggestions.

Eureka!

2009-03-11T06:58:00.000-07:00

I have a dear, long-time friend in California who has been following my blog. I did not know it because she keeps quiet. Yesterday she told me that she felt empowered by something I wrote. Seems she is having a really hard time with AA as well. She has not yet clarified why that is, but it was so refreshing to “hear” another voice that is having some of the same struggles I did.

This beautiful woman is someone I spent a great deal of time with in my early sobriety. What I remember most is our laughter. Even then, we were laughing about how crazy some of the shit was that went on in meetings. Memories from that time sure are fun.

Basking in the connection . . . .

Writing a Eulogy

2009-03-08T10:17:00.000-07:00

Most of you know that I do not read many blogs. It is not for lack of interest, just that I have a whole lot of text to read for school, which also does not always get done. The only blog I read regularly is Vicarious Rising. Having her find my blog and in turn I found hers repeatedly gives me a feeling of serendipity. This is because we connect to each other’s emotional paths. I learn a lot from her internal musing.

Vicarious has been writing a novel. The main character in her novel is based, to a degree that I am uncertain of, on her own life story. In her blog she writes about parts of the story that are emotionally challenging for her to write. I have cried for her in some of the challenging parts because I relate so intensely to them. It may seem strange, but she feels a bit like a younger sister to me, just from reading her online journal. I feel like I know her and like, at times, I can predict what she will do next. This is not saying that she is predictable, because she is not. It’s just that I feel like I know her, just like you know what your family members will likely do next. As of late, her book writing has become more and more intriguing to me. My interest is growing about how this might help her to integrate all of the parts she has played throughout her life.

An issue that I have had throughout my recovery is wishing to disown aspects of my former self. In particular, the girl/woman I was in my late teens and early 20s. This causes me grief because you cannot disown yourself. I seem to have conflicting feelings about this young woman. On the one hand, I understand why she did the things she did. I understand that she was trying to manage her pain in very destructive ways. I want to hold her and love her, the way I wish my own mother had. On the other hand, I really want her to stop haunting me. I want to close the door on that part of my life and live here, now. I want to be clear that I do not regret the past. It has made me who I am, and I like myself today. However, I did not like myself then, but she keeps showing up to remind me of who I was.

I have mentioned that many people from that era of my life are reappearing via Facebook. With each new friend request, my shoulders and neck grow tighter. In the midst of all of this, I had a gauzy memory appear from that time period that could have put an end to my career pursuit. Upon further investigation of this event, my memory was incorrect and it became a non-issue. However, before I knew, I was terrified that this younger self had done it to me again. She had shattered my dreams.

I scheduled an appointment with my therapist, who I saw yesterday morning. I was sure I knew what he would say. I was sure he would tell me that I needed to love and accept this young woman. I was sure he would say that I needed to invite her into my life so I could integrate her. That is not what he said.

He told me that perhaps she was still haunting me because I had not given her a “proper burial.” He then told me the history of funerals and memorials. People had these ceremonies to honor their loved ones and to save themselves from being haunted by the dead.

Possibly in a much different vein than Vicarious, but I think I will start writing that eulogy.

Nikki Giovanni

2009-03-06T06:51:00.000-08:00

Nikki Giovanni is a world-renowned poet, writer, commentator, activist, and educator. Over the past thirty years, her outspokenness, in her writing and in lectures, has brought the eyes of the world upon her. One of the most widely-read American poets, she prides herself on being "a Black American, a daughter, a mother, a professor of English."

Giovanni remains as determined and committed as ever to the fight for civil rights and equality. Always insisting on presenting the truth as she sees it, she has maintained a prominent place as a strong voice of the Black community. Her focus is on the individual, specifically, on the power one has to make a difference in oneself, and thus, in the lives of others.

I got to see her last night and listen to her read some of her poems. She was good friends with Rosa Parks. She is full of fire. She is passionate about art and women's rights and doing the right thing and making the world better. She is charmingly opinionated. She is beautiful and spirited and in your face and I loved her. Nikki Giovanni reminded me to honor the things I am passionate about; and that, being "nice" does not get anything done.

I have a new hero. She was inspiring. Life is very rich. Very rich!

Whirlpools of Testosterone

2009-03-03T16:30:00.000-08:00

I have a number of women friends that are heterosexual who say that they think a woman’s body is more beautiful than a man’s body. Some even say that a man’s body is not beautiful. I have a differing opinion. I find men’s bodies to be very beautiful. I think the sexiest part of a man’s body is the way their hips are different from ours, the way their hips indent, rather than protrude. I like the differences.

I used to have a boyfriend who was 6’5”, and I loved to lie next to him and see the difference in our shoulder span. I dated another guy who worked for a moving company, and he had the most amazing build. He used to laugh at me because I was always touching his biceps. I do, indeed, think a woman’s body is beautiful, but I would always prefer to look at the male physique. I am enthralled with the wonderful differences in our bodies and how they seem to mold together just perfectly. I think it’s safe to say that I am heterosexual.

The last two gyms I have worked out at have all of the cardio equipment on the top floor balconies and the weight equipment on the bottom floor. This gives the people doing cardio a kind of voyeuristic view. It is mostly men on the weight floor. I was watching the men today. I first noticed a young man working with the tricep rope. I worked with a trainer about 7 years ago and I hated that rope. Once my trainer had me pulling that rope and he said that he could see me eyeballing the door and that he would make no qualms about tackling me before I got to it (he was playing). This young man appeared to be enjoying it as much as I did, with long pauses between reps. It made me smile.

Then I watched other men in their rigorous weight training routines, pulling themselves up easily and smoothly on the chin bar. It was really quite pleasing to look at their muscular bodies. I watched them weave in and out of the weight equipment set-up and slap each other of the back and talk about how manly they were. I thought, “Wow, they are just little whirlpools of testosterone.”

While I talk about how I love the male physique, I have found over the past few years that I most often do not care for the male mind. I have to clarify that I am talking about your every day, typical male mind. I am referring to the guys who are led by their genitalia. I am referring to the guys who think feminism is just a bunch of bitches screaming their heads off. I am referring to the guys who do not care or believe that women are oppressed. I am referring to the guys who ask you out because of how you look and could not care less who you are.

I believe that these types of “men” are, in part, the reason I allowed myself to pack on an extra 30 pounds. I am not blaming, the weight is my dysfunctional attempt at protecting myself. The thing is, somewhere in my unconscious, I realize that those kinds of men would probably leave me alone if I were kind of frumpy. It works. I read a story written by a Muslim woman who said some women choose to wear a burka because then people cannot see your beauty and they treat you like a person, not an object. That was a profound statement to me.

I have a friend in her late 20s who was dating a guy who she found liked to listen to misogynistic music. She liked the guy alright, but could not continue to listen to the music. When she asked him to please not listen to that music, he suggested she was being too sensitive. She broke up with him. Whoa! She did not have to consider it. She just knew that she could not live with a man who thought lyrics like, “I’m gonna bury my bitch in the back yard,” were okay. She is one of my heroes. I could have never done that at her age. PJ and I both talked about how much we admire her for making that stand.

I used to work with a heterosexual man who had and wore a T-shirt that read, “This is What a Feminist Looks Like.” People always asked him how he became involved with victim services. He said that there was so much violence against women that he simply could no longer look the other way. He is one of my heroes. Then there is Jackson Katz and Alan Berkowitz and that cute professor who covered all counseling theories in one class period, except for Feminist Theory, when he used two classes to cover it because he thought it was important. Let’s not forget our feminist President, Barack Obama.

PJ told me that if she should ever lose her husband, through divorce or death, she probably would not seek another partner. She said that her husband is a hard act to follow. She makes my point very well for me. Good men are out there, but they are indeed a rare find. I am a woman who wants a Jackson Katz or a Barack Obama. At my age, I should not have to be teaching a man about feminism. At my age, a man should be evolved enough to know. If he does not, eh, I am content to live alone.

Cash Refundable

2009-03-01T16:38:00.000-08:00

I can remember when I first starting doing family or origin work in therapy. I had a great therapist then. We worked for a long time on identifying and naming the dysfunction within my family system. I know a lot of people think that family of origin work is overrated or that the person doing it is evading responsibility for the way they are. I think people who refer to it in the pejorative as navel gazing are too chicken shit to do the work.

Backing away from my judgment (only for a bit), this therapist I was seeing was really good in that she warned me that it would be very difficult for me to change my role in the dysfunction of my family. She warned me that after I confronted them and told them that I would no longer participate in the dysfunction that they would pull out all stops to bring the family back to homeostasis.

She was right. They did pull out all stops. They knew all of the buttons to push and I felt as if I was trying to push a door closed with all of the rest of them on the other side trying to push it open. I had been programmed to believe that when there are so many working against me that I was probably doing something wrong. I remembered a phrase I heard so many times in meetings, “If you’re on the road and you think that one person is an asshole, that person may be an asshole. But if you think everyone is an asshole, you’re probably the asshole.” I beg to differ. Sometimes there are lots of assholes on the road.

I was tempted to give up on my family. Their push back was so strong that I did not think I could do it. I did not believe I could change my role in my family system. I pushed back for a long time, still with resistance. I do not know when it was, but one day it changed. My family is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but it is better. A whole lot better.

I feel like I am going through this again. I am at a place were I am rigid and unbending in some areas. I ask myself, “Why do you always have to argue with people? Why can’t you just let them say their piece without disagreeing with them?” The answer to that is that I feel like some people are giving me unsolicited advice. I feel like other people are telling me who I am or what my intentions are without having a clue. I also feel that if they have a right to puke their views all over me, that I have a right to tell them what I think too. Ah, but my views are not mainstream.

Maybe I am paranoid, but I feel like whenever I talk to people who are still programmed that they are always trying to fix me or my perspective. One woman I used to sponsor is constantly making suggestions to me, trying to make me feel “better,” when I do not want her “better” Her ideas are so Polly Anna. Some people have called me out of the blue to see how I am doing. I never give the right answers and the conversation ends quickly. They do not really want to here about my life and that I am doing well. I am angry sometimes; therefore, I must be getting ready to take a drink. My heroes are no longer my heroes. I must be getting ready to take a drink. I do not have the same spiritual practices as they do, nor do I believe a good many of the tenets of AA. Surely, I will take a drink.

I feel that same push back again. I feel worn out by it again. It is always amazing to me that just about the time I am ready to give up, something shows up to move me along in the same direction. How many of the great humanitarians of history had to keep pushing forward with a lot more resistance that I have to deal with? What if they had given up? I am not saying that I will do things as great as these individuals did; but if I give up, I will never know. I cannot stop speaking my truth. I cannot go back to conforming to something I do not believe in. I cannot give in to what other people want me to do.

The resistance is incredibly draining. The constant messages that I am being imprudent are demoralizing. It’s making me wonder if I simply need to cut all programmed people out of my life. I had to do it with my family for about 18 months. Sometimes everyone really is an asshole, and why do I need to keep exposing myself to such unkindness?

“I don’t spend my time with anyone who doesn’t think I’m wonderful, or somewhat cash refundable.” --Train

Sleeping Dogs Nipping at My Heels

2009-02-24T06:53:00.000-08:00

Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the wise. Seek what they sought.
–Matsuo Basho

A friend cited this quote to me when I was talking about how strange it felt to not have any mentors. It was perfect. Just because I am not following in someone else’s footsteps does not mean that I am not “seeking what they have sought.” We all have our own path, and I have always thought it was icky to mimic someone else. “Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.” –Oscar Wilde

Switching gears, last week I posted a bunch of photos on Facebook. Many of them went in an album entitled, Timi in the 80s. It was fun for a while and then I hit that snag. Those pics were from the sickest time in my life. There were pics of guys who I let (let’s be clear about that) walk all over me. Some of my readers may find it hard to believe, but I was a total metal chick in the 80s. I was somewhat of a groupie on Sunset Strip in Hollywood. The photos left me feeling a little nauseous. Since then, I have been deleting them one by one. The picture I posted here is of me and Carlos Cavazo, the lead guitarist for Quiet Riot, after Randy Rhodes died.

Interestingly enough, several of the people I knew in the 80s began to clamor away about how great the 80s were and how much they missed them. This also made me feel a little nauseous. A few people that I hung out with then are in their 40s like me, and their scene is still Hollywood’s Sunset Strip. The last time I went there, I was kind of shocked to see the same old faces, the same old drunks, and the same old hair. Life has not changed much for these folks and I have to admit that I abhor the thought of it.

I have said before, that I think change is a good thing, that I cannot do the same job, stick with the same crowd, the same recreation for years upon years. For me, growth comes from new experiences. When I moved to Flagstaff, so many things changed for me and I grew and changed too. It was very good for me. Of course, going back to school was also huge in my life.

Back to Facebook: A woman I went to college with the first time around (ages 18 through 21) contacted me via Facebook. Wow, this stirred up many more emotions for me. You see, I spent my worse drinking years with this woman. I have done my best to put them behind me. Unfortunately, this woman represents the most miserable time of my life to me. I do not want to look back. Besides, I think it’s probably accurate to say that the only thing we have in common is history. Bad history. I was feeling pretty sick about all of it.

Then the light bulb came on. I never made amends to this woman and I did some pretty horrific things to her. I made that amends and it does not feel so bad anymore. I continue to delete those pics off of my Facebook account, despite the pleading of some who are stuck to post more. The Book was wrong, I do want to shut the door on my past. I am happy to keep doing the work so that maybe one day I will be able to.

Okay, So I Am Not Only the Fool

2009-02-23T11:23:00.000-08:00

I had a couple of friends warn me about over-identifying with one archetype. I just think it is cool to look at Fool in an alternative light than our culture does. I also thought it was cool to be able to accept that I am The Fool without attaching some pejorative connotation to it.

My Name is Timi, and I am The Fool

2009-02-22T07:14:00.000-08:00

I went to another 3rd Friday discussion. The topic of this one was the archetype of The Fool. It was an amazing discussion and everyone was so enthralled that the discussion went 45 minutes over the allotted time. I found that I am indeed The Fool and that I am happy to be.

In mythology, the Fool is a spirit that seeks new experiences. She represents mystical cleverness departing from reason and a childlike ability to tap into the true nature of the world. The Fool has a divine quality of insight and enthusiasm. The Fool knows that she has within her all of the things that she will need (depicted by the satchel she carries on the Tarot card). The Fool appreciates beauty and typically carries something with her that she considers beautiful. The Fool is often accompanied by a dog, which represents both her animal desires and also the call of the “real” world.

On the Tarot deck, the Fool card is the zero card. One interpretation of this card is that the Fool is empty and can become anything she wants to be. Whenever you add zero to anything, it is the same thing. Therefore, the Fool does not change whatever it becomes. She becomes whatever she desires, and if she desires to become something else, she does not diminish that which she left.

The Fool is usually the protagonist of a story. The Fool is not to be confused with the Magician or the Trickster. The Magician and the Trickster are also protagonists, but they intentionally say or do things that they know will upset people. The Fool, on the other hand, has no intention. They just say and do what is natural to them. They are not confined by sanctioned roles.

The Fool is often the youngest son or daughter who accomplishes great achievements despite the superior rank their older siblings typically have. Examples of The Fool include Cinderella, Psyche, and Cordelia (King Lear). Also, the one teetering at the edge of Nietzsche’s abyss would be considered The Fool.

Notice in the image of the Tarot Card I have posted that The Fool appears to be dangerously close to walking off the cliff with little regard for what is about to happen. So, is the Fool completely insane? Or is she stepping out in faith?

Pity Party

2009-02-16T05:42:00.000-08:00

Wow, I was having a pity party yesterday! There are a lot of factors playing into that, I think. I am truly sick of living the broke student lifestyle, but it could be a lot worse. I am sure of that. I am living in the smallest apartment I have ever lived in and the maintenance and management are horrible. I won't go into the details, but suffice it to say that what was a comfortable and well groomed apartment complex when I moved into it 5 years ago has deteriorated to a slum. Now I need to choose between a vacation or a move in May. Sucky decision to have to make, but I can only afford to do one of those things.

I think the weather has been getting to me a bit too. It has been really cold and we are getting snow storms about once a week. I slipped on ice and my back has been a little jacked since then. My dog has giardia and so far, none of the treatments are working to get rid of it. This is costing a good deal of money. Plus, I love the little monkey and the powerlessness over his illness makes me sad.

Lastly, I had been working out regularly again, and last week I did not get to the gym once because the weather was so foul. I am checking the average annual snow fall in the cities where I am looking at doctoral programs. Flagstaff gets an average of 100 inches per year, last I checked. Greeley averages 33 inches. I think I could live with that.

So, I went to the gym this morning and surprise, surprise, I feel a lot better. Now, I have to go get in my shower. My water heater is on the fritz and the water will only stay hot for about 5 minutes. Let's see if I can maintain my chipper mood after a cold shower. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

Two Words: Therapy

2009-02-15T09:25:00.000-08:00

That subject line happens to be my favorite line from the movie, So, I Married an Axe Murderer. I saw my therapist on Friday. The good doctor’s diagnosis is that I am mentally sound. He looked at the scores on my MMPI and said that none of my scores were within the clinical range. Some of my scores did not even make it into the average scale. Supposedly that means that I am more mentally stable than the average person. My therapist also pointed out that the measures for being truthful all checked out. So, this assessment tool states that I am mentally sound. I know a lot of people who would argue with that. Frankly, my therapist’s opinion means more to me than those folks' or the assessment tool. He explained that the paranoid scale was probably somewhat elevated because I am a trauma survivor and most trauma survivors are at least a little paranoid. Normal is not very sexy, is it? Or is it? Yeah, I think it is sexy.

I told my therapist that I have been having erotic dreams about Barack Obama. He had a good laugh and said he thought that probably ¾ of the country was having erotic dreams about Obama. Then he explained that erotic dreams usually have very little to do with sex, but they have a lot to do with connecting with the person in the dream. It is about identification. He told me that I already have that thing within me that draws me to Obama. That felt like a wonderful compliment to me. I have an enormous amount of respect for our President. I honestly do not remember the last time I could say that.

We talked about my shame surrounding letting go of old mentors and not really having new ones to replace them. That old voice has been coming up, “Who do you think you are?” I feel so guilty when I lose admiration for people who I used to look up to. I also feel angry when people turn out to be someone different than who I thought they were. Both of these feelings do not make sense, but I still feel them. They are feelings; they are emotional, not logical. I am sure that I have disappointed people by not being who they thought I was. After all, we are changing all of the time, some of us more than others. My therapist really understood this because he has also struggled with mentors. They are comforting and give us inspiration, but the reality may be that we do not need them. To thine own self be true. We can chart our own course. Just writing that makes me feel guilty.

The future of my education has been on my mind a lot lately. I have been thinking of traveling to some of the schools I am considering for my doctoral work. Before I even completed my bachelor degree, I was honored with being asked to interview at The Wright Institute in Berkeley, California. Damn! What a rush that was! I made their Wait List, which they did not need to refer to. I would consider applying there again. I am also considering the University of Northern Colorado in Greeley. Pacific University in Forest Grove, Oregon is another choice I am seriously considering. Today, I looked at the school my therapist graduated from, Pacifica Graduate Institute. It sounds like a very interesting program. I keep looking, but I have to admit, I am really tired of living the life of a student. I am 42 years old and wish I was living a less restricted life. I keep telling myself that it is not for that much longer, but I am so tired of it. I want to travel. I want to go to the grocery store without always putting stuff back before I go to check out. I want to stroll through World Market, picking what I want without having remorse for spending too much money. I guess a lot of people are in this boat these days. Ho-hum . . . .

Stories about Love and Adoration

2009-02-13T06:08:00.000-08:00

When you begin to find love, Timi, in people and places where you haven't found it before, it's always because you've grown.

You so rock,
The Universe

Hmmm, I was just commenting to Judith who writes the blog Vicarious Rising yesterday that it is difficult when your mentors are no longer your mentors. It is weird to not have people in my life that I think, “I want to be like that person when I grow up.” Maybe I have grown up? I also wrote in my last post that I was falling in love with my new friends. Then this message was in my email box this morning.

I found one of my old mentors on Facebook this week. She was someone I knew from meetings and someone who instructed a couple of classes I took at UCLA. I looked at her friends list and Bill Wilson was on it. Imagine that music when someone loses on the Price is Right . . . . wuh, wuh, wuh, wuuuuh!

Another weird thing has happened. You know how people become really beautiful to you when you admire/like them? I was looking at a person I used to admire very much this week and I also used to think she was exquisitely beautiful. The more I got to know her, the less I admired her. In fact, I think I want to be the least like her that I can possibly be. As I was looking at her, I did not think she was the slightest bit attractive. It kind of blew my mind how unattractive I thought she was. Just more stories I had made up about how magical someone was.

I have therapy this afternoon. I am really looking forward to it. I have a couple of recurring dreams that I want to get analyzed and we are going to go over my MMPI scores. This evening I have my Valentine “date”. A good friend of mine and I are going to the best Thai restaurant in town and then we are going to see The Vagina Monologues. It will likely be a lovely feminist evening.

I have to say here, that feminism is not the “F” word. I had a friend tell me the other day that he did not consider himself a feminist. I said to him, “Well, you are a feminist.” He just looked kind of puzzled at me because I am not the kind of person to tell people who they, what they believe in, or what they feel. I said, “You believe in equal rights for women, don’t you?” He nodded yes. I said, “Well, that’s all it means to be a feminist. Everything that society attaches to it is not actually what feminism is.” People think that feminism is some screaming, pissed off woman. That woman has a right to be pissed off, but that is not what feminism is. If you think it is, please look it up. I know lots of feminists who are not screaming about it; although, I do commend the ones who do. In fact, I am going to dinner with one tonight, and I love, love, love her passion. What better person to celebrate Valentines Day with?

Happy Valentines Day Everyone! Here’s wishing you a day filled with people and things you love!

Getting to Know Me

2009-02-10T06:00:00.000-08:00

It snowed like crazy here the last two days. I think we got about a foot and a half of snow. I took the bus from where I work to my classes yesterday so I would not have to drive in it. My ride to class was smooth and quick. My ride home . . . no so much. The university closed at 3:00 p.m. because of the snow. I waited for the bus in said snow for 45 minutes. Then one of the women who was also waiting said that she called the Mountain Bus Line and that our route bus had broken down and there was no way to know when it would be fixed. I walked the two miles back to my car. I looked a little like Frosty the Snowman by the time I got there. I have to admit, it was kind of fun. It would have been a lot more fun without the heavy book bag and being in my work clothes. I had a fabulous grilled cheese sandwich and hot tomato soup when I finally got home. It was a fun adventure with a happy ending.

I know I am a little weird because I was kind of bummed to miss my evening class. We took the MMPI-2 a few weeks ago for this class and we are scoring them in great detail. For those who do not know the MMPI-2 is the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory. It is the most widely used assessment tool in diagnosing mental illness. The test is not perfect, by any means, but it is better than most.

I am a psychology geek, for sure, but it has been so much fun to sit with my classmates week after week, scoring our neuroses. I sit in a row of 4 and the 3 other individuals I consider to be friends. I adore each of these people. We have been having such good laughs with each other about the areas that we have scored high in. I scored remarkably high in paranoia. This happens to be the most unreliable scale, but still. I talked with my therapist about it for a few moments. He and I laughed, and then he said it was not surprising that I scored high on that scale with the things I am currently going through. I laughed and said, “You mean just because I am paranoid, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t talking about me?” He laughed heartily, and said, "Exactly." As you can see, the test is providing much entertainment for me and those around me.

My entire row scored high in psychotic deviance. One of my classmates is a Marine Vet. He scored high in schizophrenia as well. He seemed very concerned about it. I laughed and said, “I totally expect that from someone who has been trained to kill. Friend, you are not schizophrenic.” Something that I found significant was that my score in depression was the lowest score I had. It was even lower than introversion. Now, I do not believe myself to be a depressed person, but I have experienced a good deal of sadness over the last few years from trying to figure out where I belong . . . and from discovering where I do not belong. As I said previously, it is not a perfect test.

I have been having a lot of "those" moments lately. You know, the moments that are so moving that you cannot put words to them. I am realizing that beautiful bonds are building with the new people I have invited into my life. I am realizing that I have fallen in love with some of my new friends. Their “warts” are becoming inconsequential and I am more appreciative of their beauty. I find myself awestruck by moments I have with them, even just the laughter with the MMPI scoring and how amazing it is that these friends are willing to share those very personal scores with each other. We are definitely the loudest group in that class, laughing and squealing with delight in our sharing.

Falling in love with people is pretty scary for me sometimes. I have a habit of making up stories about why that is. The usual story is that I am afraid they will leave. I think the truth is that I am afraid I will leave. My relationship history is that they have a lifespan of about 3 years. I have a few friends that I have been close to for 10+ years, but they are very few, and I am not sure how close we actually are. I tend to outgrow people and situations. I know some people can live in the same place for 20 years without ever changing the décor. Some people can stay in the same job for 20 years or more. This is not me. When things stay the same, I become bored. I feel unchallenged, stagnate. AA was the longest I did anything, but now here I am.

I need new things to challenge my mind. I need to expand, to grow beyond what currently is. For me, that is usually with everything. My last two therapists have seen that in me and not felt it was cause for alarm. My current therapist told me that he saw in me a need to be a big as I could be and that I should stop feeling guilty about it. Many people have shammed me for talking about outgrowing things, as if I should keep it to myself or as if I am delusional because I believe I have outgrown things.

PJ has been telling me lately how much she admires me for how deliberately I do things. The funny thing is that I think I do things so deliberately to steady my steps. I take a step and declare, “This is where I am now! Where I was no longer makes sense to me!” and wait for someone to challenge it, to show me where I am wrong. If I do not receive push-back that is logical, I take another, very deliberate step. I do not do things willy-nilly. So, if you are going to argue with me, you better have a sound argument. I know a lot of people call that stubborn. Isn't it interesting how people call you stubborn when you do not agree with them? Also interesting is that my first time through school, I wanted to be a lawyer. Hahaha! I guess I really just wanted to argue.

This has been a profound time of getting to know myself.

The Times, They are a Changin'

2009-02-06T05:57:00.000-08:00

Come senators, congressmen
Please heed the call
Don't stand in the doorway
Don't block up the hall
For he that gets hurt
Will be he who has stalled
There's a battle outside
And it is ragin'.
It'll soon shake your windows
And rattle your walls
For the times they are a-changin'.

And that’s really all I need to say about that.

Times are changing, in so many ways. I am going to go less global and talk more personal.

It has been an extreme time of change for me. I have always been the kind of person that realizes that something needs to change and then I gradually come into an understanding that everything has to change. This was how I got sober, exactly. I had attempted to get sober prior to my current sobriety date and changed a thing or two (not much), but was never successful. On June 10, 1994, I sat by myself in my tiny apartment thinking, “Wow, something has to change.” I sat alone with that thought for a while. I sat remembering my botched attempts to maintain sobriety, and contemplated the reasons for my failure.

The reasons became clear to me. I had changed very little about my life in my past attempts. It’s that old cliché, “Keep on doing what you are doing and you will keep on getting what you are getting.” Before I ever heard that cliché, I was starting to understand it there in my first day of sobriety. Hours after that first thought that something had to change, I acquiesced to reality, “Everything has to change.”

Whenever I have been successful at making the changes that I wish to see in my life, I have started by knocking a few things off the table. I stand and stare at the beautiful table that I once feasted at and accept that it no longer serves me. It is barren, aside from a few treasures that are still laid out. I have taken those treasures with me and am finding new abundance to feed my soul. After that, I do as I have always done and take the corners of that tablecloth and whip everything up off the table so I can start again. Big changes require big changes. Pretty commonsensical, I think.

I'm the Boss of Me. I Am.

2009-02-04T06:33:00.000-08:00

Don’t let them push your buttons. The one trying to get you angry wants to control you. If you meet a negative approach positively, you are not letting the climate get out of your hands . . .
--Gerald I. Nierenberg

This quote really hit me. When I let someone piss me off, they are controlling me. I hate that, but it is true. I wrote a little while ago about how we manipulate each other. I feel confident that we are not even conscious that we are doing it many times. I work with one woman who regulary irritates other people, yet she remains calm and composed while she does it. She is a master at manipulating people to react in such a way that makes them look hot-headed instead of her. Wow, I really want to stop falling prey to that scenario.

I have also found that others control me in this same way. They do something that is completely insulting and I take the bait and then I look irrational. It’s time for me to stop opening that door. Again, I do not believe that these others are conscious of what they are doing, but I do believe it is subconsciously intentional. It serves a purpose; it allows them to confirm their beliefs about what happens to people like me who stray from the pack.

I am grateful for this understanding. It shows me another area in which I need to work on my self-responsibility and self-regulating. I am not responsible for the way other people treat me, but I am responsible for how I respond to them. They can be childish and boorish, but I do not have to respond in kind. I can be a grown-up in all situations if I am willing to do the work.

Facing Demons

2009-02-02T19:42:00.000-08:00

This was a weekend of much social activity. I had a good time with all of this socializing, but I think I may have written about this before. I typically have emotional hangovers after socializing with a group of people. I do much better with smaller, more intimate settings. When I was drinking, I was the queen of superficial conversations. In fact, I did not like to get very deep because I always felt stupid because I did not have the experience or words for any deep thoughts. I drank any philosophy or emotional intelligence away.

Not long into sobriety, I found that it was much easier to talk about my emotional experiences and the longer I stay sober, the more articulate I get about describing what is happening in my internal world. Now, I find it pretty uncomfortable to have superficial conversations. It feels something like running in place: it’s a good exercise, but I am really not getting anywhere.

What lead to the emotional hangover was an internal conflict. Whenever I am with people I care for and admire, I want them to like me. I know that a lot of spiritual disciplines propose that we should not care much about what others think of us. I agree that this should not be all-consuming or cause us to be inauthentic, but I also think that, as social beings, we are wired to care what others think about us. I also think that to be completely unconcerned about what others think of us is anti-social.

The conflict arises from an equally strong desire to be authentic. I seem to unconsciously monitor myself in social settings. I do not want to behave in a way that is inauthentic in order to get someone to like me. However, I find that I do not speak up when I disagree with others who are important to me in social settings. Do I think that I have to speak up every time I disagree with someone? Absolutely not, but I do not want to pretend that I agree with them just to make nice.

I had a perfect mirror of myself this weekend when I watched one of my friends shut down when another person in the group was saying things that they disagreed with. I sat there watching them intently as they completely withdrew from the conversation and stared blankly into space. I identified with that. For a moment, it felt like I was in a separate world with this other person and the others’ voices were fading away. I realized that I was watching myself. Rather than speak up about something being offensive, the person just acted like they were not paying attention. Damn! I found it offensive too and said nothing. I was too absorbed in watching myself in another person. I am not beating myself up for this. It is just an observation.

I have also mentioned that I am not most uncomfortable with people I dislike; rather it is the people who trigger something within me that makes me dislike myself. I have terrible emotional hangovers after these interactions. As I mulled over the situation the next day, I became more and more uncomfortable. Then I reflected on how uncomfortable I was. I really wished to feel different; but I resisted the urge to take any action that would distract me from the feelings I was having. I stayed with the discomfort and eventually it came to me that I was not a sick person who was incapable of enduring emotional discomfort and that if I stayed with it long enough, it would pass. You know what? Upon having that realization, the discomfort passed. With each new day, I am finding that we are stronger than we think or than we have been lead to believe.

First iPod

2009-01-31T17:58:00.000-08:00

I have been looking at the iPod nano for a little while now. I was at the gym today, thinking about how sick I was getting of their cycle of music on the headset. I thought, “I will just go get that iPod."

I made a few phone calls, trying to get someone to talk me out of buying it. I live on a pretty fixed income and $150 is hard to spend. Two people did not answer their phones and the two who did could not talk me into or out of it. I bought the iPod.

It is a blast. I love having it, but damn! I am always so afraid of running out of money that it takes the fun out of any big expenditure. It just makes me feel funky. I am going to bowl with some friends tonight and I cannot seem to shake off the fact that I spent $150 unnecessarily today. Sad. I wonder if I will end up returning it.

Crossing the Bridge

2009-01-29T06:06:00.000-08:00

We are misguided if we conclude that “false claims are harmless, everyone makes them.” We will often be hoodwinked if we accept and believe whatever we are told, by whatever authority, without critique. We are dangerously deceived if we allow someone (or some group, or institution) to think for us, to make decisions for us. –Mary Pipher

I came across these words yesterday in a meditation book I use. The meditation was on “Clarity of Intention”.

Even though I think I am being clear in my writing, often times it does not translate to others. I understand that this is because even as objective as we all wish to be; we cannot fully break free from our subjective realities. I can wish with all my might that people will understand me, but only a few truly will who stand in close proximity to my own subjective reality.

This can be pretty frustrating; especially with the people we love the most. To steal a metaphor from Melody Beattie, it’s as if there is a bridge between me and some of my loved ones. I cannot drag them across this bridge and they cannot drag me back. My truth is on one side of the bridge and their’s on the other. There is a dark cloud hovering over the bridge and therefore, my side of the bridge looks dark and scary to them. But I had to cross that bridge, and just because others cannot see the light and warmth that I am now standing in, it does not mean that my side of the bridge is desolate.

My time came to cross this bridge. It is where my journey has led me. I do not have to go back over the bridge in order to be with people who are not yet ready to cross. Some never will. I also do not have to apologize for talking about how it feels to recognize blinders I lived with on the other side. I do not have to be quiet about how much I did not see on the other side of the bridge.

Whether others can see it or not, I am standing in a new light that is warmer and brighter than what I have experienced to date. My goal is not to achieve “happiness”. It is to accept all that life is without having to “fix” it. Frankly, I am kind of sick of hearing myself say that, but some people are not grasping that the dark places have an equal value. If I am trying to achieve anything, it is balance; and from my subjective reality, trying to achieve only happiness or serenity if off-balance.

Today, I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing. I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that. I will not feel guilty, I will not feel ashamed. I know that where I am now is a better place and where I’m meant to be. –Melody Beattie

Can't Touch This

2009-01-27T06:58:00.000-08:00

Please forgive the plagiary from MC Hammer. PJ and I had a very energetic conversation on Sunday morning about things that have been happening in our lives since we had the ceremony. I will not write about her experiences here because they are hers to share, but I hope she will share some of her experiences here. They are beautiful.

For me, there has been so much happening. One of the first things that I recognized happened while I was on Facebook, searching through some of the groups available. I found this one group called, “I Left AA and Didn’t Die!!!” As I read the remarks posted by the host, she/he seemed very irate and unreasonable. I thought, “Wow, its people like this who fuel the AAer’s smack talk about people who do not go to meetings."

After I reviewed that group, I realized that there have been times when I have been infuriated in my process of differentiating from AA. In my defense, many AAers goad us into acting hostile or defensive with smug looks, condescending remarks, and the repetitive questioning of how we are doing. For example, I was having lunch at a restaurant a few days ago, when in walked a group of program ladies. A few of them waved at me, so I went over to their table. Several of them said things like, “Wow, we have not seen you around. How are you doing?” I told them I was doing well and shared with them that I would be completing my coursework for my Masters in a year. They did not even feign interest in my success. Then the question came again, “How are you, Timi?” I said, “Really, I’m good. I have never been better.” They all shot looks around the table and then one of them dismissed me with, “Thanks for stopping by our table, Timi.”

Is it any wonder that people who leave AA get irate and/or defensive? PJ wrote this to me about the friend who gave me advice about spending time with someone I do not like, “What I am hearing is that the other person is not willing to consider a point of view outside of the aa approved litany and therefore sees the different point of view as defensive or not spiritual. It feels like a subtle example of indoctrination. It's a bit condescending with a smile and pat on the back. If I were in your shoes I would feel frustrated. You were making a deeper point about choices that was lost.” Yeah, condescending is very accurate about how I have been treated.

I spoke with two new friends about what it has been like for me, leaving AA. They are a lesbian couple who left the Mormon Church. They told me that their experience has been very similar to mine. There are the flat-out condemners, for sure. But there is also a group of people who will be very kind to you and tell you with much enthusiasm that they support you. We talked about how these folks are very transparent, and that there is no question that they go back to the group/congregation and participate in the “they are lost” conversations.

Back to my point about the Facebook group: Reading this person’s irate words, I realized that I do not feel like that anymore. In all honesty, I find the reproach of many AA members pretty childish and positively full of unrealistic fear. Maybe in my life’s work I will be the founder of that phobic classification. Throw out any suggestions for the name that you might have. I will be sure to credit you when it’s published in the DSM. Outgrowingaphobia? Wow, am I digressing here.

Through all of the twists and turns of this post, what I am trying to get at is that I am feeling more and more differentiated from AA every day. Just as my mother’s thoughtless words no longer feel like a smack in the face, neither do the opinions and/or assessments of the folks in AA. I used to be concerned that they must be right because there were so many of them doubting me and so few supporting me. No, no. They are all as indoctrinated as I once was. They are all devoted to the same creed. The Catholic Church is huge, but I am not anxious (never was) about our differing views.

I am starting to feel really free from that philosophy that was once helpful to me, but then began to hinder me from my potential (as all things we refuse to deviate from do). It feels really wonderful and I know I am better than okay. “Can’t touch this.”

In The Dark Places of Wisdom

2009-01-22T05:55:00.000-08:00

I received a book yesterday that I had ordered from Amazon. It is titled, In the Dark Places of Wisdom by Peter Kingsley. I know that some of you choose not to read what I have not written myself in my posts, but please indulge me with the intro in this book. Kingsley writes perfectly about this new awareness that I have been coming into. I could barely refrain from screaming, “YES! YES! YES!” when I read the intro:

"This book is neither fact nor fiction. It’s about something stranger than both; and compared to that, what we call facts are just a fiction.

It’s not what it seems, just as the things around us aren’t what they seem. If you read on you’ll see it’s all about deception—about the total deception of the world we live in and about what lies behind.

It might seem to be a story about things that happened a long time ago. But really it’s about ourselves. The details will probably be unfamiliar, very unfamiliar. And yet their significance reaches to the roots of our own being.

This unfamiliarity is important. Usually something is unfamiliar because it has no relation to us and we have no relation to it. But what’s most unfamiliar of all is what’s closest to us, and which we’ve forgotten. It’s like a limb that’s been anaesthetized or that’s been unused for a long, long time. When we start feeling it again it’s so strangely unfamiliar just because it’s such an essential part of us.

And that’s the purpose of this book: to awaken something we’ve forgotten, something we’ve been made to forget by the passing of time and by those who’ve misunderstood or—for reasons of their own—have wanted us to forget.

It could be said that this process of awakening is profoundly healing. It is. The only trouble with saying this is that we’ve come to have such a superficial idea of healing. For most of us, healing is what makes us comfortable and eases the pain. It’s what softens, protects us. And yet what we want to be healed of is often what will heal us if we can stand the discomfort and the pain.

We want healing from illness, but it’s through illness that we grow and are healed of our complacency. We’re afraid of loss, and yet it’s through what we lose that we’re able to find what nothing can take away from us. We run from sadness and depression. But if we really face our sadness we find it speaks with the voice of our deepest longing; and if we face it a little longer we find that it teaches us the way to attain what we long for.

And what is it that we long for? That’s what this story is about."

Booya! I can't wait to dive into this book!

God, Heroes & Heroines

2009-01-21T06:21:00.000-08:00

PJ and I went to another one of those discussions last Friday night. The topic of this one was Heroes and Heroines. One thing that came up was the pilot who landed the plane in the Hudson River and how the media had jumped all over it and dubbed the guy a hero. One young man commented that doing the right thing, the natural thing does not make one a hero. He used a metaphor of mountain biking. He said if you are going down a hill at about 25 MPH and your bike starts to tilt, you put your foot down to stop the fall and keep going at 25 MPH. He said that you will not even stop to think about it. He commented that there is no heroism in that, it is just the natural thing to do.

If this pilot had not been able to land this plane successfully, he also would have died. So, was he saving himself, or was he saving the other people? The answer to that question seems inconsequential, though. I think the point is that landing the plane safely was the natural thing to do. Anyone who had the skills would have done the same thing. Anyone. If this man is a hero, then aren’t we all?

The discussion came back around to the man who brought this subject up. He wanted to know why people have this need for heroes. PJ whispered to me, “Because everyone wants to believe that there is a ‘parent’ that is taking care of them.” She and I have had this discussion before. PJ was being polite by waiting her turn, but I was compelled to speak up. I repeated what PJ said and then said that it was the same thing as having a Santa Claus god who pulls all of the strings for you.

I have to talk about god here. I know that this is a very sensitive area for many. I recently upset a dear friend by talking to her about my beliefs. I have a much respected friend who believes in god, but once said to me that to believe that you could have a personal relationship with god was absurd. He said this as I was discussing my challenges with AA. PJ is an atheist and I am agnostic. We talk about this subject often. One thing that we both agree on is that many people believe in god because they are terrified to imagine a world where god (the parent) is not taking care of them, pulling the strings, and keeping them sober. This is another form of not taking responsibility for one’s self. It is another form of fear.

I guess what I am getting at here is that some people use god as a way to defer their self-responsibility and to alleviate their fears about taking control of their lives. Some people have heroes for the same reason. I am not saying that there is no god and that people who believe in one are delusional. I am also not saying that having mentors or people you dub heroes is silly. We all learn from others and mentors can be very valuable in that way. I suppose I am asking the question: What purpose do these gods and idols serve you? Do you defer your responsibilities, choice-making ability, courage, willingness to take action to some other entity or person because you do not believe in yourself or because you are afraid or possibly even lazy?

So many times I witness people refusing to make hard choices because they believe that god will make the choice for them, or give them a sign or direction. I also hear many people say that they know the difference between their will and god’s will because god’s will is easy. If there is a god and it has a will, I would have to say that those things are NOT easy: getting sober and quitting smoking were not easy. PJ wrote me about having a conversation with a friend who is struggling with taking a painful action for her good, “I told her about the lecture we went to; and how a hero is willing to go within their own wounds and confront the demons guarding the gate. I told her that if it feels scary, then it might be the right thing to do. And then I told her that it was her choice. Hell Timi, if it were an easy thing to do then it wouldn’t be so heroic would it? Makes me want to celebrate all the more when people are willing to go there.”

What purpose is your god and/or heroes serving for you?

Free At Last!

2009-01-20T06:07:00.000-08:00

There is so much that I want to write this morning. So, I apologize if this post is disjointed and the ideas do not connect.

I was just checking my email and Facebook account. Two members of AA who have moved away from Flagstaff requested to be my friend on Facebook. I do not intend to accept their requests. One woman, I never liked when she lived here. I never socialized with her and always thought she was odd. The other is a guy who I was relatively close to, but the more I got to know him, the more I realized just how serious his psychological problems were. Nah, I am not particularly interested in inviting them into even my cyber social circle. The less I have to “try” to explain my departure from AA, the better. No one really wants to hear the truth anyway, and quite frequently, they dismiss my reasoning as unreasonable. No, I can live without having to repeat that scenario.

This is challenging for me though. I do not like being rude to people, or dismissing them. However, I was talking with PJ yesterday afternoon and realized that if I do not keep being true to myself and letting what I do not want in my life fall away, I will keep getting what I have had. Seems painfully redundant to say, but I want something different. I do not want to keep getting pulled back into that circle. I don’t really want to know what they are all up to whenever I open my Facebook account. Plainly put, I do not want to be a part of that. I also realized yesterday that I have no vocabulary to speak with AA folks anymore. Whenever I am having a conversation with someone in AA, at some point in the interaction, I feel like the language beams me back to a former, less free-thinking self. It is really jolting. I literally have to shake it off.

A friend of mine divulged to me yesterday that she had an AA member ask her what in the hell I was thinking, talking about issues I had with AA in meetings. He questioned her many months ago. In hindsight, what in the hell was I thinking? Well, I was thinking that I might get some support from people who used to support me. Deviate from the AA party line though, and your support goes out the window. I guess I feel a bit more compassionate about this because I, myself, am feeling somewhat intolerant of people who do not share my lexis.

Of course, on this day, I want to write about Obama. I have been really surprised by some folks and their comments about him. I have had a number of people say to me that they wish people would quit talking about the fact that he is the first African American president. Really? I think people who do not recognize the magnitude of this historical event do not truly understand oppression. Some of the people who have made this comment to me do not even understand their own oppression.

Did I vote for Obama because he is African American? No. I voted for him because I believe he is a decent man who shares many of my ideals. However, this does not negate the fact that he is African American and it moves me beyond belief that the people of America have progressed beyond their ignorant prejudice. It is HUGE that the more open-minded people made the majority, that there has been this shift.

So many women do not even understand their own oppression. They do not understand how their oppression affects them. They do not understand oppression at all. The women I call friends all understand this and they all feel the awesome impact of Obama’s victory.

My brother, who I consider to be a feminist, said to me that he was surprised that a black man beat out a white woman. I asked him why, because black men were allowed to vote before women were. This is definitely a tender spot for me, as a woman who was objectified from the ripe old age of 5. Studying feminism gave me a voice to express the pain that had been stifled until I was 38 years old.

So, I believe that this day is a victory for all oppressed peoples. We, as Americans, have been oppressed by the Bush administration whether we know it or not. “Free at last, free at last! Thank god almighty, we are free at last!!!”

Life is Chaos

2009-01-17T12:55:00.000-08:00

I have learned a lot in the last week. I learned that I am still going to the hardware store, looking for milk. It seems that I have not given up hope that some of my friends from AA will see what I see. It just is not going to happen while they are still dedicated to the tenets of AA.

I saw my therapist yesterday. I cannot even begin to tell you how much gratitude I have for him and the ideas that flow between us. I was telling him how frustrated I was with a society that believes being peaceful or happy is an attainable or even desirable goal. The first words out of his mouth were, “Peaceful is so overrated.” Then he asked, “Is anyone really happy?” I told him that I experience moments of pure happiness. He agreed that we have moments of happiness. However, I also recognize that we do not get "happy" and stay there. I do not believe that that is how life works. Additionally, I find so much richness in unrest and grief. Then the constrast when happiness arrives is all the better.

I will try to get my therapist’s intention correct here, but I may fall short. He is a brilliant man. Essentially, he was telling me that people who try to sustain peace are kidding themselves. They are creating a façade that tells them that nothing matters and tranquility is sustainable. What I believe is that tranquility is death. Nothing that lives is tranquil. Anything that is growing and transitioning (which is life) is chaotic. My therapist and I agree that real courage involves accepting the chaos, the growing, the expansion. Sure, we can be peaceful while we grow, but we will not usually be peaceful if we are becoming bigger than we ever were. There’s too much untidiness and confusion involved in this kind of growth.

My therapist, with his doctorate in Mythology and Theology, told me a story about Hercules and Hera. Hercules accidentally shot Hera with one of his poisoned arrows. Because she was a goddess, it did not kill her. She had to live with this wound that waxed and waned. We all have this wound. The wound comes from being alive. It is the gateway to knowing our true selves. It was an opening that let Hera know her own darkness, her infernos (psychological hell). Instead of diminishing her, facing this darkness strengthened her. Being willing to sit with darkness is not something most people are willing to do. In my marginal understanding of Greek Mythology, it is the willingness to face all that is that makes one a hero, and it is cowardice to avoid any strife.

The loneliness that I feel is a wanting for other people to stand in this place with me where infernos is not something to evade or prevent, but something to embrace. I am inspired by people who are not avoiding the unpleasant aspects of life or constantly hammering at them to change them. There are people who look at the dark entryway of infernos, framed with gargoyles, monsters, demons, and everything we are afraid of and they walk through it, understanding that this is the path to knowing their true selves. It is a path that gives us an understanding that we can stand on our own two feet. We can face all that life is. We can have the audacity to truly live life on life’s terms and not make up stories about how tranquil it is or should be. Life is chaos. How could it honestly be anything else?

I want to share this poem with you that was shared with me yesterday. It hit me where I live.

In a Dark Time
--Theodore Roethke

In a dark time, the eye begins to see,
I meet my shadow in the deepening shade;
I hear my echo in the echoing wood—
A lord of nature weeping to a tree.
I live between the heron and the wren,
Beasts of the hill and serpents of the den.

What’s madness but nobility of soul
At odds with circumstances? The day’s on fire!
I know the purity of pure desire,
My shadow pinned against a sweating wall.
That place among the rocks—is it a cave,
Or winding path? The edge is what I have.

A steady storm of correspondence!
A night flowing with birds, a ragged moon,
And in broad day the midnight come again!
A man goes far to find out what he is—
Death of the self in a long, tearless night,
All natural shapes blazing unnatural light.

Dark, dark my light, and darker my desire.
My soul, like some heart-maddened summer fly,
Keeps buzzing at the sill. Which I is I?
A fallen man, I climb out of my fear.
The mind enters itself, and God the mind,
And one is One, free in the tearing wind.

Being Defensive

2009-01-15T05:34:00.000-08:00

Main Entry: 1de·fen·sive

Pronunciation: \di-ˈfen(t)-siv, ˈdē-ˌ\

Function: adjective

Date: 14th century

1: serving to defend or protect

2 a: devoted to resisting or preventing aggression or attack b: of or relating to the attempt to keep an opponent from scoring in a game or contest

3 a: valuable in defensive play b: designed to keep an opponent from being the highest bidder

What constitutes being defensive? In the past, when someone has called me defensive, I have just assumed I was being defensive and apologized. I think my perspective changed on what is defensive this morning.

I sent out an email to many of my friends yesterday asking for some guidance on a tough choice I had to make. The dilemma happened to be about making a choice to spend time with a handful of people. Three of them I do like, and the other, well, not so much. I have a really hard time spending time with people I do not like. One person told me I should do the thing I did not want to do, that it was the spiritual road to take.

Not only did this advice-giving person suggest that I would be more spiritual by choosing to spend time with someone I do not like, he also suggested that “resentment was a dubious luxury I could not afford.” In addition to my disagreement with that idea, I do not harbor a resentment against the person in question. I simply do not like her. However, I have a resentment against the guy who’s quoting AA to me. Ha! Not really, it is somewhat astonishing how programmed he is though.

What really got to me was that when I wrote back to him and rationally explained that I disagreed with him, he said that he found it amusing that I was seeking guidance and then got defensive when he gave it to me. What? Was I really being defensive by explaining to him that I disagreed with his perspective? I do not think I was even defending my opinion, I was just expressing it. I did not tear his perspective apart. I only disagreed with it.

It dawned on me what an unconscious manipulation it is to tell someone they are being defensive, and how often this has been used against me over the past few years. I cannot tell you how many times someone has expressed their opinion to me and when I have disagreed, they call me defensive. If you look closely at it, doesn’t the defensive move belong to them? The fact that they get upset when I express a differing opinion is defensive, isn’t it? So, why is it that I am the one who is always being labeled defensive?

I did write back to my advice-giving friend this morning and told him that I thought he was being defensive. I told him that I never said he was wrong, that I only disagreed with him. Wow! It is so amazing how many head-trips we put on each other without even realizing we are doing it. I want to become more aware of this kind of behavior. I do not want to be so easily manipulated into doing what others want me to do. That being said, it is precisely why I do not like this person that I have agreed to spend time with. She is one of the more unconsciously manipulative people I know. I feel constantly on-guard whenever I am with her. It is exhausting.

On another note, I got this from “The Universe” today and it absolutely delighted me. I am irritated when people say nothing matters.

See through the fog that tells others nothing matters, nothing is happening, and it does no good. They realize not, Timi, that every second of history... was optional.

Burning down the house,

The Universe

Rite of Passage

2009-01-12T05:32:00.000-08:00

Yesterday morning, PJ and I had our rite of passage ritual at her home in Sedona. When I got there, she had laid out a beautiful cloth on her table. On the table was her Big Book with a leather cover that she had carved the responsibility statement on. She had placed a hand made gift a friend had given her with the AA emblem in it there too. I placed all of the medallions I had acquired (including those first 9 months) in the center of the table as well. There was also a ceremonial candle in the center of the table. In each of the four directions, she had placed a candle. Next to each of the four directions, she had symbols for the four elements. Next to the north candle, she had a piece of clay (I think) to represent earth. Next to the east candle, she had something that looked like a butterfly to represent air. Next to the south candle, she had another candle to represent fire. And next to the west candle, she had a small bowl of water. North also represents winter, east represents spring, south represents summer, and west represents autumn.

Before we started, we talked about how appropriate the day was for the ritual. In the winter, everything may appear dead, but there is much growth below the surface even if we cannot see it. There is new life waiting to break through. It was also the first day of the new moon cycle. Additionally, it was only the 11th day of this new year. It was perfect.

Lighting the east/air/spring candle, we talked about how good AA was for us when we needed it. We talked about how we both needed to learn how to live differently and how AA taught us to do that. Lighting the south/fire/summer candle, we talked about how active we both had been in AA during those early years and how much service work we had done. We also laughed about what zealots we once were and how we used to ridicule others the way we are being ridiculed by many AAers today. We lit the west/water/autumn candle and talked about the onset of our questioning and the realization that there is life beyond AA. We talked about how AA stopped working for us and how AA has become just another religion. Both of us agreed that AA did not welcome our questioning and did not have answers for our questions. PJ and I both stated that what we want to bring into our lives is a group of people who welcome the questioning and do not become defensive because of it.

We lit the north/earth/winter candle. In this part of the ceremony we talked about what we wanted to achieve by having a ritual. We talked about ways that we felt being a member of the AA society had held us back. We talked about how AA reduces one’s self-esteem by essentially telling you that you can do anything, as long as you are in AA; but without it, you are helpless (religion). There were many other ways that I will not get into here. PJ and I both want stop being defensive with members of AA, no matter how smug their questioning may be. When questions like, “Why aren’t you going to meetings?” arise, we want to state simply and directly, “Because I don’t want to.” We want to be rid of guilt and/or shame because we are no longer a part of that culture.

We agreed that we want to move forward into this new phase with courage and hope that our lives can be all that we have dreamed of. PJ wants to pursue her art more actively. I want to pursue relationships that are actually appropriate for me. I got sucked into the group think that we are all just sick alcoholics and that the people in AA were the best I could hope for. I no longer believe that, but it is going to take courage to pursue healthier people. I hope PJ will chime in here and talk more about the things she hopes will come out of our rite of passage ritual.

After that, we went on a little hike with our dogs. We dug a hole, placed PJ’s handmade gift, and all of my medallions in it, said our thanks, and my dog helped us out by clawing the first dirt into the hole. We finished burying our symbols, placed our hands on Mother Earth and gave thanks to her as well.

The entire ceremony took about two hours to complete. I felt a sense of freedom as we walked back to PJ’s place. We went out for a celebratory lunch, and I drove home. I am anxious and hopeful to find what this will bring.

One Massage Down

2009-01-10T08:32:00.000-08:00

I had my first massage of the year yesterday. Aaaah, it was wonderful. I found this young masseuse here in Flagstaff and she gives the best massage I have ever had, hands down. I have been to many swanky, upscale spas in California and had fantastic massages there; but this woman is amazing. I felt safe with her right from the start. I am hopeful that at least 4 of the massages I get this year will be from her.

I like her, too, because she helps me understand some of the aches and pains I have. She did some work around my clavicle yesterday that seemed to open everything up for me. She told me the tension that is there comes from posture, and too much time at the computer. Here I sit. She suggested stretching my chest and neck backwards often while working on the computer, and of course, regular massages. I worked with a wealthy man once who used to have a massage every week. That is one benefit of being wealthy that I know I would enjoy. I can only imagine how much more relaxed my body would feel.

I love this healing complex that my therapist and his wife created. I have had therapy, massage, and attended a discussion there. I also have a coupon for two sessions of yoga, thai chi, core strengthening, meditation, or Feldenkrais classes at the center. I have not used it because I cannot decide which I want to do. I want to do all of it. I will probably do the meditation or yoga. This center truly does feel like a place that I get to go to rejuvenate, to heal from life’s daily stressors. I am so lucky to have such a space.

I feel pretty excited about my goals this year. I feel very strongly that I will be able to accomplish them. I feel motivated, which is something that I did not feel at all last year.

Closing the Blog?

2009-01-07T06:49:00.000-08:00

I am considering closing the blog down because I think it has served its purpose for me.

Another reason that I am considering quitting is because it never really turned into what I wanted it to turn into. I really hoped it would be an exchanging of ideas and that people would not just comment when they agreed with me. I hoped that it would help me grow and that if someone disagreed with me, they would say why. A number of people have said they sometimes disagree with me, but never say why. Of course, I am not inviting anyone to trash me or tell me how stupid I am; but I surely would have appreciated a difference of opinion from time to time. When I do not get that, it feels icky, like I am writing the blog to stroke my ego, which was never my intent (as I wrote in my very first post). I do like it when people agree with me. Who wouldn't? But if that's all people do, it feels really narcissistic to me and I have been running from narcissism in any form for the past two years.

Also, the blog is pretty intimate for me and there are some people reading it who I wish were not. Some people have passed along the web address to others that I feel really uncomfortable about knowing such intimate details about my life. Other people that I love get their feelings hurt about what I write. Maybe I just do not need to have a public journal anymore.

Lastly, maybe it's just time to do something else. Maybe I need to keep my most intimate thoughts to myself so people aren't judging what I am doing or where I am on my path.

I have not made any hard and fast decisions about it, but wow, I am pretty sick of the dust storm it has stirred up in some areas of my life. The whole thing has become a bit of a bore.

New Year Rituals

2009-01-04T07:46:00.000-08:00

I like to make goals at the beginning of each year. I like to ponder what I would like to see happen in the coming year. Melody Beattie says that it helps us to do our part, and that it is an affirmation that you’re interested in fully living life in the year to come.

I write my goals down in my journal and then revisit them throughout the year to check off things that I have accomplished or simply check my progress. When I started this ritual years ago, I made a promise to myself that I would not beat myself up for unaccomplished goals. I have been successful at this. Sometimes I just transfer the unaccomplished goals over to the next year and there were a number of those this year. Other times, I realize that I lost interest in some of the chosen goals and simply cross them off the list.

The only goals that were on my list from last year that I accomplished were: getting a job in the behavioral health field, which happened the second week of January; getting my debt under control; reading three empowering books; and I managed to get three of the six massages I wished to have. There was a woman that I wanted to build a stronger friendship with. I was doing that, but when I left meetings, that feel by the wayside.

This year, some of my goals are:

* Be more direct with people—stop using email for hard conversations
* Summit San Jacinto with Emily
* Lose 30 pounds
* Have 6 massages during the course of the year
* Spend more time with PJ
* Take the GRE
* Apply to at least 2 doctoral programs
* Go to the ADAA conference in March
* Submit a paper for the 2010 ADAA conference
* Start a book discussion group that meets monthly

Again, these are some of the goals I would like to accomplish, but I do not expect to accomplish them all. I only accomplished about 25% of what I wrote down last year and I am totally cool with that. Some of the goals for this year are ones that I did not accomplish last year.

There is something about doing this that empowers me. It makes me feel like I am actively engaged in the course of my path. It gives me a positive outlook about my future and what could happen. My goals are not only about work that I would like to do. They are about self-care and fun that I would like to have.

The ADAA conference is such an exciting opportunity for me to meet with peers and to get geeked about research opportunities. My goals are about living life more fully and steering myself toward things that enrich me as a person. Emily and I tried to summit San Jacinto once and there was too much snow on the trail to complete the trek. Ever since then, I have been determined to share that most amazing view with her. John Muir said that it was a sight not to be missed. He was right. To this day, with all of my other summits, this is still my favorite.

Molody Beattie writes:

“What would you like to have happen in your life this year? What would you like to do, to accomplish? What good would you like to attract into your life? What particular areas of growth would you like to have happen to you? What blocks or personality issues would you like resolve? Where would you like to go? What would you like to have happen in friendship and in love? What would you like to have happen in your family life? What decisions would you like to make? What would you like to happen in your career? What would you like to see happen inside and around you? Write it all down. The new year stands before us, like a chapter in a book, waiting to be written. We can help write that story by setting goals.”

If you cannot do this without beating yourself for what you have not accomplished, please do not do it. This is supposed to be a joyful, empowering experience. It has worked that way for me. I love to do this and I only acknowledge the things I did accomplish. There is no solo domestic abuse involved. It’s a celebration of choosing my direction.

Another thing that I like to do is to select four days on my calendar that I will give myself a treat. Then I plan what those treats will be. This is so much fun to plan and to do. The anticipation just prior to these dates is delicious! I hope that you will do this too. We all deserve it.

The new year lies before us. It is up to us to decide the direction we will take. I want to bring growth and new experiences to my life. Because I am actively setting the course, it can all happen. Sending each of you love and light for the new year!

Did I Drink Last Night?

2009-01-01T06:25:00.000-08:00

No, but it sure feels like it. I had a few friends over last night to play some games. I was pretty tired before anyone arrived and had the PMS grouchies. I have one friend who I absolutely adore . . . when she’s not drunk. She was drunk last night, of course. She gets really loud, really opinionated, pretty crude, and becomes a stereo-typical drunk. As most of my other guests were wrapping up the evening, she was trying to figure out what she was going to do next. Why waste a good buzz, right?

It is amazing to me how intolerant I am of this kind of behavior. When she starts rambling on about pointless crap, I find myself making jabs at her and then I do not like myself for doing it. The thing is that a few of my other friends were having drinks, but none of them behave like she does. I feel comfortable with people who drink, but not people who get stupid or ugly drunk. My drunken friend reminds me of me when I was her age. Interestingly, she is the same age I was when I got sober.

Then I have another friend who planned her move today (light bulb coming on as I start this particular rant). I agreed to help her. Who plans a move on a holiday? The only people I can think of are those that are in domestic violence situations, “I will get the hell out of here while he is drunk and passed out.” I am becoming bored with my own complaining in this post. The light bulb is that this is my own codependence. I should have never agreed to help her. I have my own plans for today and I am responsible for my own obligatory guilt.

Obligatory guilt makes me feel really angry because of my family. Whenever my mom or my brother could not get me to do something that they wanted me to do, they would call me selfish. That is laughable because I have always wanted to be helpful. I still do. The problem is that when you are helpful, people tend to take advantage of that and make unreasonable demands on your time and energy. My therapist refers to these people as vampires. I have a friend who claims that we are all vampires from time to time. I disagree. Needing support from people does not make you a vampire. I think what makes a person a vampire is when they are seemingly in a constant state of distress, cannot self-regulate, and regularly ask too much of other people. I am not like that. I know other people who are not like that, even in their most despairing hours. So, not everyone is a vampire.

It is no wonder it was so easy for me to become so engaged with Alcoholics Anonymous. The obligatory guilt there and the telling me how selfish I was were much like what I experienced in my family. Maybe worse. If I do not help another, I will get drunk and DIE! Woah, there’s no brainwashing involved in that. Maybe that is a part of why I have rebelled so hard against AA. Repetition compulsion at it’s finest. I set boundaries with my family, telling them that I would not listen to them call me selfish anymore. I told them that I was more than willing to help them, but that I would not caretake for them.

These are my rantings for a New Year’s Day. I was really looking forward to this day, but I woke up dreading some of the things I have to take care of. I am going to do my best to shake all of the crap out of my head and get on with my beautiful, sober day. I have a lot of gratitude for the absence of a desire to drink on this day.

I Am Going to Live

2008-12-29T07:45:00.000-08:00

A few years ago, I started dating a guy who seemed relatively normal by all appearances. He had a job, an apartment, a car, and two young children whom he cared for most days of the week. He was kind of a free spirit, which had always been attractive to me. A few months after we started dating, his car died and he did not get it fixed, he stopped caring for his children because their mother was too difficult to deal with, he quit his job, and moved into a camper van. Woah. This is not what I bargained for. Still, there was something about minimalists that I had always found attractive. I was kind of curious where he was going with all of this.

The answer was and is, that he was going nowhere. But I was. I sought therapy a few months after our break-up because I just could not get over how I ended up with this guy and I was really shaken about our break-up. I did not know why. You see, I was glad to be rid of him; but there was something eating at me. My therapist told me that he broke my thinking. He did not explain what he meant by that and I pondered it for a good long time before I realized that I no longer found the free spirited, minimalist attractive. In fact, I found them kind of repulsive. So, here it was, this value that I had held for more than 30 years was destroyed. Debunked, if you will.

There was nothing romantic about not having work that is important to you. There is nothing romantic about living in a van down by the river. There is nothing romantic about not having running water or a toilet at your disposal (excuse the pun). There is nothing spiritual about abandoning your children so you could live free from conflict with their mother. It is all so selfish and absurd.

When I moved here from LA, I was forced to minimize. I was no longer making a decent living and the apartment that I could afford would not hold all of my “stuff”. A soup tureen was not a luxury that fit with my current situation. So many luxuries had to go by the wayside. It really was a buzz to find out what I could live without. I sold my second television and cancelled my cable. I let go of my gym membership. I could no longer commission paintings that I wanted, etc., etc. It was pretty damned cool to let go of things that were not necessary and find out what I was made of. The pendulum was swinging widely to the other side.

With this man I was dating, I became acquainted with other people who were minimalists. I got really wrapped up in their way of being. Some of these folks did not own a tv. “Ooo, how cool are they?” I thought. Today, my answer is: Not very cool. Honestly, it does not have anything to do with being cool. What I have found out recently is that I do not have an interest in being a minimalist. On the other hand, I do not want to be obscenely lavish either.

I wrote about what my Christmas dinner was like this year. Last year, I had Christmas with a couple who consider themselves minimalists. They served nut loaf, gravy, and broccoli, I think. There were no fancy linens, no fatty, sugary desserts, no delicate china plates, no candles on the table. It was delightful to spend the holiday with them, honestly. But on special occasions, I am a fancy linens, special china, candles in crystal candle sticks, exquisite foods that I do not eat on typical days, and (not-every-day) beauty, kind of girl. That is what I had this year and it was delightful.

The pendulum is beginning to settle for me. I am feeling more balanced with all of this than I ever have. Still, I do believe in radicalism, but with decorum. I think of some of my heroes: Gandhi, MLK, Jr., Susan B. Anthony, and Carl Rogers; and how some of the most important changes in this world came from radicals. But I also know that I could live with very little if I had to. I am not addicted to my stuff, but I do enjoy it.

My cable television will be reinstalled on Friday. I am considering buying a new, LCD television. I am enjoying going to movies again. I love my luxurious bed. I delight in a long, hot shower. On New Years Day, I am going to have an absolutely decadent dinner party. I am going to allow myself to enjoy some of the finer things in life when I have the opportunity to do so. I will no longer feel guilty or ashammed about these things. I am going to savor the satisfaction I find in pursuing work that has meaning. I am not going to set myself apart from others and I am going to get back in touch with reality. I am going to sweep up those broken pieces of my old and unrealistic values and throw them in the trash where they belong. I am going to live the life that I was given.

Storybook Christmas

2008-12-28T06:51:00.000-08:00

I made it through another set of holidays without family drama. My Christmas was really nice. I went to my friend, Lynn's, traditional Christmas Eve party. I brought homemade olive tapanade and a very pricey goat cheese on sesame crackers. Each year, her husband makes gumbo for the party and she makes oyster stew. There was much good food and good cheer. Everyone was festive and full of love. It was a happy, happy occasion, and I love when Lynn has a little buzz. She gives me spontaneous hugs that are so heart-warming. Lynn is one of my most favorite people. She is an awesome mother to her daughters and she is idealistic about fixing what is wrong in the world. Her husband is a sociologist and she has done much in the field of social work.

On Christmas day, I went to a Christmas buffet at the Little America Hotel with a friend. It was really fun to spend it with her because we laugh a lot together and had some moments at the buffet where we laughed to tears. The buffet at Little America was actually very storybook-like. Two of the ballroom walls are glass, ceiling to floor, and it was snowing big flakes. Watching these snow flakes gently and silently fall to the ground puts one in a very mellow mood. Little America also decorates their entire grounds with Christmas lights, so you could see all of the lights outside. There was a Christmas tree in each corner that was elegantly decorated with white lights and gold ribbons. There was a pianist playing soothing Christmas songs. The food was fabulous: prime rib, roast pork, Eggs Benedict, shrimp cocktail, crab legs!

Then my friend and I went to another co-worker's house and visited for a while. This was the only part that was somewhat awkward for me. We arrived right as his family was sitting down to dinner. The fact that I could not eat another thing made me feel like an intruder rather than a guest. For the first time of the day, I felt like a pathetic loner who had no loved ones to spend the holiday with. My coworker has a beautiful family and home and he was glad to see us. His family was inviting. I felt better after being there for a while, but could not get over the feeling of intrusion, especially when his family began to play games and he separated from them to spend time with us.

My friend and I came back to my place and exchanged gifts. She gave me some really fun things for our bi-weekly poker game at my place. We watched a couple of funny YouTube videos and she went home. I made myself a dreamy hot cup of European dark sipping chocolate, crawled into bed and listened to the wind howl as I drifted off to sleep.

It was a delightful couple of days and the most magical part about it was that I was not attached to how it was supposed to be. I think that the fact that I was open to it being whatever it would be made it one of the best holidays I have ever had. I feel content and grateful for my life.

Free Hugs

2008-12-26T10:17:00.000-08:00

Just because this makes me feel all warm and fuzzy:

Happy Holidays!

2008-12-24T05:25:00.000-08:00

It has been snowing like crazy here! I have been so inundated with snow and festivities that I have not had a chance to post anything.

PJ and her husband were supposed to come to my place for Christmas dinner. I was so delighted that I would get to spend the holiday with her, but alas, the snow will make it too dangerous for her travel to my house.

We rescheduled for New Years Day. I am so glad I will get to cook. I make Beef Wellington, and it has been about 3 years since I have been able to make it. I cannot wait to taste it with the decadent Béarnaise sauce and the chestnut confit that I make with it. Yum!

I may cook dinner for me and another friend. She may be stuck alone as well because her guest was coming up from Phoenix. The drive will probably be too dangerous for anyone to make. The good news is that I am really okay no matter what happens because I stopped placing so much importance on the holidays years ago. It is just another day. Sure, I enjoy the sentimental gatherings, but it is okay if it does not work out. I drank a lot around holidays not meeting my expectations. Silly, really.

I wanted to share with you all a holiday poem that one of my mentors wrote a number of years ago:

I should like to breathe into the heart of December this year,
To see what keeps her going.

Is it the light from the oil of the lamp of the Maccabeus
Lasting longer than any such light had a right to?

Or perhaps the brightness of the star assigned to
Lead the way to Bethlehem,
Lighter in the night than had been seen in a very long time?

Could it be the mists of the moonlit dance
Defining the depth of the winter solstice?

Or the recent richness of the first fruits
Celebrating Kwanzaa?

What is this month that leads us to bear
Extended darkness,
Searching for renewal
For hope
For light?

May we keep these roots of richness
In our own hearts
For this season
And this year, and for years to come

--Barbara Crofford

Happy Holidays my friends!

Los Angeles Looks a Lot Better in My Rear View Mirror

2008-12-17T06:49:00.000-08:00

I went for my annual holiday visit to Los Angeles this past weekend. I was excited to go and see some friends and share some traditions. As I drove south on I-15 and looked at the northeast facing side of the mountains I grew up with, I felt a sense of homeland and gratitude. Then I rounded those mountains which I could no longer see because of the smog, filth, concrete, and millions of cars that is Los Angeles. But wait; let’s not forget the part that my shitty attitude had in it.

The drive into Los Angeles was fraught with emotion for me. The last time I had gone there, I was still going to meetings even though I hated every minute of them. On this trip, I would visit with friends that there was still tension with because of my very vocal disengagement with AA. Because I have rejected the idea that all people are doing the best that they can, I realize that there were some people that I genuinely dislike and that I did not care to see them. Would I be called to be inauthentic if I did? When I have returned to visit over the past 4 years, I was going to visit my AA friends. I did not feel like I would have a place to go where I fit. There was this overall feeling that LA was no longer my home. This combined with leaving a social circle I had been in for 14 years left me feeling very alone, as if I had been chopped down and had no roots to sustain me.

Since I left AA and starting writing this blog, many people have pulled away from me. I have written much about this. Some people I was glad to see go, and others’ absence pained me deeply. My dearest friend in LA was one of the latter. I stayed with her during my visit. The morning I was leaving, we talked. It was a much needed talk. She called me out on how it felt to read my words. She said that it made her feel like I thought that everyone should think like me, and that anyone who had long-term sobriety was deluding themselves if they thought they were still getting something from AA. I have to own that. I am not so sure that I have not been saying that very thing.

In all honesty, I do believe that people get something from AA, but I do not believe that it is what they think it is. I will probably get into more trouble for saying this, but I think that AA offers a distraction from the realities of life. It makes us think about something else. I also know that this is necessary sometimes and that if we did not have such distractions, our heads might explode. Look at how successful the entertainment industry is, even in this recession. I think what all of my shouting has been about is that I (me, myself, I) do not want to have to rely so heavily on distraction anymore. I do not want people in my life to always be suggesting that I look at something/someone else (including god) rather than addressing what is disturbing to me. I want to face my troubles head on without throwing so many detours in the mix.

Again, I am well aware that sometimes we need to take a break from our reality, and especially when we are in early sobriety and just getting our sea legs. But I do not feel wobbly anymore. I do not feel like I am in jeopardy every time a problem arises. I do not feel like life, and all its tragedies or victories, is going to make me take a drink. I love my unpolluted head. I love the way it feels to experience everything without being emotionally numbed out.

I am just repeating what I have written before. I do not feel like AA is going to save me from a drink. I must save myself from a drink, if the idea ever returns. The last time I wanted a drink was after a 4-hour Stats exam. I needed a distraction from the pain in my head. I chose Ben & Jerry’s because I knew that there would be minimal repercussions for that. That is just the way my thought processes are today. I believe that I can regulate myself. I am rarely impulsive when I know there will be a negative consequence. Look at how damned long it took me to leave AA. I think I am still leaving it. Hahaha!

The discussion with my friend was good. I am truly sorry that I hurt her and that all of my “killing” AA has been offensive to her. I know I have been like a teenager that has to make their parents wrong about everything in order to differentiate. My friend pointed out that teenagers have to kill their parents, without actually killing them in order to be free and that she was beginning to understand that this is exactly what I have been doing. I do not actually want AA to die. It would be a tragedy if it did. What I want is to be differentiated from it. Just as the teenager with the parent, AA will always be a part of me, but I am becoming my own person without it.

Following up on my roots being cut, I understand that I am the one who cut the roots. I also understand that it is I who will have to plant myself somewhere else in order to grow new roots and get the sustenance I need. I am still seeking out my new garden.

As I drove out of Los Angeles, I could see the colorful trees and the pink rose bushes and the gorgeous mountains where I found my authentic self. The tension with my beloved friend had disappeared and Los Angeles looked pretty good to me in my rear view mirror.

Honest Scrap Award

2008-12-10T06:55:00.000-08:00

So, Vicarious Rising gave me an Honest Scrap Award. Thank you for thinking of me!

Here's the rules:

List 10 honest things about myself

Pass the award on to 7 bloggers (I really only read VR’s blog regularly, so I am just playing along).

10 random honest things about TimiBe:

1. I do not like ambrosia salad but still feel compelled to make it every Thanksgiving.
2. I procrastinate way too much when it comes to doing homework (that’s what I am doing right now).
3. I have never watched any Star Wars movie in its entirety. Yawn . . .
4. I rarely wear jewelry, but often buy earrings to go with a new outfit.
5. I love snowy cold weather.
6. I am a huge control freak when it comes to my kitchen. Don’t like people messing in it, and really do not enjoy “help” with cooking.
7. I tend to be enamored with people who do a lot of “good” things before I really know them; then usually find out it’s to compensate for their own neuroses. Doh!
8. I think Freud was a genius (aside from that psychosexual stuff).
9. I almost always have an emotional hangover after large social gatherings.
10. I have piles of things that I swear I am going to read one day—probably will never happen.

More Lessons in Psychology

2008-12-07T06:17:00.000-08:00

I am not sure if I have mentioned this before, but the psychological term that totally deflates me is repetition compulsion. In my last post, I wrote about grasping at the familiar. Repetition compulsion is a Freudian concept which I hate because I cannot deny the truth of it. One of my repetition compulsions has been taking care of the feelings of others (usually self-obsessed individuals) to the extent that my feelings are often overlooked. This definitely started with my family of origin and continues to this day into many, if not most, of my relationships. This is one of the reasons that the AA, "Forget yourself and work with another, " tenet did not serve me well. It reinforced this complusion.

I took this information from Wiki:

Repetition compulsion is a psychological phenomenon in which a person repeats an unpleasant or traumatic event or its circumstances over and over again. This includes reenacting the event or putting oneself in situations that have a high probability of the event occurring again. This "re-living" can also take the form of dreams, repeating the story of what happened, and even hallucination.

Freud believes there are two ways to relive your past: 1) through memories, or 2) through actions, the latter being the basis of repetition compulsion. There are several schools of thought on the cause of repetitive reliving of negative experiences, and many are specific to certain situations.

One idea is a passive form, in which one chooses his or her most familiar experiences consistently as a means to deal with problems of the past. For example, one may choose to stay with a "normal" pattern of pain and chaos instead of risking the perceived trauma of new experiences. Someone experiencing repetition compulsion might believe that new experiences will be more painful than their present situation or too new and untested to imagine.

Another is a participatory form, wherein a person actively engages in behavior that mimics an earlier stressor, either deliberately or unconsciously. In particular, this is often described by the statement that events that are terrifying in childhood become sources of attraction in adulthood. For instance, a person who was spanked as a child may incorporate this into their adult sexual practices. Another example is a victim of sexual abuse, who may attempt to seduce another person of authority in his or her life (such as their boss or therapist). Psychoanalysts describe this as an attempt at mastery of their feelings and experience, in the sense that they unconsciously want to go through the same situation but that it not result negatively as it did in the past. Wait, isn’t that the definition of insanity?

Franz Alexander, a Hungarian American psychoanalyst and physician, stated: The client, in order to be helped, must undergo a corrective emotional experience suitable to repair the traumatic influence of previous experiences.

Uh, how do I have this corrective emotional experience?

Sorry for the psychology lessons, but this stuff fascinates me, even when it also disturbs me. Hey, do you think my fascination with psychology could also be repetition compulsion? :-)

Things to ponder . . .

Paradoxical Theory of Change

2008-12-05T05:31:00.000-08:00

We covered this theory in my last class of the semester last night. The instructor for this class has been a wizard with cracking my mind open all semester long. This theory fascinates me because it forces me to question who I am, really. My friend, Brad, says that we cannot really know this because who we are changes from moment to moment. Therefore, just about the time we think we have it figured out, BOOM! We are someone else.

What I want to know is, in my trying to make my social circle full of great minds and emotionally balanced people, am I being inauthentic? Or is the inauthenticity that I am still spending time with people who are not emotionally balanced and who do not share my psychological perspective? To which group do I belong? How does one tell what the truth is? I do not know about all of this philosophical musing. All I know is that this theory struck me last night, profoundly.

Paradoxical Theory of Change: In what has now become a "classic" of Gestalt therapy literature, Arnold Beisser (1970) described Gestalt's paradoxical theory of change. The paradox is that the more one attempts to be who one is not, the more one remains the same (Yontef, 2005). Conversely, when people identify with their current experience, the conditions of wholeness and growth support change. Put another way, change comes about as a result of "full acceptance of what is, rather than a striving to be different" (Houston, 2003).

Is striving to have a different social circle the same thing as striving to be different? I do not know that I am striving to be different. I think I am different than I was a year ago, or even 6 months ago. It just feels to me like my surroundings have not changed with me. This is simply my perspective and I am well aware that it could be inaccurate. However, I do believe that I have not yet learned how to recognize the things I actually want in my life and that I keep grasping at what is familiar without any awareness at the time. It is only after the fact that I am jolted awake and think, "Damn it! I have done it again."

I asked my instructor what he thought about this theory. He said that in his practice, he has found this theory to be very accurate. Alas, the only way to get unstuck is to allow myself to be stuck. Only then will new doors open. I so do not operate that way. FIX IT! That is more my style. Timibe forever on the road to new awareness . . . .

Being Alive

2008-12-04T05:56:00.000-08:00

I went to see the film, Australia, last weekend. I am not a huge fan of movies because I can almost always tell you how it will play out within the first 15 minutes. There is nothing new coming out of Hollywood. Even so, I liked this movie. One aspect that I really enjoyed about the movie was (dare I say it) Hugh Jackman. Yes, I did a bit of objectifying. That man made me remember that I am a woman! Seems like I just woke up to him. I did not even know his name until during the movie, when I turned to my friend and asked, “Oh my gawd, who the hell is that!?!” We giggled like school girls at every romantic scene, even stole a line from the big book, “Now that’s a vision for you.” I tell you this dreadful little story so I can explain that I felt alive watching this man with his amazing physique on the big screen in front of me.

Also, this past weekend, I put Christmas lights up on my patio. It is a pagan pleasure as I am not Christian. I just think they look pretty. When I look at them in the darkness of the night, I fill up with childlike excitement. They bring back to me the same feeling I had as a child during the magical holiday season. I cannot explain why, but it makes me think of how limitless the possibilities are to experience joy. Neighbors probably think I am crazy as I stand out there and smile at my lights while my dog is doing his business.

I was in my last meeting of the class, Marriage & Family Counseling, last night. There is a really nice man in that class who is smart, handsome, funny, and let’s not forget about married. I found myself really checking him out last night. I started to notice that his physique is similar to Hugh Jackman’s. Woah. Like I said, he is a nice guy and regularly walks me to my car to make sure I get there safely at 9:30 p.m. Last night, as we were walking out, I noticed how tall he was, probably 6’2”. I started thinking, “Wow, I am really attracted to this guy.” I have no intentions here, just noticing the feeling of being alive. When we got to my car, he asked what my plans were for winter break and we exchanged what we were planning to do. Then he said, “We should get together and have a drink.” Now, that, my friends, would be a bad idea. Still, it was fun to be standing there, being innocently attracted to this man. Again, I was noticing the feelings and how good it felt to be alive.

Because I was out early from class and it was freezing cold out, I decided to stop at the grocery store and get some warm treat. I bought some cookie dough. As I stood there with my eyes dancing because of all of the varieties of cookie dough to choose from, I marveled at how rich life is. How delightful it was that I could have had this interaction with an attractive man and not be attached to some outcome, that I just got to enjoy the experience, and now, here I was selecting this yummy treat that was going to make me feel all warm and happy. I was smiling with my whole being. Then, the beauty of that is when I passed other people in the store, they could not help but smile back, which increased my joy exponentially.

It’s good to be alive.

Rituals and Ceremonies

2008-11-30T18:19:00.000-08:00

Anthropologists and theologists have written a great deal about the importance of rituals for signifying the successful passage from one era of life to the next. Rituals or ceremonies nurture our growth, making our rites of passage richer and more complete. Mainstream American culture often fails to appreciate the importance of the rites of passage that mark our transition from one life stage to another, but I am beginning to understand just how important these transition rituals are. I know so many people (myself included) who cannot seem to close certain chapters in their lives. I believe some sort of ceremony would be helpful. It has helped me in the past. All spiritual practices have rituals for rites of passage. If it is universal in all spirituality, I think there must be something to it.

When I was newly sober, I had a fichus tree that was dying. My ex-boyfriend had given it to me and I held onto it with the belief that if I could nurture it back to health, then I could nurture that relationship back to health. The tree was dead for nearly a year and I knew I had to let it go. I asked a friend to help me. We took the tree out to my dumpster and lit a candle. I said something to the effect that every ending was a new beginning. My friend said, “This is the first day of the rest of your life.” I shed a few tears and dumped the plant. Oddly enough, I did not look back at that relationship longingly after that. I felt free to start over.

So what rite of passage do I feel the need to have a ritual ceremony for? In the discussion I went to on Melancholy and Transition, it became apparent to me that I have not given my transition from AA life to life without it a due ritual. I think it may be why I keep trying to allegorically kill AA over and over. I believe it may be the reason why I do not feel any closure with AA. A number of people have told me that they see me as being done with it, but I do not feel done and I truly want to be.

I have discussed this with PJ, and I think we are going to have a ritual. PJ is experienced with this sort of thing. She said we needed to acknowledge how good AA was for us during the years it worked. We talked about experiencing the grief in the ritual. It is important that we include all of the elements in the ritual: Fire, water, earth, and air. I think fire will be the most important in this ritual as it is the only element that has the power of transformation. Water has cleaning power and cleanses the soul, and allows the feelings, sensations, and subconscious to emerge. Earth is also a cleaning power and represents material substance and comes in many colors and various compositions. I think PJ and I will use our chips/medallions for this part of our ritual. We might bury them. Air, being a cleaning power as well, blows away everything old, which is broken and stale, bringing purity and sweetness, physically and spiritually.

PJ and I agreed that the four directions should also be included in our ritual: North, east, south, and west. North symbolizes wisdom and thought. East symbolizes the future, new beginnings, and growth. South symbolizes energy, creativity, and purity. West symbolizes the psyche, emotions, healing, movement, and endings.

I am not sure when we will have this ritual. It will probably be on a hike in Sedona’s red rocks, and I hope it will happen before the new year. My heart is ready to release the heaviness and start anew. What better time to do this than at the end of one year and the beginning of a new one. The anticipation is sweet.

Loneliness

2008-11-28T07:14:00.000-08:00

I had a few friends over for dinner last night. It was a small group and was super easy-going. Even so, I felt a little sad because there was not anyone there who I was particularly close with. I felt a little lonely, longing for authentic connection . . . . [promptly dawns on her] but I feel like that a lot these days. The friends that I really do connect with had other plans for Thanksgiving.

I grew up in my brother’s shadow. My brother has some ridiculously high IQ, 155 or something like that. I followed him in school and it was dreadful when the teachers asked me, “You’re Greg’s sister? Really?” I was sure that my IQ was probably 85, maybe 90. I found out recently that it is 130. No one was more surprised than me. I struggled through my childhood schooling. People treated me like I was dumb, and I bought it. I played the part. I was the class clown, yucked it up to make up the difference. I always had an abundance of “friends”. Wind me up and watch me go. Only now do I see how inauthentic that was. Only now do I know that I am not dumb, that I was trying to cope with situations that no adult should have to face, let alone a child. My focus was not on school.

As a child and a young adult, I used to pray to be smart. I used to want to participate in intellectual conversations, but always clammed up because I just knew that people would find out how dumb I was. My brother never seemed to appreciate his intellect. In fact, he always seemed quite lonely. Hmmm. He made attempts to connect with people on superficial levels, but always remained quite lonely. I used to think how easy it was to have “friends,” and if he could just do what I did (be shallow and superficial), then he would have a host of “friends”.

Funny how holidays and a bit of emptiness can bring new things to light. I believe that a good part of my drinking and overall emotional condition was about being inauthentic. I was always trying to entertain other people so that they would like me. It is clear to me now that entertaining people, or agreeing with them (even when I do not), or participating in their hobbies or rituals just to be a part of does not make them genuinely like me. They like the mirror I provide because they are not, in fact, seeing me. They are seeing themselves. I invite you to look into your own lives and see where you might be doing this.

I used to do anything to fit in. I only have to look as far as my AA career to see this. I have to cut myself a little slack here by admitting that I did not see how inauthentic I was being at the time. I am coming to a somber understanding: I do not fit in a lot of places and I am not willing to inhibit my authentic self in order to have that false sense of being loved. I am smart and I do approach life from an intellectual perspective. Having an abundance of acquaintances that either only want me for entertainment, are fair weathered friends, or are not comfortable with me being an individual self will not take the loneliness away. In fact, I know that this makes the loneliness much more profound.

Melancholy and Transition, Part Deux

2008-11-24T08:02:00.000-08:00

VR mentioned in a comment on my post Melancholy and Transition that she wanted to hear more about this discussion because she did not get the “melancholy” part of hating change. One example the facilitators used was when a relationship ends and we did not want it to. I think the melancholy that the discussion facilitators were speaking of was being attached to something we consider a loss or changes that we did not seek or desire.

When our lives change drastically, it does take a while to become adjusted to this new way of being/living, even when the changes are for the better. Not having my family living close to me was actually a very good thing, but I felt sad and missed their presence for a long while after they left. Then when my mother decided to move back, I was depressed about that too. I am also very anxious to complete school, but know there will be some melancholy that accompanies that as well.

The facilitators also described detachment in a way that seemed reasonable to me. They said that we feel melancholy only when we attach to the loss. Most people do not allow themselves to simply feel the loss of whatever change has happened. One of the facilitators explained that if we would just accept the grief, let it move through us, possibly by having a ritual to acknowledge the change; that we would not attach ourselves to it and we could move on. It is when we will not accept what is and hold onto hope that it will be what it was before or what we want it to be that we experience melancholy.

They used the words that Jesus used, “Let the dead bury the dead,” to describe this phenomenon. If people are unwilling to accept the changes that have occurred or to accept what is, it is as if they are dead. Let the dead bury the dead because those who are alive and who accept what is will be engaged in living and moving forward. They are not focused on what has already passed or stuck in melancholy about the reality of what is. Acknowledge your grief in order to get over it, but then get on with it.

The facilitators discussed how we all attach stories to facts. Some of us make up stories that are healing and others make up stories that create melancholy. One talked about a client he had who came in and in every story he told him, he was the victim. He listened to him for a while, and then said, “I notice how you are the victim in every story you tell me.” He then asked his client if he could repeat the facts to him. They agreed on the actual events that took place. Then the counselor asked the client if he could tell him the story he created about the facts. The client agreed. He said that in every story he told, the client was the hero. It truly is all about our perception. We all make a lot of stories up. Stories are just that, stories; and many of them that we tell ourselves are not good for our well-being.

There was one book that they read from that moved me to tears with each verse. It is called, In the Dark Places of Wisdom, by Peter Kingsley. The other they mentioned when talking about the stories we make up, it is called, Healing Fiction, by James Hillman, who is a Post-Jungian. That one is of particular interest to me and PJ, and I think VR would also probably get much from it because of the novel she is writing.

This discussion was really good stuff. These things that we talked about are omnipresent in my life and it was so grand to connect with others on this topic.

Getting Our Needs Met

2008-11-23T09:17:00.000-08:00

A pivotal reason for my leaving AA was that I did not feel like I was finding any reciprocal relationships there. Whenever I had some problem that I needed to talk about, I would scroll through my mental rolodex and I would come up empty nearly every time. “No, that person does not accept this point of view.” “She will just tell me to go to a meeting.” “He will just tell me that I need to be of service to another.” “She’s going to make excuses for the offender’s behavior.”

The biggest obstacle I came up against in AA was that when I called someone to discuss something that was troubling me, I ended up attending to their needs instead. I realize that this is still happening in my life. When I have been running low and have sought a replenishing conversation of consideration and compassion, I generally end up completely empty. My world has been one big hardware store when what I am looking for is milk. Hammer it, fix it, or screw it. So where does one go to get milk?

I had a marvelous day of self-care on Friday. I started by buying my favorite cup of coffee from my favorite roaster, then I asked for extra help at the training I had organized, then I went to have, what turned out to be, the best massage of my life, dinner with PJ, and attended a discussion with like-minded people. It felt as if my gauge was leaning toward full. Then Saturday was a different day, a very different day.

Everyone has needs. That is certain. People have needs in varying degrees. I am seeking friendships where I do not feel like I am habitually attending to the other’s needs with little or no reciprocity. I am just plain exhausted from attending to the drama, trauma, and emotionality of other people; and when I do come up for air, no one is around to help me attend to my needs. This is what my professional life should look like, but in order to survive those lopsided relationships, my personal life must look different. I must have equal, nurturing relationships. So where do I go for some milk?

I was melting down this morning and was astonished at the difference from how full I felt one day to how zapped I was the next (No, I do not have bipolar disorder). It was early when I was melting down, and I frantically spun that mental rolodex to find some kind of support. The option that was flashing like a neon sign was PJ. I reluctantly dialed her number because it was pretty early. I was so happy when she answered the phone. Big surprise, PJ is in the same damned hardware store, but she had some milk to share with me.

One of the greatest gifts that PJ and I share with each other is that we do not try to fix each other. When I tell her what is going on with me, she simply acknowledges it and does not tell me to see it from another perspective. She never invalidates my experience by trying to get me to understand another’s experience. It is not that I am rejecting the other’s experience; it is that I need to not deny my own. The self-nurturing thing to do is to have my experience first without being pushed to repudiate my own feelings for the sake of someone else’s. I am not interesting in being “nice” to my own detriment.

PJ and I went to that discussion on Friday night and the dance in our eyes was much like that of young children viewing the gifts under the Christmas tree on Christmas morning. “Wow, is this all for us!?!” It was the cool drink of water on a hot summer day that we both needed. This morning, we talked about how it was similar to when we first came into AA and people were speaking of feelings and understandings that we had, but had no one to share them with. We talked about how everything has a beginning, a middle, and an end—that our experience with AA had reached its end.

PJ and I speculate that we are still making friends with similar people (outside of AA) because these are the kind of people that we are familiar with and we do not yet know how to recognize the kind of people we actually want to build friendships with. We talked about our excitement of entering this discussion group, which meets once a month and maybe finding new peers there. A few people there also described their loneliness and their desire to find like-minded people.

We talked about being empty. PJ and I agree that it is valuable to be empty. You learn a lot about yourself when you are empty. We talked about purposely emptying ourselves in order to make space for the new, something that fits with where we are on our journeys right now. Nonetheless, it is painful, sometimes excruciating, to be empty. It is quite lonely; but if you are lucky, you find a warm and renewing light (like PJ) just when you need it most.

Getting to the Bottom of It

2008-11-22T10:23:00.000-08:00

I had a conversation with my mother this morning that helped me to understand why I was so angry when that guy asked me out earlier this week. I knew that my rage was totally out of context for this event. In talking with my mom and trying to dissect my anger, we whittled away at it for some time. It came down to this: Because this man and I are so obviously not matched for each other, I felt objectified. I felt like a woman, any faceless, nameless woman, and not a person. I felt like the person I am was not given any consideration. Frankly and crudely, I felt like a hole.

Because of my wretched experiences with being objectified by men, whenever I feel like someone does not see me, the person, I get angry. I hate it when men I do not know ask me out. It’s so hollow. I do not want someone to approach me in a flirtatious way before they even know me. In this week’s scenario, the man knows me superficially, but not well enough to know he wants to date me. One would hope that he could tell from what he does know about me that we would not be able to talk about the things that are important to me. I am not looking to hook-up for the sake of hooking-up. Been there, done that, got the scars to prove it. Today, that is entirely too shallow for me. Once upon a time . . . but not today.

The discussion on Melancholy and Transition that PJ and I went to last night was right up my alley. It was ridiculously heady; filled with philosophy, fascinating psychology, and ideas that moved me to tears a couple of times. I will write more about it when I can wrap my head around what I want to say. For now, I am still reflecting on all that was said.

Melancholy and Transition

2008-11-21T06:57:00.000-08:00

PJ and I are going to a discussion on melancholy and transition tonight. From what I understand of the discussion, it is about the phenomenon of people desiring change who then become depressed when change actually occurs. When I first heard about the topic, I thought, “Not me, I love change,” and I do sometimes.

However, I have been observing myself this week and realizing that I do not necessarily get melancholy when change comes, I often get angry. I get angry when grief comes to visit again. Earlier this week, I posted about a guy who asked me out who was completely unbefitting me. I took the post down because I was just ranting and because I realized that, while I was angry about the inept way men make their dating selections, I was angrier about some grief that is coming into my life. Maybe that is not even accurate. Eh, it is my story. I am sticking to it.

The past two years of my life have been jammed packed with transitions. Recently, I have been thinking that maybe things were just about to settle in and I would be able to sit tight for a little while. I have been developing new friendships. I have a good job. I was accepted to the academic program I have been pursuing. I have nested in my new apartment. But no, I have more changes going on.

Here’s the irony: I am more than a little bit pissed to be going through more transition right now; but, I also think I actually want these changes. You know when something has been nagging at you for an extended period of time and you just have not been willing to do anything about it? You know when you can see that something just is not good for you and you keep doing it anyway? Yeah, I know we all can relate to this. Another funny thing about this is that it all relates to self-responsibility—something that I openly endorse at every opportunity. I am not liking it today. Alas, I will stand up and be responsible for myself because I want to be as self-loving as I can be, and this means not continuing to do things that are not good for me.

I walked with a young friend today. She feels really stuck and her idea for resolving that was to go out and do something radically thrilling, like learning to fly a helicopter. I was thinking, “Fixing. Distracting.” The more we talked; she started to come into awareness that she is stuck emotionally. She ended a terrible relationship over two years ago and never really seemed to recover from it. By the end of our conversation, she admitted that the radically thrilling thing she needed to do was seek counseling. I assured her that it would be radically thrilling if she stuck with it. Change for the better, not for the sake of temporarily changing how you feel. I felt hopeful for my friend this morning. And in that process, I felt hopeful for myself.

I will write about the discussion later. My melancholy is greatly diminished by the knowledge that I get to spend the evening with PJ! My life rocks!

Warning: Psychology Geek Unleashed

2008-11-16T08:15:00.000-08:00

I have to give props to Vicarious Rising for her post entitled Cognitive Dissonance with a Side of Sloth for the powerful read it is and for it being, in part, the inspiration for this post.

This has been a very powerful week for me. I know this will be a surprise for my readers, but I have been experiencing a great deal of rebellion. I have been experiencing it in my personal life, in my professional life, and in my academic life. Most of it is not troubling for me, as I find it especially necessary in my personal life. However, in my academic life, it is not serving me. I failed an exam in Tests & Measurements this past week. I think it’s boring and so I just did not study. Obviously, I have something to learn in that class.

I received the results of that exam this past Thursday at 4:00 p.m. At 7:00 p.m. I went to my Consultation class and was returned a paper I had turned in late because I could not get my mind around writing it. The instructor was so impressed with it that he gave me an A even with the tardiness of my submission. Damn, the polarity between the two classes! I seem to be in a mindset of only doing what I want to do. While this is not a really practical mindset for a student, there is good news in it. For the first time in my life, I am not hammering away at myself (very much) for being a fuck-up. I do not believe this to be true about myself. I understand that I am simply a bit burned out because I have been going to school for 6 years now, and am looking at the possibility of another 6 to go. Who would have ever thought that receiving an F would make me realize my progress? Grades do not indicate my worth or value as a person, or even as a counselor.

During the break in my Consultation class, I asked my instructor about the conference he had gone to in Tucson. He was lit up like a Christmas tree about the things he had learned. He told me that the conference topic was Advocacy. He told me about emerging research that supports the ability to develop parts of the brain which were retarded in development due to childhood abuse. It was fascinating information for me because my research interest involves such neurological deficits.

I expressed my interest in this emerging research to the instructor and told him how it related to my thesis. He was very excited about my idea. I told him that I really wanted to submit a paper on it at the Anxiety Disorders Association of America Conference in 2010. He was interested in helping me prepare for that submission. Wow. What a coup that would be for me. I cannot explain the variety of emotions I am experiencing behind this advancement in my academic/ professional career. This concept, this idea that has been incubating in my head for years now, may actually surface into some well laid out proposal. It feels a lot like when I decided to leave my meaningless career and go back to school. I remember sitting in class at Royce Hall on the UCLA campus thinking, “God damn girl, you are doing it! You are really doing it!” I do not know how to express how excited I am about this research, and to submit it to a professional conference? Oh . . . there are no words for what it feels like.

The instructor is also very excited about it. He sent me an email two days after our discussion asking me to forward what I already prepared on the thesis. Here is where fear creeps up for me. “He’s going to think it’s dumb,” I tell myself. I have not been able to coax myself into pushing that send button that has my work attached to it, but I will, and soon.

I saw my therapist on Friday. This was also inspiring for me. I wish I was as well-read as he is. He has a philosophical perspective and can pull out a quote for just about any situation. We talked about my rebellion and he thought my rebellion in school was likely due to the fact that I am ready to practice. He essentially told me that school was a formality for me. He gave me some fun tips to help me keep school interesting.

I told my therapist that what I really wanted at this point in my life was to not be making up stories about what is and what is not. When I told him I wanted to have both of my feet firmly planted in reality, he chuckled at me. Then he asked me if I believed I knew what reality was. I was sunk. Then he cited Nietzsche, which I will paraphrase: We make up stories about reality because if we did not we would die of truth.

Because of my studies in perception, I have to concede that I really have no idea what reality is. In the picture below, which line is longer: The line from point A to point C, or the line from point A to point B?

The answer surprised me. They are the same length. Our perceptions fail us in ways other than visual. This very fact tells me that my perception of reality may not be reality at all, and perhaps there is no reality. Maybe part of the trouble we human beings have is trying so desperately to define reality.

This is my life today. It is exactly what I want it to be. I am ruminating about the beauty of my own perceived reality. I only see it getting better and I am swimming in gratitude.

Little Tin God

2008-11-08T20:18:00.000-08:00

I went to see “W.” tonight. I was under the misconception that it would be a comedy. Man, it was not funny. As they went through the decision making processes of our fearless leader, I found myself in a great deal of emotional pain. I did not like the movie, but that does not mean a lot because I do not like many movies. Bush’s religiosity, as it was portrayed in this film, made me nauseous. It appeared, to me, that Bush used his religion as an excuse to do whatever he wanted. It was something like, “We prayed about it. It must be God’s will.”

People using god/spiritual practices for a means to their own ends seems to be showing up for me a lot lately. I have written much about how I had been looking to others for answers to life’s great questions, as if they had some direct line to a higher power or metaphysical knowledge. I have definitely had a knack for attracting people who thought they were some how more connected/knowledgeable than most. I was still trying to make someone else responsible for my spiritual/emotional growth. I have recently broken ties with people who enjoy having a following because I have come to see how dangerous that can be, and how inauthentic it is.

Music is so invaluable in my life. Many times I will hear a song and think, “Eureka! That’s it! That is exactly what I have been feeling.” There are a couple of Don Henley songs that have been playing over and over in my head, although I have not heard either of them recently. One is Little Tin God and the other is They’re Not Here, They’re Not Coming. Both of these songs talk about how we use idols to distract ourselves from reality or tapping into our own inner wisdom.

Throw down a rope from heaven

And lead the flock to water

The man in the middle would have you think

That you have no other choice

But to wander in the wilderness

Of all the upturned faces

If you stop and listen long enough

You will hear your own small voice

But you don’t have to pray to a little tin god

Step out of the way for a little tin god

You might fear the reaper, fear the rod

But you never have to get down on your knees

You don’t have to holler, please, please

Woah, I know that “man in the middle”! I stopped and listened long enough and indeed found my own voice.

To this garden we were given

And always took for granted

It's like my daddy told me,

“You just bloom where you're planted.”

Now you long to be delivered

From this world of pain and strife

But that's a sorry substitution for an spiritual life

People use so many things, including religion in order to not feel what what is normal and healthy to feel. It is pretty amazing to stand in this new awareness and see from a different perspective what I did for so long. I was always looking for someone, some entity, to tell me how to get “there”. This seems so ridiculous to me now, but I could not see it before. What I see now is that we are all at our personal “there” in this moment. Hopefully, we grow and arrive at a new “there” and the process continues. PJ was talking about the circularity of this process this morning. We talked about how we each were feeling like we have arrived; but we also both understand that we will continue to travel and have new arrivals throughout our lives. There is no “done”. There is no final destination. No person/guru/

spirit guide can show us to our next destination. It is our individual path to travel.

I feel so empowered these days. I feel free and strong and safe. No, you don’t have to pray to a little tin god, step out of the way for a little tin god. You don’t have to get down on your knees, no you never have to holler please, please. Life is unbelievably good.

What Hope Looks Like

2008-11-06T08:13:00.000-08:00

Praise Gawd for Vittory!

2008-11-04T22:10:00.000-08:00

I would like to thank Barack Obama and especially the people who believed in him. I have a great deal of hope tonight.

Compassion?

2008-11-01T11:44:00.000-07:00

I was talking with a friend earlier today. She was telling me about two friends she has that she is losing her patience with. These two women are in unhappy relationships. They talk with my friend often about their issues with the relationships, yet they are unwilling to leave the relationship or set boundaries within the relationship for fear of losing it. So, they continue in the relationships and continue to complain to their friends about how unhappy they are.

My friend was feeling somewhat uncompassionate for being sick of hearing about it and for losing patience with these two friends. We both agreed that we had been in that situation before and we had friends that were willing to listen to us. We also both agreed that people do it until they are done doing it, just as we had. However, I think we can all admit that we have become bored or disinterested in the same drama with friends who are unwilling to make necessary changes. My friend, Chris, told me that talking about our issues is good, but at some point the talking becomes a diversion from actually doing something about it. He said this to me when I was talk, talk, talking about why I hated going to AA meetings. It was the necessary push I needed to actually leave meetings. I appreciate friends who will help me (or force me) to actually look at what I am doing.

I have known so many people who have moaned and complained about the way things are and have not done a damned thing to change the situation. In the event that the situation resolves itself, they find a new source of contention and do nothing about that one either. I have had to set boundaries with people by saying, “You have used up all of your time to complain about that without taking any action to resolve it. I will not listen to it anymore.” It’s not popular and some people have actually walked away from me for saying things like that; but is it fair that I have to sit still with them while they sit on the same problem for months, for years? I have one “friend” in LA who I have known for 14 years and I been having the same conversation with him for all of those years. He has a different wife than he had when I first met him, but the complaints are exactly the same.

I know so many people do not like change, so they avoid it like the plague. It seems counter-intuitive to me. I mean really, ask yourself, “Do I want things to stay exactly the way they are right now?” Hell no. If we want something different, we have to do something different. Do I want to see the world from the same view? I am screwed if I do. I am the person in the classroom who likes to change seats so I can get a different vantage point. Maybe that is just a metaphor, but I want to stay open to change. I want to stay open to looking at everything from a different perspective. The possibilities are limitless . . . when we are willing to consider them.

What I am wondering is why does it make us uncompassionate if we do not want to keep listening to someone who is stuck on the same issue(s)? If we have already been there, done that, and moved on; how is it fair that we have to go through it again with someone else who is stuck? It is sort of like once you have made an amends to someone and they continue to throw the past up at you. After a reasonable amount of time they need to get over it and move on. If they cannot, they have to get out of my way because I am going to move on with or without them. In this case, the amends is to yourself. You have made the amends to yourself for that behavior. To sit compassionately with someone for unreasonable periods while they participate in situations you have outgrown, I think, is to prohibit your prerogative to not have that behavior in your life anymore. It’s like being with an alcoholic who is whining about all of their problems, but does not want to get sober. How long are any of us willing to do that? And, how helpful is that to the alcoholic?

Consequently, is our willingness to sit with a friend bemoaning a particular problem which has an obvious, but difficult, conclusion really compassion? Or is it codependence? If we have worked hard and diligently to make the amends to ourselves by discontinuing a behavior, are we really being true to ourselves by continuing to allow its infiltration into our lives? What is the difference between substance abuse and any other compulsive behavior that is detrimental to our loved ones’ well-being? I know a lot of people will say that our experience will help the other person. Does it really, if they are unwilling to change? And how long should we keep sharing our experience if the person believes their situation is different? Isn’t that called “beating a dead horse”?

So many questions . . .

Message from the Universe on Growth

2008-10-28T06:04:00.000-07:00

This was my message from the "Universe" today:

Do you know what happens the instant I become a brand new "someone," Timi?
You know, the moment I begin to play, grow, and become more than I was, within the jungles of time and space?

I feel alone, disconnected, like I'm missing something. Even though I'm none of those things.
And neither are you.

Rock on, loveable,
The Universe

What Was, No Longer Is

2008-10-27T07:09:00.000-07:00

It has been a weird few days for me. On Saturday, I went to Sedona to visit with a couple of friends who are visiting from LA. One I was really close to until I decided to leave meetings. Since then, our conversations seem to have narrowed to politics via email. It is awkward. The other is a woman who was my first sponsor. She and I have remained friends who only connect a few times a year via email. She is one that said to me that she knew people could leave AA and live happy and serene lives, but that I was angry. Oye.

I had expectations that the visit would be uncomfortable, but it really was not. It had been a long time since I had met with my old sponsor face to face and it was so nice to see her. There was actually more tension between the two of them than there was between me and either of them. They just have different ways of being. One of them tends to think people are slighting her and the other would not know it if someone was slighting her. One moves through life happily oblivious; and the other ready to fight for respect. Their dichotomous personalities were amusing to take in.

PJ was participating in an art show in Sedona this weekend. I wanted to go to support her and I did buy some of her art, but I also wanted to meet up with her so I could have a reality check if things were awkward with my visiting friends. There were many feelings I anticipated I would have. Unexpectedly, what I felt most was love. I felt love for these two kooky women who have been a part of my life for over 14 years now. My mind was flooded with memories of times shared with them. They are like family.

Something else that was making me feel nostalgic this weekend was the fact that Vicarious Rising celebrated her 3rd year anniversary of being sober. I spent some time remembering what it was like for me when I was 3 years sober. VR grew at the speed of light in comparison to me, but it took what it took for both of us. It is sometimes painful for me when I look at how long it took me to get some things—to see the things I see today. I just have to keep reminding myself that it served me well then.

Yesterday I spent some time going through the mounds of paper that are starting to take over my apartment. I moved into this apartment about 5 months ago and some paper stuff that had been stored has not been restored because I knew I could get rid of it. Included in this kindling pile were saved cards from 13 years of AA birthdays (no one gave me a card this year—I am a defector). I began to read some of them and started to cry.

This is something that I go through periodically as I continue to grow. I typically have 3 year cycles. Because I continue to work so hard on myself, most things only serve me for about 3 years. It feels awful when I outgrow people/situations because I have to leave so much behind. It feels terribly grandiose saying this, but this is my experience. As I looked through those cards, I remembered so many good times in AA and so many people who helped me through some of the hardest times in my life. I have an enormous amount of gratitude for them and how they were there for me.

However, I also have to be honest and say that I have changed. It has not been that way for a long time now. I have not experienced that reciprocity for about 3 years now. In fact, my last major upheaval was a break-up. Almost all of the “comforting” or input I got from program people seemed terribly bad and counter-intuitive. Since that awakening event, AA has felt like a desert to me; a desert where I had been searching for soothing water, but there is none to be found. I did get angry and frustrated. The place I had found answers from for so many years was no longer producing anything that was comprehensible for me.

Damn, this transition has been challenging for me! You see, on the one hand I am so thankful to AA and the people in it for all that I received (and gave back) there. I would not be where I am today without all of that. However, am I supposed to let my obligation hold me back? Keep me stagnant? Because I owe it to them? Does it make me an ingrate if I take the tools I have learned there and move on to something new so I can grow more? Should I sacrifice myself to save the next drunk that comes into the rooms when so many others are willing to do it? Who love it? No, I have to keep moving forward. I cannot stand still because of obligation. I have spent much of my life in unfulfilling friendships and family dynamics because I believed I owed it to them. How sick is that?

People and situations come into our lives to teach us. Sometimes we learn the lessons and then grow in different directions and go our separate ways. Sometimes one of us chooses not to travel with the other further down the road. People become comfortable where they are and that is alright, but it is not fair to expect others to stay in the same spot with them. Some people are called to do, experience, be more. Me, I have to keep moving to achieve the things I want in my life. What I really want is sound mental health and recovery of my authentic self. These goals are visceral . While I struggle with letting go of people and situations that are no longer helping me achieve these goals; eventually, I accept the pain of that loss and keep trudging, alone for a time.

The old cards went in the recycling bin yesterday. Holy shit, does it hurt to say goodbye.

It’s Not Because You’re Not Loved

2008-10-24T17:21:00.000-07:00

I had an entertaining conversation with a friend today about how we can get so caught up in the drama of our lives that we can forget that other people are doing the same. This friend happens to be having some health issues, which may or may not be serious. Time and tests will reveal that. She talked about having a melt down last night because she felt like she was all alone and no one really cared about her. She was laughing at herself today, but it is pretty amazing how we can forget that our loved ones have lives of their own and that their unavailability to us is not because they do not care. It is because they have a life. If we are healthy, well-balanced people with full lives; then hopefully, the people who share our lives are too.

I know I have had many times when I thought, “Hey, where the hell is everyone? I am in the middle of a crisis!” Oh yeah, they are out living their own lives. I also used to get sucked into the idea that if I just had a partner, then I would be fulfilled. There will always be someone there when I need them. Ahem . . . this is not so either. If we have healthy partners, they will also have active, full lives with aspects that we are not included in. Just because we are having some misfortune does not mean that their world will stop so they can be present for us. I would really appreciate my married/partnered readers speaking up on this subject. Is your partner always there for you when you need them? I bet not.

I think in my middle-age I have just realized that we are all really alone. Being married or partnered does not take that feeling away. It never has for me. We come into this world alone and we leave this world alone. I think my days of worrying about being an old lady with no partner or family are over. My life is what I have made it. So is yours. I am totally cool with what I have made it. If at some point, I choose to make it something different, I am pretty sure I will be cool with that too. There is no more of that desperation left in me, “I have to find someone or I will die a terrible, lonely death.” I know a lot of people who are much lonelier in their relationship than I am without one. If it takes a week for anyone to find my body; eh, so what? I have known people who have died like that who had wonderful, fulfilling lives. They were not to be pitied, but rather admired for being rich, self-fulfilling people.

Having people around you that love you is essential. I value that more than anything else, for certain. I have many people in my life who love me. I have had romantic relationships that were sweet and fulfilling for a time. But even so, there were still times when I felt totally alone. I believe that this loneliness is inherent in the human condition. Everybody has it from time to time. Leo Booth acknowledges this, and he is a priest for Christ’s sake (pun intended) and a motivational speaker about the gifts of spirituality (not religion). When I feel this loneliness, I acknowledge it. “Oh, there you are. Hello. Thanks for stopping by and reminding me that I am human.” Then I remind myself that there is no person who is going to take those periods of loneliness away from me altogether. That’s what I call a drink with legs. It’s a temporary fix and sooner or later, I will feel lonely again. It’s inevitable. Married folks, can I get a witness?

For me, it comes down to the fact that it is all an inside job. If we need to kill the loneliness, it is within our power to do that, for a time. We have to recognize that our tragedies are not going to be perceived by everyone the same way and that it does not mean that they do not care about us. Our perspectives are just different. No harm, no foul. Live and let live.

Reacting

2008-10-22T06:37:00.000-07:00

Ooo, how I do hate reacting to other people. I am, more often than not, pretty good at not reacting to what people say. However, yesterday I found myself reacting to just about everything a friend said. She said something that triggered me and then it turned into a tennis match of reacting to each other. I left that interaction wanting to throw up.

I felt like I had been goaded into reacting. That may or may not have been the truth, but it does not really matter. What matters is that it did not feel good. What matters is I wish I could reel myself in before the words roll off my tongue. I have no expectation of not being triggered by people. I just want to be able to walk away without having acted like an idiot. I do not want to take the bait. What’s with all the fishing metaphors?

I also am really good at just sucking it up and going to make my apologies, whether or not I feel like I was wronged. That is a struggle for me today. I find myself focusing on the goaded feeling and not being willing to do it. I find myself wanting to say, “You acted like a jerk, and I responded in kind. I am sorry for that.” That is not really an amends now, is it? Besides, the truth is, I really do not know who triggered who first. I may have said something that triggered her and she responded to that.

You see, I was accepted to a graduate program on Monday that I have been trying to get into. As I was talking about that, she began to mention her own accomplishments, which greatly shadow my own. It turned into a pissing match and only moments later I was astonished at some of the things I had said. Some of the things I said, I do not even believe to be true. What? Did I really say that? Gulp, yeah, I did.

I think I may need a little breather to get to a place of forgiveness and self-responsibility because I know, rationally, that it does not matter what this person did. It only matters what I did. That is all I have control over. The offense was not so great that I have to prove my point. I just want to have better control over myself so that if it happens again, I can act more maturely and say something like, “Ouch, that hurt,” or just keep my mouth shut until I can address it in a more objective way. It would be better to calmly talk about something than to lob sideways insults at each other until it blows up into something that is totally out of context.

These types of scenarios can make me feel like I have made no progress at all. Just riding around in circles in the bumper car ring.

Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Curtain

2008-10-18T10:30:00.000-07:00

This scene from The Wizard of Oz seems very applicable to the dream I had the other night and the people in the dream. Mind you, I am not saying that the people in my dream would classify themselves as these characters. I am saying that I did.

I returned to my therapist for the first time in 18 months yesterday. I have wanted to go back for some time now, but what really persuaded me to just do it was the dream I wrote about earlier this month. You see, my therapist is pretty faithfully Jungian. His dream analysis skills are amazing. I have also been excited to tell him that I left AA meetings. I wish I had a picture of his face when I told him that yesterday morning. What a beautiful, delight-filled smile, the kind that warms your soul.

I also told him that I had left the sweat lodge for similar reasons. I have to confess that part of me was waiting for him to stop me, “Woah, wait a minute, Timi. Don’t you think you are going a little too far?” He never did that once. He just beamed at my growth and new found freedom. He understood exactly why I had to leave both AA and the sweat lodge.

Side note: John Lennon’s song, God, just came on my stereo. How apropos for my day.

This therapist is just perfect for me. He speaks to my soul.

So, what did he say about my dream? He said it was very powerful. He found it interesting that I came into consciousness in that house, as if I was waking from a dream in a dream. He was interested in the “fairy tale” aspect of it—what I experienced in their house was made up. My emotional friend in the dream is my shadow. He pointed out that I experience life through my intellect and that I needed to start to experience more through my emotions. I told him that I did not want to become hysterical or lose my head under pressure. He told me that I did not have to forfeit my intellect and that I did not have to become hysterical, but that I needed to feel my emotions because that was the key to getting out.

He said my old car (life skills) was what brought me to that place, but that car did not suit my needs anymore. My current car (life skills) would take me away from what was no longer serving me and would give me my freedom from indoctrination and old beliefs. He also commented on the keys in the box and how those followers of those people had forfeited their inherent answers (keys) and given them to these “wizards”. You see, I built these people up, as if they could show me something I did not already know, as if they had the answers to life's mysteries, as if they could actually tell me what course of action I needed to take . . . as if they knew how to live better than I did. The truth is, they let people look up to them like that. They treat their followers much differently than they do people who question them. My experience was that they did not invite questioning or disagreement.

My therapist and I agreed to continue to work together and I asked him to help me with my emotions. I love working with him because we do not beat around the bush. We just get to it and it can be pretty intense at times. About 40 minutes into our session, I was sure we had been talking for an hour and a half. I so love this kind of work. What a wild ride!

If you remember this scene from The Wizard of Oz, you remember that right after that scene, the "good man" tells them each that they already have what they were seeking and they come into this awareness.

Negativity

2008-10-16T22:08:00.000-07:00

I was thinking that I might be a little depressed, but I think I might just be experiencing too much negativity. I am feeling the need to take responsibility for my attitude because I am quick to blame others for why I feel so depressed at times.

The presidential campaign has been getting to me. I get so pissed off when I watch/listen to the debates and I was asking myself last night, “Why are you watching this?” All that negativity that McCain is using is really a drag. The fact that so many people support him is a drag.

I want to get back into that positive space. I know it is up to me, but dang, it is hard when almost everywhere I turn people are negative. When I go to work, there is a bunch of conflict there. When I go to school, so many people are bitching about how terrible the professor is, how much work they have to do, and how awful the exam was.

Negativity is contagious and I am very susceptible to it. I just pick it right up and start rubbing it all over myself. I had gotten so much better at not buying into other people’s dramas. I had gotten so good at seeing the positive, looking for what was good about a situation or circumstance. I want to get back there. I want to be able to say, confidently, to others who are basking in their dramas, “Oh, that’s not the way I see it,” and let them wallow in their shit if they wish to.

Melody Beattie used the metaphor of someone splashing mud on our windshields. She said we just need to wipe it off so we can see clearly again. Honestly, people who see things so negatively are not seeing the whole picture. I do believe that there is a hidden pearl in every experience. I also believe that everything that happens in my life is for my utmost good.

I am so tired of the victim role, my own and that of others. Milking every last damned thing that happens to us in order to be a martyr. Life happens. I want to get back to seeing what’s right and break through this fixed stare on what is wrong. It’s cumbersome and boring.

Now, trust me, I know I will not be perfect at this and I do not wish to be completely free from negativity. I just do not want it to be the norm anymore. I do not want to go into work every day and say, “Yeah, she’s a bitch.” I do not want to go to school and think it sucks that I have to work so hard. I do not want to walk head first into things that I know are going to make me angry (like the debates).

Life does not suck. I can be as free as I will let myself be. I want to live in the light as much as possible. I want to drop the heavy cape of negativity.

Heroes

2008-10-12T09:21:00.000-07:00

The mentor/hero theme continues to reign in my life. I went to see Catie Curtis in Cave Creek last night. I have only recently been turned on to her music by my neighbors. I find her voice and lyrics soothing to the soul. It was another perfect evening with friends and music. Imagine my surprise when she sang this song called Heroes:

You used to save your sister
You used to be the boy
You cannot say your cap gun
To you was just a toy
I'm still hoping that you are not made of steel
Superman is all right but I want someone who's real

Heroes
I don't know any
So stop trying to be one
And just be somebody
Someone
Who can be a fool
Someone who can love me
Not be silent and cool

Love is a mystery but you
Can't solve it like a crime
Love is like a puzzle but you
Can't leave it to your mind
I'm getting tired of trying to get your heart to speak
Love can't make you strong until the love can
Make you weak

Heroes
I don't know any
So stop trying to be one
And just be somebody
Someone
Who can be a fool
Someone who can love me
Not be silent and cool

Dream Analysis

2008-10-11T06:53:00.000-07:00

Carl Jung believed that we are every person in our dreams. When I have dreams that are particularly haunting, I try to look at that theory. Most of the time, I can see the truth in that, even when I do not like it. I won’t cite examples because they are pretty involved.

The theme of mentors seems to be coming up a lot for me recently. In a dream I had earlier this week, I came to consciousness in the house of two people I used to revere in a somewhat unhealthy way. They are program people, but I was also awestruck with their spiritual practices and had made up stories to myself about them being spiritual giants or something relatively close to that.

As I looked around their house, it was like a house in a fairy tale. It was unreal. There was a big fire blazing in a huge wood burning stove. The furniture was in ill repair, with tears and patches on it. I later found that there was a dark basement, which was very dungeon-like. One of my friends was there who I believe looks at these two people much like I used to look at them. I do not dislike these people. This is an important point. It is just that I do not hold them in a higher regard than I do myself any longer. I do not believe they are spiritual giants, just good, decent human beings.

After surveying and realizing the place I was in, I had an intense desire to leave it. I knew I did not belong there. I knew it was not good that I was there. I sprung up, almost as if I were propelled, and ran to the door. I could not open it. I ran to another door and could not open it. I tried several windows to no avail. Finally, I turned to the more dominant of the two and said, “What in the hell am I doing here?” This person said to me, “Just calm down. Sit down and we’ll talk.” I sat down in front of the fire and this person proceeded to tell me that they were doing an intervention on me and, “You need to change your attitude, Timi.” I said, “Change my attitude about what?!?!” The person shook their head at me and said, “About everything. About AA. About the sweat lodge. You need to get right sized. Once you have done that, you can leave here, but not before then.”

I jumped up, looked out the window for my car and spotted it. It was the first car I ever drove, 25 years ago. Hmmmm, I think that means something too. I ran around, ransacking their home, looking for the keys. I noticed that there was a suitcase with some of my clothes in it. I tore that apart, looking for my keys. The other person of that pair came to me and said that some of my clothes were in the laundry, as if I were looking for them. I could tell that this person felt bad for me, but was so influenced by the other that she would never defy them.

I was frantic. I began screaming at the one who told me I would not be able to leave until I changed my attitude, “You cannot do this to me! This is not a fucking intervention. It is kidnapping, you mother fucker! You are going to jail when I get out of here! Let me the fuck out of here!” The person shook their head again as they were walking slowly away from me. The other person just looked at me with a pitifully sad look on her face, not saying a word. After I ran out of ideas and stood still, she came to me and said, “You’ll get out of here, Timi. Just try to change your perspective. Just do what you are here to do.”

I waited for her to leave the room and then went to my friend who had been sitting there like a deer caught in headlights. This friend is highly (cannot emphasize this enough) emotional. I also think this is noteworthy. I said to her softly, “What the hell? What is going on here?” She said, “I know, Timi. I don’t know why they’re doing this to you. It’s not like you were hurting anyone. It’s not like it was any of their business. Sweetheart, I am so confused. I love them, but I think this is really bad, what they’re doing.” I was still speaking softly, but sharply, “You bet your ass its wrong and I’m going to the police to report them for kidnapping when I get out of here. Can you help me get out of here?” She said, “Let me go get your keys.” She was crying as she brought out a box that had several other sets of keys in it and pulled mine out. I knew (don’t know how) the other keys in the box belonged to other people who idolized these people. My friend helped me collect all of my things, including my clothes that were now strewn about the house. She then opened the door for me and as I ran to my car, it was not the old car, but the car I currently drive. I got in, started the engine, and I was out of there. I woke up breathless.

Weird.

I called PJ that morning and she had some pretty interesting ideas about the dream. I hope she will post them here. What do you think? Do you dare enter the psyche of this dissident?

I Wanna Be Me

2008-10-08T08:53:00.000-07:00

On my morning walk with my dog today, I was reflecting on people who have served me as sponsors and/or mentors. I was thinking about so many people who I have placed on pedestals and realizing that in most, if not all, cases how unfounded that placement was. I do not mean to say that these were not fantastic people, most of them were. I am just saying that I have always given them some sort of higher worth than myself. I have always aspired to be like other people who I thought were somehow better than me.

I started to think about a conversation I had with PJ where she was somewhat uncompromising in her belief than usual. When this happens, I pay attention because she generally is trying to make an important point. She was asking me what role a couple of people were playing in my life. She was asking me why I was still referring to a woman as my sponsor. She was questioning me about what these people had that I did not already have and what was their purpose in my life. She was not asking me to eliminate them from my life, but I think she was suggesting that I did not need anyone to tell me what to do or how to behave. I think she was telling me that my instincts were good and that all I had to do was be myself.

The truth is that I have some good friends who are mentors, but do not tell me what to do. I have friends who will not give me advice unless I ask for it. These good friends are also not “yes” friends who agree with everything I say or do.

The problem with mentors and sponsors is that they are human, just like me. They mess up just as much as I do. They respond to situations in ways that I do not want to. I have never had a sponsor or a mentor who did not teach me as much about who I do not want to be as they did who I do want to be. That’s a fact. So, why do we call someone a mentor or a sponsor? I do believe that a sponsor is important in early sobriety, but what about after that? Do I really want/need to go to a person to ask them what I should do about all the challenges in my life? Or do I believe that I am competent enough to handle all the challenges that come my way? I do believe this. If I need support, again, I have good friends who will tell me the truth and not necessarily what I want to hear.

As I watch people with many years of sobriety working with their sponsors, it almost seems comical to me, childish. I witnessed a 40-something man with many years of sobriety working with his sponsor last week and it just looked so odd to me. I thought of PJ again: what could that sponsor possibly have that the other man did not already have? I have also witnessed people who are so dependent on their sponsors that they will fire them if the sponsor does not return their call within 24 hours. If your support network is one person, you are screwed. If we have a good support network, is this one person really necessary?

Growth comes from experiencing life. My experience has shown me that people do not typically learn from another person’s experience. Most women I sponsored glazed over whenever I shared my experience with them. I had one sponsee actually tell me she was tired of my stories. According to her, my experience was inconsequential to her experience. Okay, so what were we doing after that? She was okay to make her own choices based on the person she was becoming. She did not need me anymore.

One of the things that I used to find comforting that is now troubling is how you can always tell when someone is program. I had a couple of non-program friends tell me over the years, “I could tell this guy was in AA because he talked just like you.” Ugh! It is that easily recognized vocabulary that always comes out. I really do not have a desire to be a carbon copy of the millions of other folks who are in program. I do not want to respond to every situation the way they do. I do not want to speak the same jargon that they do. I do not want to be easily recognized as part of the clan.

During my walk today I realized that having friends that I admire and respect works better for me than having sponsors or mentors. I really am choosing friends who inspire me to be a better person anyway. These people inspire me by what they say and do and by holding me to higher standards as well. They do this in a loving way, but they are also not supporting unhealthy behavior.

I also realized that I do not want to be like anyone else. This is not because I think I am better than anyone else. It’s just that wanting to be like someone else all of my life only accomplished one thing: perpetuating low self-worth. Honestly, we would not trade our problems for anyone else’s. So, if my life is what I make it, how can I say I want to be like anyone else? I wanna be me.

Rebels

2008-10-07T07:08:00.000-07:00

Carl Rogers founded Person-Centered Therapy and is one of my biggest inspirations. There was much uproar about his theory when it was new because it was so completely different from any other model being used at the time. Some people are still really opposed to it, but I have watched with amazement the effectiveness of some interventions that Rogers used. Rogers is noted as saying that he knew he really had something because of all the furor that surrounded his new theory.

I found this quote on the website AA Deprogramming, and asked many of my friends and family members to comment on it:

“Rebels and dissidents challenge the complacent belief in an unjust world, and they are usually denigrated for their efforts. While they are alive, they may be called 'cantankerous,' 'crazy,' 'hysterical,' ‘uppity,' or 'duped.' Dead, some of them become saints and heroes, the sterling characters of history. It’s a matter of proportion. One angry rebel is crazy, three is a conspiracy, and fifty is a movement.”

Here are some of the responses I received after asking people what they thought of this quote. Some of these are from AA members who have been very opposed to my leaving AA:

Sounds pretty right on to me, as sad a commentary as it may be on our so called leader of the pack mentality, we don't seem to really like change even tho we argue and fight for the right to have it and when others say out loud what we may be thinking, we are shocked outraged and afraid... Wish I could have been a leader, I know I wouldn't have survived the civil rights movement had I been old enough to participate, at least that's what I liked to think now with a lot of my life experience behind me, I wonder...

Not sure if i have a cogent opinion on this. My first reaction was there is always a price to be paid for being different in society, whether that be at the personal level or at the public level. Also, I thought right away of MLK and Malcolm X, then Lenny Bruce, Gloria Steinem, the early suffragists and abolitionists and people like that... all of whom were castigated and excoriated for speaking out against the then status-quo.

I'm trying to think of a rebel or dissident that was not subject to these labels when they were alive. Hhhhmmm... But perhaps that is the very nature of the rebel or dissident. It is their role, after all, to call into question the accepted theories or beliefs of the majority. So, of course, the majority would try to marginalize their efforts by labeling them as "crazy" or "cantankerous."

I also think it's a point well-taken that after they die, they then are often transformed into saints and heroes. Again, look to any of the individuals and groups I mentioned above. In their times, they were often seen as troublemakers, rabble-rousers. Today, with the cooling benefit of time and distance from the events, they are almost universally hailed as visionaries and heroes.

Hmmm, interesting ideas you get me thinking about here, Timi. Hope this helps. Thanks for the opportunity to use my brain!

I think this is a pretty accurate way to describe a common historical anecdote. In the '70s, they used to say it this way: "Radical ideas which challenge institutions eventually become institutions which, in turn, reject radical ideas." Like respiration, history expands and contracts. 'All very important to us, but viewed from the perspective of the Almighty, we're probably as predictable as watching mold grow.

It requires a difficult balance between grandiosity and humility, really--the grandiosity to trust your own head and heart when everyone says you're crazy and you happen to be sure of where you're going--and the humility of Isaac Newton, who said that he regarded all the hubbub about his genius with skepticism since he was just (wildly paraphrasing the idea here) a 'little kid who happened to be walking along the beach and stumbled on a beautiful shell'. He may have seen it, but he was clear that he didn't make the shell. Whoever did that was REALLY cool.

I think it's pretty accurate. It reminds me of the bumper sticker you see a lot around town: "Well behaved women seldom make history". Fear of change is a powerful motivator to inspire otherwise reasonable people to resist at the expense of others. Interesting that all those descriptors could be synonymous for maverick. Remember also that "eccentric" is "crazy" with a PhD.

Yeah, this is good stuff. It sure gave me more comfort about my own dissidence.

Head of Skate

2008-10-06T06:50:00.000-07:00

Chocolate News put together this spoof in response to Matt Damon's comments about Sarah Palin and how it was like a bad Disney Movie that McSame picked her for his VP. OMG!

Head of Skate

Insanity

2008-10-05T09:45:00.000-07:00

In yesterday’s post, I mentioned how nice it was to have the refuge of my new friendship with my coworker. I had the fortunate opportunity to spend a good deal of time with her yesterday. It is so fun to go out and spend a day doing only the things you want to do. This is a luxury for me as a grad student.

During our day out, we went to a favorite Mexican restaurant for lunch. There was a woman there whom I used to sponsor. In the process of telling my friend how I knew her, I began to tell the story of why I needed to get out of AA. Each time I revisit this story, I feel the sickness all over again. When I was about 9 months sober, I remember grieving all of the wasted time I spent in the fog. Today, I feel like I am grieving all the wasted time in the rooms of AA. Retelling the story of my last years in AA makes me feel physically ill.

My new friend has not had any exposure to 12-step meetings and watching her reaction to the stories I tell her is all the more validating that AA is a cesspool for immaturity and seriously dysfunctional behavior. As I was speaking aloud to my friend about scenarios I found myself entangled in, it was like I was being immersed in this awareness of just how sick it actually was. It was like I was seeing it in its full light for the first time.

The best therapist I ever had used to urge me to leave AA. She used to say, “When you hang out with crazy, you are going to feel crazy.” At that point in time, I really did not comprehend the totality of what she was saying. In hindsight, she used to say that to me whenever I was telling her about some distressing scenario in AA. She also pleaded with me before I moved to Flagstaff, “Timi, please find peers out there. You cannot do this work (counseling) if you continue to spend so much time with such emotionally unbalanced people. You need roles models. You need people in your life who are more emotionally stable so you can continue to grow.” Pilfering from Bill’s Story, “Ominous warning—which I failed to heed.”

I used to hear people in AA say that it was the same everywhere, that there were just as many sick people outside of AA as there are in AA. I agree with that, but I do not agree that there are just as many healthy people inside of AA as there are outside of AA. It seems to me that people in AA use this idea to make members think that they cannot find a healthier life outside of AA. It is another tool to keep us indoctrinated, to make us think that there is not anything better outside of the rooms of AA.

After a little time away from the AA community and some immersion into the real world, I realize how intense the craziness I was surrounded by actually was. I find that I am asking myself with some regularity, “Did I really live like that for all of those years? Was I that sick, even after I got sober?” Sadly, the answer is yes. These are the same questions I asked myself after I got sober. It really is true that we do not get it until we get it. I am so grateful that I finally got it and that I am now seeking equal peers.

Obstacle Course

2008-10-04T08:18:00.000-07:00

My coworker and I have been putting in extra hours lately and we were allowed to take this past Thursday off to try to compensate. Haha! We both worked 15.5 hours yesterday. It has been much worse for her than it has been for me.

Thursday was not much of a break because she had to teach in the morning and I spent the majority of the day finishing a take-home test. However, I was determined to have at least a little fun on my day off so I asked my coworker to meet me for lunch downtown. Requesting to meet downtown was my first mistake.

My second mistake was parking in a lot directly across the street from where an AA meeting meets at noon every day. As I pulled in, I saw several people I knew getting out of their cars. I quickly jumped out of my car, diverting my eyes and hurried down an alley to make my get away. As I strode down the street toward the restaurant, I noticed that another AA member was coming up the street toward me, so I quickly crossed the street only to have to dodge another member.

At last, I arrived at the restaurant. That all happened within an eighth of a mile. PJ’s reference to the body snatchers comes to mind. Once I caught my breath, I had a nice visit with my friend at the restaurant. Friends like her are such a great refuge from constantly having to explain my choices.

When we left the restaurant, I walked with her to her car so I could borrow a book. Her car was half a block from mine. I apprehensively looked up at the meeting hall and there was no one still hanging around, so I relaxed and thought I was home free. Alas, a member I greatly dislike was sitting on a bench 10 feet in front of my car, meeting with his sponsor. Doh! I was so close! I waved at his sponsor, jumped in my car and laughed at myself as I drove off. At least I was able to spare myself the “How are you,” bullshit that has been infiltrating my life recently.

The childish part in me would really like to start cutting people off at the pass. I would like to speak first and say, “How are you? Are you still going to those meetings? Oh, gosh, I’m really sorry to hear that. Really how are you?” That would be inauthentic, and as I have said so many times, that is not at all what I want to be. It would just be retaliation.

You see, I really do not care that other people still go to meetings. I do not feel the need to question them the way that they question me about my choice to stop going. I think I know why they still go. I think it is the same reason I went for nearly 14 years, because they were my social circle and because it made me feel safe. It just so happens that I want a different social circle and all of the information I have taken in tells me that meetings do not make me safe.

My safety lies within me and my ability to self-regulate. I have that ability now. I may not have had that ability when I was still so sick, but I have it now. I am not talking about regulating my drinking. Please do not misunderstand me. My self-regulation goes out the window with a drink. I believe that. However, if a person cannot self regulate after years of sobriety, there is probably a mental health issue that should be addressed.

It was amusing to watch myself try to duck around program people on Thursday. It was the same way that I tried to dodge people I used to drink with when I was newly sober. I was not secure enough in myself to be able to stand and face them and all their questions about where I have been. It is also amusing how the condemning is very much the same. My old drinking pals treated me as if something was really wrong with me because I got sober. My old meeting pals treat me as if something is really wrong with me because I left meetings.

One friend I know from meetings and the sweat lodge said this to me, “If everything stayed the same and you went to the same places, did the same practices, and saw all the same people, you would probably NOT be growing! Thanks for the example that sober, beautiful people can make changes and survive, grow, and emerge more the person they want to be.” And that sums it up for me. I want to grow. The stuff I was doing made me feel idle, as if I was simply existing. I want my life to be an adventure and the only way that happens is with change.

Oh, So You're Well Now?

2008-09-30T06:58:00.000-07:00

PJ and I did our traditional breakfast, followed by a walk this weekend. Lately, our conversation turns more to politics, which is great because we both need to be able to rant about the absurdities that are happening in this presidential race. However, we still find time to talk about our recoveries and our departures from meetings. PJ is pretty angry about the rudeness and inappropriateness I have been receiving from AA members. She is a great friend, who really wants me to experience my truth. There is this beautiful card that I found that truly describes my friendship with PJ:

During our visit, it came up how some people respond to people who have left meetings. It’s that, “Oh, so you’re well now?” or “She got well,” with all the smugness and sarcasm they can muster. PJ’s take on it was it was as if they thought it was a bad thing. My take on it is that they believe it is impossible. I do believe that once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic; but I do not believe that I cannot get well.

I do not believe that I am going to be stuck with “alcoholic thinking” for the rest of my life. In the first place, there is no such thing as alcoholic thinking. It is dysfunctional thinking and a lot of non-alcoholic people have it too. We do not corner the market on dysfunction. If the non-alcoholic people can successfully change their thought processes, so can we. If we are willing to do the work, we can and do get well. Just because I leave meetings does not mean I am on a slippery slope to “stinking thinking,” leading to “old behaviors,” leading to a drink. It simply does not. If I believe that, I will surely have a self-fulfilling prophecy. Undoubtedly.

I have grown to understand that my state of mental well-being is largely related to who I choose to surround myself with. If I am surrounded by a bunch of people who tell me something is not possible, I tend to believe that. If I am surrounded by people who do not believe they can get well and continue with their dysfunctional thinking, guess what? I am stuck there too.

Alcoholics Anonymous may be the last house on the block, but when I became willing to look closer, the house was on a corner and there was more road to travel around that corner. All I had to do was open my eyes. I may not yet be “well,” but I am travelling the road to it.

Whew! That Was FUN!

2008-09-28T13:17:00.000-07:00

I have been moaning a lot lately that I have not been having enough fun. Last night, I went to an outdoor concert. We went to see Michael Franti and Spearhead. Jeez, it was a blast! The energy was so high. Almost every person there was dancing throughout the concert, many times just jumping up and down. It was a hippie, love fest. Watch this video and tell me if you can keep from moving. If you can, I think you need to lighten up! Did I mention how much fun I had?!?! I want to do it again!

Invasion of the Body Snatchers

2008-09-26T17:04:00.000-07:00

I work at a hospital and there are many members of 12-Step groups who work at the hospital too. I had two encounters today with AAers at the hospital. I received a text message, out of the blue, from one that simply stated, "Try not to think about yourself all day." Weird. There has been no communication with this person that would lead him to say that too me. My reply was, "I will if you will."

Shortly after that as I was getting ready to go to the cafeteria and grab some lunch, another woman who is in a relatively high position came up to me, got too close and said, "Go to a meeting with me." I told her I could not because I only had a half hour for lunch. She said, "So what? So do I." I said, "Thanks for asking, but no." I do not think she was really asking. It was more like she was commanding.

Aaaaaaaaah! I ran outside and called PJ. We had a laugh and I came home to this email, with the subject line, "Bad Movie" from her:

Hi Timi,

As I was driving to lunch after talking with you, the image of you in “The Body Snatchers” came into my mind. They can sense that you are no longer “one of them” and they want to reprogram you. There is no other logical explanation. You are not showing signs of distress, so why would anyone want to fix you? Unless……….

Love,
PJ

You gotta love her!

Where Does the Responsibility Lie?

2008-09-24T06:51:00.000-07:00

I was reading a post, Moral Depravity Anonymous, on one of my favorite blogs, Vicarious Rising and I was so delighted with what I was reading that I actually clapped my hands. Oh, how I do love it when people talk about self responsibility. I think it’s sexy. In this post, VR dissects what moral depravity means. In this process, she concludes that there is free will involved. I like that. VR also talks a bit about powerlessness.

One of the things that I could no longer gel with was the conflicting assignments of responsibility in AA. We were powerless over alcohol, but we still had to take responsibility for our disease and the places it took us (contrition)? Then we have to do certain things in order to get and stay sober, but God is responsible for our sobriety? “I am sober today by the grace of a loving god and Alcoholics Anonymous.” Is anyone else confused about who is responsible, according to the things that are said in AA? Am I missing something?

VR also talked about the biology/psychology debate. I definitely agree with her that it is part biology, part psychology. Our biology does not make us drink/use, that is 100% psychology. Our biology kicks in only after we have decided to drink. One of the things I could no longer tolerate in meetings was the utter ignorance or denial that psychology plays a much larger part in alcoholism than biology does. Psychology is what gets and keeps the ball rolling. Psychology is what will allow you to change your neural pathways if you are willing to work at it. I am not saying that you can change the biology that makes you an alcoholic. However, I am not entirely convinced that you cannot. I believe that I have rerouted some of my neural connections by staying persistent with that work. My thought patterns are different now. I can surely relapse in that area, but I typically recognize when I have and I do more rerouting work immediately.

I have been saying for years that I did not care if there was a pill that could make me drink like normal people, I did not want to drink. I still feel that way. I also am still grateful for the way that AA taught me to live. I am a student of living a better life. I really do not have any beef with AA in general. I would still recommend it to anyone who was trying to get sober. My beef is with the people in it and the dogma they have attached to it. My beef is with how most people plateau in the rooms and never achieve their mental health potential. They can all parrot each other, “If you keep on doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep on getting what you’re getting,” and ignore the fact that this is exactly what everyone in AA is doing. Possibly the choice of the word “God” was a mistake, but overall, the principles worked for me. AA showed me how to live better. What happened for me was that I wanted a higher level of mental health. I needed hope that I could change the way I thought. I needed examples of people who believed in self responsibility, who were not stuck in some form of magical thinking that was obviously not working as far as healing their patterns of thinking.

I could no longer sit with a group of people who believed that their improved mental health was dependent on God's will. Or, even worse, who endlessly apply the same tools for change that are obviously not working. Here is my favorite cliche, "It nothing changes, nothing changes." I am making changes and my results are more prodigious than they have been in years. In taking responsibility for myself and not waiting to be zapped well, things are happening. Good things.

On Feminism and Spirituality

2008-09-22T07:42:00.000-07:00

I decided to write a post in response to postpaleo’s comments because the comments were, well, getting too long for a comment. Post, thanks so much for your comments on my post Systems Theory. I know that the book (big book) was written in a time when patriarchy was not really questioned, but the fact that updating it to reflect the progress feminism has made is just too ridiculous for words. I know feminists who leave the rooms or refuse to read the readings because of the sexism in the words. When I was still going to meetings, I did not care if stodgy old-timers got pissed, I always altered the readings to be non-gender specific. One guy I know used to say if his god had genitalia, he was screwed. I would agree with that.

On the god thing . . . . this has been an evolving area for me for the past 14 years. The truth is, I don’t know what I believe. I know what I don’t believe. I am not Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, AA, or any of the other organized religions. I do not believe in organized religion. I think when people gather week after to week to do the same thing that the practice loses its reverence. It becomes a social event and not a spiritual one. I used to enjoy attending a sweat lodge and for about a year and a half I was able to go to “that” place there. However, at some point, I could not get there anymore because of all of the socializing, networking, “hooking-up,” and other worldly things that were happening there. I felt like Jesus must have when he walked into the temple and people were holding a bazaar there.

I do believe in spirituality. I have been to “that” place of clean and pure peace many times when it was not drug induced, starvation induced, or induced by deprivation of any kind to not believe in spirituality. I agree with postpaleo in that it is okay for people to believe whatever they believe, just as long as they do not try to impose their beliefs on me. I want to extend this to atheists because I have known many atheists who will bewail how the Christians are cramming their beliefs down everyone’s throat and immediately proceed to give a fiery speech on why it is ridiculous to believe in god. Are you kidding me?!?! It is hysterically hypocritical. Me, I do not know; but neither do the religious fanatics and neither do the atheists. I prefer to stick with agnosticism because I think it is the most practical choice.

Tagged for a Meme

2008-09-21T15:32:00.000-07:00

I have been tagged for the first time for a meme that asks about my quirks. Vicarious Rising tagged me with this one:

Here are the rules:
1. Link the person who tagged you.
2. Mention the rules on your blog.
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them.
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.

Unfortunately, I only know a couple of other bloggers and I doubt they will play along. So, here are the 6 quirks I could think of. I am sure there are many more.

I sometimes have to abruptly leave stores like the Pottery Barn or Crate & Barrel that have large glass displays because of an almost overwhelming desire to take out these displays with the sweep of an arm. This carries over to Christmas Trees. I fantasize about making a full body tackle on Christmas Trees. I have no idea where this comes from, but I worked with a guy once who had the same thing about Christmas Trees.

Whenever I sit down at a table in a restaurant, the first thing I do is move everything around so it is arranged how it makes most sense to me. This is getting much better. I probably only do it one out of five times now. It used to be every time.

I cannot stand to listen to someone clip their nails. It’s like nails on a chalk board. Maddening!

I am attracted to ridiculously intelligent men. The man I am currently smitten with has two PhDs. These men frequently turn out to be gay because they also must be kind and sensitive and understand women’s issues.

I love chocolate ice cream, but I don’t buy it because my dog cannot lick the bowl when I’m finished (dogs cannot eat chocolate).

The few foods that I dislike are disliked because of the texture and not the flavor. For example, I love guacamole, but am not crazy about avocados because they are slimy.

My tagees are David at Rebellion Dogs and Biggy D at Tales of the Wood. It will be fun if either of them play along because I love both of their senses of humor.

Systems Theory

2008-09-19T08:19:00.000-07:00

I am taking a class called Consultation in the Helping Professions. I am also taking Marriage & Family Counseling. There is some overlap in these classes, which is always good because saturation of material really allows you to learn it. In both classes we have been covering Systems Theory. My cute, but married (darn it), professor said last night, “When people get stuck in a system, they start to lose the ability to see things from a different view point. People begin to behave as if their system is the only way to achieve their goals and they defend it. While their system may actually function at some level, they have become resistant to new ideas which could actually help them reach a higher level of functioning. They stay fixed in a system that has long been stagnant and that can block them from achieving desired growth. When you enter this system as an agent of change, you become the enemy.” Amen brother! This man was preaching my battle cry. Tell me, does this remind you of any system we know of?

In my Marriage & Family class we were talking about the term differentiation as it relates to family systems. Differentiation is a progressive, internal interplay between autonomy (separation) and connection (togetherness) while progressing toward the authentic self. Being an authentic adult is hard work and a never completed task. The pathway is paved with difficulty and challenge.

In layman’s terms differentiation is when a person has done their psychological work to differentiate themselves from their family of origin. It is when a person has successfully separated their emotional selves in a way that enables them to reduce being triggered by current situations because of family of origin issues. Systems theory scholars suggest that a person who is differentiated reacts cognitively to 80% of the situations in their lives and respond emotionally to only about 20%. Further, people who are reacting with strong emotion to situations have become stuck in a system that causes stagnation (i.e. their family or origin’s system). Differentiation is no walk in the park. In my process it felt like I was trying to stand up to hurricane force winds. Breaking free from any system is difficult because the people in that system will always try to get you to stay the same because they are stuck and have lost the ability to see things from a different view point.

My life has improved remarkably since I went to AA and got sober. There is no denying that. However, at some point I recognized the stagnation and I became despondent because I felt trapped. My whole being was screaming that there had to be more than this. There had to be more than the same damned words repeated over and over, the perpetuated sickness, the type of men available in the rooms, and the unbearable resistance to change. Being in AA meetings felt like walking through mud.

I was reflecting on the changes in my life yesterday and I realized that my life has again improved remarkably since I stopped going to meetings. Several people have commented to me about how much calmer I seem. The fear produced by my indoctrination has started to subside and I no longer feel like I am trapped with a bunch of people who are resistant to change and married to ideas that keep them stagnant. I am so on fire for school again because (as PJ often reminds me) my lessons are putting to words what I already knew but did not know how to say. I am, once again, in an amazing period of serendipitous lessons and epiphanies.

To My Sisters

2008-09-14T08:34:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I need to get political on my blog because I think it is too critical not to do so. I post this for my sisters and the supportive men in our lives. Please take the time to read the following.

Drill, Drill, Drill

I am having Sarah Palin nightmares. I dreamt last night that she was a member of a club where they rode snowmobiles and wore the claws of drowned and starved polar bears around their necks. I have a particular thing for Polar Bears. Maybe it's their snowy whiteness or their bigness or the fact that they live in the arctic or that I have never seen one in person or touched one. Maybe it is the fact that they live so comfortably on ice. Whatever it is, I need the polar bears.

I don't like raging at women. I am a Feminist and have spent my life trying to build community, help empower women and stop violence against them. It is hard to write about Sarah Palin. This is why the Sarah Palin choice was all the more insidious and cynical. The people who made this choice count on the goodness and solidarity of Feminists. But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical to Feminism which for me is part of one story -- connected to saving the earth, ending racism, empowering women, giving young girls options, opening our minds, deepening tolerance, and ending violence and war.

I believe that the McCain/Palin ticket is one of the most dangerous choices of my lifetime, and should this country chose those candidates the fall-out may be so great, the destruction so vast in so many areas that America may never recover. But what is equally disturbing is the impact that duo would have on the rest of the world. Unfortunately, this is not a joke. In my lifetime I have seen the clownish, the inept, the bizarre be elected to the presidency with regularity.

Sarah Palin does not believe in evolution. I take this as a metaphor. In her world and the world of Fundamentalists nothing changes or gets better or evolves. She does not believe in global warming. The melting of the arctic, the storms that are destroying our cities, the pollution and rise of cancers, are all part of God's plan. She is fighting to take the polar bears off the endangered species list. The earth, in Palin's view, is here to be taken and plundered. The wolves and the bears are here to be shot and plundered. The oil is here to be taken and plundered. Iraq is here to be taken and plundered. As she said herself of the Iraqi war, "It was a task from God."

Sarah Palin does not believe in abortion. She does not believe women who are raped and incested and ripped open against their will should have a right to determine whether they have their rapist's baby or not.

She obviously does not believe in sex education or birth control. I imagine her daughter was practicing abstinence and we know how many babies that makes.

Sarah Palin does not much believe in thinking. From what I gather she has tried to ban books from the library, has a tendency to dispense with people who think independently. She cannot tolerate an environment of ambiguity and difference. This is a woman who could and might very well be the next president of the United States. She would govern one of the most diverse populations on the earth.

Sarah believes in guns. She has her own custom Austrian hunting rifle. She has been known to kill 40 caribou at a clip. She has shot hundreds of wolves from the air.

Sarah believes in God. That is of course her right, her private right. But when God and Guns come together in the public sector, when war is declared in God's name, when the rights of women are denied in his name, that is the end of separation of church and state and the undoing of everything America has ever tried to be.

I write to my sisters. I write because I believe we hold this election in our hands. This vote is a vote that will determine the future not just of the U.S., but of the planet. It will determine whether we create policies to save the earth or make it forever uninhabitable for humans. It will determine whether we move towards dialogue and diplomacy in the world or whether we escalate violence through invasion, undermining and attack. It will determine whether we go for oil, strip mining, coal burning or invest our money in alternatives that will free us from dependency and destruction. It will determine if money gets spent on education and healthcare or whether we build more and more methods of killing. It will determine whether America is a free open tolerant society or a closed place of fear, fundamentalism and aggression.

If the Polar Bears don't move you to go and do everything in your power to get Obama elected then consider the chant that filled the hall after Palin spoke at the RNC, "Drill Drill Drill." I think of teeth when I think of drills. I think of rape. I think of destruction. I think of domination. I think of military exercises that force mindless repetition, emptying the brain of analysis, doubt, ambiguity or dissent. I think of pain.

Do we want a future of drilling? More holes in the ozone, in the floor of the sea, more holes in our thinking, in the trust between nations and peoples, more holes in the fabric of this precious thing we call life?

Eve Ensler
September 5, 2008

Being an Agent for Change

2008-09-12T07:44:00.000-07:00

I may have mentioned this before, but I feel the need to express it again. One of my biggest pet peeves is the phrase, “That’s just the way I am,” or any variation of that attitude. Whenever I had done some reprehensible thing in my early alcoholism and some loved one was calling me out on it in a sober moment, my response was always, “Well I was drunk. I would have never done that if I were not drunk.” I used my drunkenness as if it excused my behavior. My best friend said to me, when I was 19, “If that is the way you behave when you drink, maybe you should not drink ever again.” Needless to say, I never used that line again, and I withdrew my friendship from her. One would think that she was glad to be rid of me, but the truth is that she was heartbroken. My self-centeredness knew no bounds.

There is an expression I heard a lot at meetings, “You spot it, you got it.” I find it to be more accurate (for me) to say, “You spot it, you used to got it.” I tend to find dysfunctional behaviors that I have overcome particularly annoying in other people. The last therapist I was seeing told me that the things I found most grating in others were aspects of myself that I have disowned. I think that is just a more eloquent way of saying, “you spot it, you used to got it.”

Lately, I have been hearing a number of people saying (in various forms), “That’s just the way I am.” It feels an awful lot like my own, “But I was drunk.” Let me explain how. When people excuse their idiosyncrasies as just being a part of who they are, it is asking other people to pardon their behavior because they are not willing to change it. It is a lot like me asking people to just make allowances for my alcoholism. If you behave offensively, you cannot ask others to take on the responsibility of working around your behavior. I find that to be a blatant sign of immaturity. We all have consequences for our actions. If our choice to be “just the way we are” is negatively impacting other important people in our lives, it is our responsibility to change it, not their responsibility to make allowances. If we are unwilling to work toward change, we are responsible for the consequences of that choice, not the other person.

I am all about personal responsibility and I know that I have high expectations of people. I am willing to accept the consequences of that. I do not expect people to be perfect, and I do not expect people to change overnight. What I do expect is for people to take responsibility for who they are and stop denying that some of “who they are” is not working for them interpersonally. In this area, all I really want to see is people acknowledging that it is not working and be willing to work toward change. I only wish that people would stop expecting others to make concessions to them because of their idiosyncrasies. The way I see it, at 30, at 35, at 42 (whatever adult age you want to tack onto this statement), no one else is responsible for who we are or how we behave but us. I believe that accepting that responsibility is a real sign of growth and maturity and that is what I am trying to invite into my life.

Not only do I want to be an agent of change in others’ lives (as a counselor and a friend), I want to be an agent of change in my own life. I like being with people who inspire me to do that and do not tell me, “That’s just the way you are.” We can change, if we want to.

Life is About More Than Quitting Drinking

2008-09-02T19:56:00.000-07:00

Last night I had three people over who I know from meetings that have not rejected me. It was really nice to see them and have the company. I hosted the dinner for a previous sponsor’s birthday. She moved to Arizona from Los Angeles a month before I did. We connected because of that and many other things.

Of course, the subject of me not going to meetings came up. That was fine. The three of them were relatively accepting about it. However, the guest of honor did feel the need to repeatedly exclaim that she was not ever going to leave AA. We talked about our mothers’ health problems and about the possibility of moving on from Arizona over the next few years. There was talk about several people in AA. Two of my guests talked about how they loved going to meetings because of all the characters that are there. I sat there quietly for a few moments and then said, “Gosh, that is a huge reason why I left AA and why I do not want to go back.” They went on and said that “normal” people are terribly boring by comparison. There’s the rub.

I do not find “normal” people boring. I find them to be, well, normal. In general, I find them much less dramatic, more emotionally stable, and absolutely more commonsensical. If that is what boring is, bring it on. I cannot get enough of normal these days. It seems, to me, that the healthier I got, the less I related to people in AA. I would sit on the sidelines and watch people in the rooms doing the same imperceptible things again and again and I would ask myself, “Why are you here?” When I would try to talk with another member about it, I would hear statements like, “Well, you know, they are doing the best they can,” or “We are all just sick alcoholics, what do you expect?” What I expect is more, and that is what I find with “normal” people. Is it so awful to want to be friends with people who have completed their childhood development? Who are not stuck in their pre-teens or adolescence?

I have to admit that at my little dinner party I was impressed that no one started telling war stories or having euphoric recall about their drinking days until after we finished the meal. After we moved to the living room, that was all that my guests talked about. That, my friends, is what I find boring. I can honestly say that I do not romanticize the drink anymore. I believe that I would not drink if I could. I do not feel nostalgic for my drinking days. In fact, whenever I recall what it felt like to be buzzed or drunk, I just feel sad. I feel sad for how long that girl was numb and out of it. I have no desire to relive any of that. Even when I thought I was having fun, I really was not. I was just masking old pain and creating new pain with my vulgar behavior. Do I ever think about a drink? Sure I do. I think about having a drink whenever I have an intense desire to change the way I feel. Then I remember that what I really want is to feel the way I feel so I can move forward. I do not want to lay my own road blocks anymore.

I feel like I went to the hardware store looking for milk last night. “We are people who normally would not mix.”

Solitude vs. Isolation

2008-08-31T11:09:00.000-07:00

We are seeing the remnants of Tropical Storm Julio here in Arizona. Because Flagstaff sits at 7,000 feet, the clouds are often closer to the ground than at lower altitudes. Feeling as if you are in the clouds leaves you awestruck—at least it leaves me awestruck. The views from the mesa were breathtaking this morning. Being out there by myself is a form of meditation for me, and especially with the sights and sounds I heard out there this brisk morning. I found myself speaking out loud, “Wow . . . this is truly spectacular. Thank you for this stunning gift of splendor.” Then my dog looked up at me and I said, “What? It is magnificent puppa.”

Before I sobered up (even after I quit drinking), I used to need to be with people all of the time. If I was not with people, I had the television or radio on. Being home alone, or anywhere alone, was not something I was comfortable with. I know now that I was not comfortable being alone with myself and that I needed constant reflection from other people in order to know that I was “okay.” Additionally, I felt like I needed to drown my inner voice out because the things I was telling myself were not always nice. I know a lot of people who are still very self-deprecating. It is not that I do not still beat up on myself from time to time, but I do enjoy my own company these days.

On the whole, I am a very social person. I enjoy being with people. I love to exchange ideas, talk about things we are passionate about, and most of all, I love to hear about people’s life experiences. Oh, I just love to hear about what brought a person to this moment in their lives. My friends PJ and Carli have the most fascinating life stories. I feel the excitement rising up in me when I think about the places that each of them has been and continue to go. I have a friend in LA who worked at the Los Angeles Times for nearly 25 years, and man, the stories she got to work on! Okay, I am digressing. The point is, I love sharing my life with others and having them share theirs with me. I am not an introvert and I do not isolate.

I do not believe that there is anything wrong with people who are introverted or who prefer solitude to social situations. Sure, there should be some kind of balance between the two. It should not be all of one and none of the other, but that works in both directions. I feel sorry for people who do not know how to be alone with themselves. I also feel sad for people who keep themselves so busy and distracted that they can never hear their inner voice. When I was like that, all I could hear was static. Is it any wonder people like that do not trust themselves? I could never be sure that a message was from my authentic self or if it was from any of the thousands of external messages I was inundating myself with each day. I could never get through the smog of all those external messages to what was really me. Much of the programming we receive is that we cannot trust ourselves. What I have learned over the past few years is that when I am willing to sit with myself in the quiet of solitude, I can trust what I hear from my inner voice.

So many people talk about how terrible isolation is that we become hard on ourselves when we enjoy spending some time alone. That just seems so absurd to me now. It seems so counter productive to keep your head distracted from you all of the time. I have been shedding tears in the awareness of how much time I have spent trying to “get out of myself” at the urging of others. I weep in the understanding that in doing that, I spent several more years not being present for my self and perpetuated the neglect of that voice that so desperately needed to be heard. All that busyness, that distraction separated me from my self the same way alcohol and drugs did.

Today, I enjoy my interactions with people; but even more important, I cherish my solitude with my self. Just as there is a difference between selfish and self-ish, there is a difference between isolation and solitude. Isolation is imposed and solitude is a choice. I do not believe that “getting out of ourselves” is always the healthiest response to our discomfort. People often do that too their own detriment. I believe it is a habitual deterrent from doing their own work of trying to understand themselves. There are healthy reasons for being self-ish as well as for choosing solitude. What I experience and learn when I am alone is beyond anything I could describe. In those moments, like on the mesa this morning, I am whole. I am complete within and of myself and feel no need for another’s reflection of me. I write this with great awe and wonder.

Back to School, Back to Therapy

2008-08-29T07:25:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I am a nerd. I went back to school on Tuesday and I love it! I love just about everything about it. I love participating in the intellectual conversations. I love sitting in the classroom, soaking it all up. I love most of the reading assignments. I love what I get from doing the projects. I love connecting again with the people in my program. I love having little crushes on professors. I love writing A papers an hour before they are due. I love how my classmates are passionate about helping other people and that they are cognizant that they have to try to view the world from the other person’s perspective. I really love being around people who are working their asses off to improve the quality of their lives.

Being in a psychology program, people are typically not just doing the education self-improvement. Many of them are also doing personal self-improvement. After finding 12-step recovery, there have only been two other places where I have felt like I can be as open and honest about myself as I need to be. The first was in all psychology education programs I have been in; and the second was working in social work agencies. Obviously, right now I relate more to the folks in school and at work because being as open and honest as I have needed to be has not been safe or accepted by folks in 12-step groups.

Sometimes I do find myself wanting to go to a meeting. Yesterday, for example, I looked at the meeting directory, trying to find a meeting I could go to without running into people I know who might be questioning where I have been. I realized that I would have to drive to Sedona (25 miles) to possibly pull that off and then also realized that I did not want to go to a meeting that badly. You know those people who come into meetings a few times a year, sometimes only to pick up a chip? Those people who I used to condemn because I did not feel like they deserved a chip because they were not going to meetings or working a good program? Yeah, that’s the person I now want to be.

A woman I knew and somewhat idolized in LA used to say, “That which you judge most harshly, you are destined to do.” I find that this statement is generally true, but I do not believe I will ever become a child abuser or a domestic abuser. So, there are some exceptions, I believe. Over the years, however, I have found myself doing many things that I once harshly judged. This time, it has been pretty eye-opening. I am amazed at how “programmed” I actually was to believe the worst about people who do not attend meetings. I believed that anyone who was sober and not going to meetings was on a “dry drunk.” I realize how selective my memory was. I am only now remembering how happy and peaceful most of those once-a-year-chip-takers were. They were out there, living life successfully and not buying into the damning dogma.

You know what? The more I remember or see through the veil of what most AAers choose to see, the less defensive I feel. I know I have been very defensive and I am really starting to get sick of being in that space. After visiting with my mother, I realize that I have to get rid of this bitterness about being outcast by so many of the people I thought were my friends . . . about anything at all. I think I have some work to do in therapy. Now, finding a therapist that will help a po bitch out. Hmmm.

Being Here, Now

2008-08-24T09:21:00.000-07:00

I feel somewhat unsettled today. While I am super happy to be home, some of the new awareness I have is feeling heavy. The deep rooted belief system of most program people leaves me dumbfounded.

There were a few people that were sure that my going back to spend a week with my mother and her family, coupled with my lack of meeting attendance would surely bring me to the brink of insanity—that I would not be emotionally equipped to handle it. What actually happened was that I handled the situation with grace and dignity. I will give credit where credit is due. The ease with which I handled this situation surely came from the principles I learned in AA and Al-Anon. The thought of drinking was laughable. I mean, come on, did I want to add that insanity into the mix? Hell no I did not.

Certainly, I found that my mother’s behavior made me feel crazy at times. Additionally, I found that I wanted to fix her, I wanted to change the way she thinks. However, this also happened when I was going to meetings. Nothing new there. I did not feel frantic about any of this, which I believe comes with maturity. I felt like I was there, doing what I came to do and the rest was up to her. I was fully present with myself, knowing that the only thing I had control over was me. The most beautiful thing happened. I did have control over myself.

There is a deep sense of sadness for the way my mom chooses to live. She is noncompliant with her medical plan and she does not seem to enjoy anything in life anymore. Some program people would tell me that I need to detach from those feelings of sadness in order to have serenity. I think that is horse shit. Having those feelings is a sign of a healthy, well-adjusted person. It is normal to feel sad when someone you love is choosing to give up on life. I hope to never be that detached from my life. I know I sound like a broken record, but I really want to be present for all that life brings to me. This includes the things that are painful. I do not want to feel like I have to distract myself because I cannot cope with the pain. I can cope with the pain. As sad and painful as it is to watch my mother do this to herself, it is also incredibly rich to sit with her and with my feelings as we go through it. I am here, now. God, this life is good!

PJ talks about how people need to make up stories in order to feel safe. I saw a lot of this in the Bible belt of the good ol’ USA. However, the more I interact with program people, the more I see it there. The group think is so pervasive. No one seems to think for themselves. Just because the group says it, it must be true. Thus, the stories that have been fabricated for safety get passed on and on. It has been about 5 months since I have attended any meeting regularly. I am not full of fear. Situations are not baffling me. I do not feel crazy, in general.

The only real difference I feel is that I believe I am seeing things a lot more realistically. I think I am not making up as many stories about things that are happening around me. The magical thinking I used to have is disappearing. I am trying to just deal with reality and not fantasy. It happened with AA and it happened with the sweat lodge I was attending. I have stopped placing people on pedestals that I thought were somehow wiser than me. The truth is, if I get quiet enough, I can tap into a collective wisdom. That is what it feels like I am doing these days. I am stepping away from all the preaching of others and finding my own inner wisdom. It is difficult to trust that with all the naysayers around, but I am trying. I am also trying to surround myself with people who believe in me.

Family Dynamics

2008-08-17T10:21:00.000-07:00

My favorite person in Al-Anon said to me a few days ago, “You are a pretty sound person, Timi. It has been a long time for you since you left that madness you used to know. You are about to recall how you got so crazy.” She was referring to my trip and said that I might want to scope out some Al-Anon meetings while I am here. Ah-hem . . . .

I am in North Carolina, caring for my mother who had open heart surgery a little over a week ago. My journey here yesterday was as smooth as butter until I got to the car rental place. They would not rent me a car because I did not have enough money in my bank account to cover the rental. I took a $200 taxi ride to my mother’s house, but not before the cab driver drove 65 miles in the wrong direction. I got to my mom’s house at 1:00 a.m. I was exhausted.

My mom’s sister has been caring for her since she got out of the hospital and she takes offense to the way I respond to her. I do not refer to her as Aunt Jane. I just call her Jane. I do not treat her as an “elder,” if you will. When I arrived at my mom’s house, I did not throw my arms open and run to her. I have not seen this woman since 1977, more than 30 years. We have not exchanged phone calls, birthday or Christmas cards, nothing. She’s my mom’s sister, not my aunt.

My mother is pretty sad. She was a pretty powerful woman in her career. I think power is really important to her because I also believe that she suffered abuse as a child (she will not talk about it). It is hard for her to be out of control and I think I understand why. She feels totally powerless right now. Not an easy feeling for someone who uses power as a defense mechanism and for someone who has so many bones rattling in her closet that I wonder how she sleeps at night. My mom has never had therapy and since I have gone back to school she tells me at least once a year, “Well, you know I have no respect for the field of psychology.” Yes, yes, I know. I also know why. She is scared to death to face her reality. My mom rarely cries, but when she does, it’s that heaving, cathartic kind of crying.

My mother’s younger sister, Jane, has been treating my mother like a child. She watches my mother as she takes all of her daily 26 pills and gripes when she is not doing it fast enough, she will not let her nap during the day because then she does not sleep through the night, she harps on her to get up and walk around, she scolds her when she does not do everything her doctor suggested to perfection. All of her efforts are well-meaning, but she forgets that my mother feels powerless and Jane trying to wield more control over her makes it so much worse. To sum it up, Jane is seeking her own power in the situation by trying to control my mother. When Jane left last night, my mother just began to weep. She is caught between grieving her independence and feeling guilty because Jane has given up her life to care for her. She feels like she does not have a right to set boundaries with her, but she absolutely does.

Today, Jane was supposed to come over to go over some of the care I would need to do. She refused to do that and left for her home in Georgia. I am not biting. My mother’s family members are nuts. Jane has been treating my mother’s physical symptoms. While I am here, I hope to address some of her psychological symptoms in addition to the physical ones. I am going to let my mother self-determine her care. She knows what she’s supposed to do. I am going to let her make decisions for herself . . . . healthy or not. It is her life after all.

This is What He Said

2008-08-13T19:58:00.000-07:00

So this is what my old therapist said about my choice to not go to meetings. This is kind of along the lines of what I expected.

"As far as meetings go, I've gone through that stage many times. I usually return to meetings just because there is a sense of belonging for me. Also, the meetings are a reminder for me of where I came from. I think I believe in the psychology involved, and treat the meetings more as a group learning experience. There is also the need for some kind of social interaction. I agree with you that it really gets hard to hear the same crap often from the same crappers, but I rationalize that as a lesson again of where-from I evolved. I don't believe I will creep off and get drunk either. Contrary to the way you see yourself, I wish to point out that you have grown tremendously from when I first met you. I would hope you felt somewhat supported during a few of the crises I recall you went through. If you didn't, Oh, Well! Different strokes ... and all of that."

Not sure what he meant by "the way you see yourself". Eh, it was a much better response than it could have been.